Forgotten Gift

I'm back in Wisconsin and leave for Jacksonville again on Dec. 27th.  Since being home, I've had a great time with family.  Last year when I came back for Christmas, there was no snow until the morning that we had to drive back, which wasn't a fun experience.  Yesterday, we were blessed with a couple inches of snow.  I've missed the snow, how every branch on the trees has a little bit on it, the sound of shovels scraping against the cement, dogs barking in curiosity and excitement.  I have to admit, my default is to play before work.  Instead of shoveling the driveway, I immediately went to the closet to look for my winter jacket that I left here, searched the house for gloves, found them, then went to the backyard to start rolling.  A small sphere became an even bigger ball became an unliftable mass of cold.  It stopped snowing for a while, then a very light drizzle of rain came down, making the snow even better for packing.  An hour later, bam.  Snow Santa and a very happy 24 year old.

(Can't do this in Florida)

One of my highlights before leaving Jacksonville last week was getting the opportunity to see a couple of the after school program kids perform and help out at their school's winter performance.  Diallo and Alex go to Brentwood Elementary School of the Arts where art, music, dance, drama, etc. are all offered.  Only a few days before the Dec. 13th performance did I even know that Alex played the violin.  Diallo was there passing out the programs for the show, a job fitting his increasingly helpful personality at school.  My roommate Marc, our friend Ernest, and I went to see this show and had a great time.  We sat by Alex's family and when Alex by the side of the auditorium saw us there, he was excited to see us, proudly holding up his violin, smiling, and waving with his bow.  It was great to see the kids outside of our responsibility at the program and just enjoy being around them.  Those are the times I remember most, seeing the kids at the park on the weekends or in the classrooms when I come volunteer.

As I'm writing this blog, alone in the house for a few hours, I realize that my world goes really fast, my brain is always thinking about things to do, and I rarely make time to just sit quietly, think, thank God for all He's given me, meditate on how things have been going with me and Jesus.  With limited time at home, I know I want to make the most of it and see as many friends as possible and busy my schedule so that it doesn't feel like I'm wasting time, but that hasn't been good for my soul or my relationship with God.  I need prayer to just slow down, knowing that no time with friends and family will ever compare to time spent with the Lord.  No Christmas movie, no Packers or Bucks game, no perfect present on Christmas morning can capture my heart like He can.

It's been difficult for me lately to really be real with people, as you might've read in the last blog.  Some of the most powerful moments in my life have come when I've been real with people or people with me.  I could tell you story after story of times when I've felt His presence on me to pray for people, fellowship with others.  God is so good yet I ignore him so often.  God is so full of grace yet I take him for granted.  God is so loving yet I sometimes find it hard to love others. 

"It's been a long time since I've really looked in someone's eyes."  This lyric from the song "Spark" by Andrew Ripp has been resonating with me alot.  In fact, almost the entire song speaks much of what I'm feeling.  I'm glad that it's been stuck in my head all week.  It's from his Christmas album, which by the way is amazing.  I've been very impressed by Andrew Ripp's music after only hearing about him in the last couple weeks.  Please sit back, have some hot chocolate (if you're actually experiencing a winter) or some sweat tea or egg nog or whatever it is you drink around the holidays, and enjoy this very deep song.  Have a very blessed Christmas.  Spend time with the Lord, a gift you think you might be giving God when actually the gift of His presence will be given you.  Don't forget the gifts God so freely gives us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq0Ibz_-oLs

Too Weak to be Weak

I woke up Tuesday morning, walked to the kitchen, and started making a bowl of cereal.  Something wasn't right.  I wasn't sure what it was, but I felt that I better only pour a small bowl and eat very little.  After I ate, I got ready to go to North Shore Elementary.  I got there a little after 9am and normally stay until 1pm.  That day was different.  It was getting worse.  Every time I got up and walked or even moved it was a struggle.  "Ms. Hall (the volunteer coordinator) I'm gonna leave early.  I'm not feeling too good."  I got picked up at 11am, got taken to the church, and laid down on three pillows.  One for my head, one for my knees, and finally one for my aching stomach to rest on.  Sipping on a Sprite and listening to music, I just lay there, wondering when my body would give me the go-ahead to eat food again.  As long as I didn't move, pain was minimal.  I started thinking about that chili and egg nog I had the day before.  Those tortillas were kinda old.  I still wanted to help out at the after-school program and did my best to avoid close contact with them.  The thing that was most difficult for me was trying to play it off like it wasn't that bad.  I'm not big on wanting much attention so acting less active and less talkative, in my mind, would draw uncomfortable attention to myself.

When we went outside for game time, I felt lucky enough that a couple of the volunteers picked a thinking game that didn't require me to run around or throw kickballs at kids.  I got to just stand there.  One of the kids was going crazy and Marc needed to talk to a parent and keep the schedule running.  "Hey Andrew, can you sit over in the corner and make sure he doesn't leave his spot?"  "I'm on it."  I got to just sit there.  When I got home, there was Bible study and once again, I got to just sit there.  Great opportunities to not be in pain.  I tried to eat some Ramen later that night, not because I was hungry despite not eating most of the day, but because I was told it might help my stomach.

Long story short, my stomach hurt for three days, I got aches and pains in my body on Friday, and things could have been a lot worse that week.  I'm very thankful that God made the week very stress-free for me, the kids I worked with were on their best behavior and didn't cause me to raise my voice or move excessively.  Going through last week was really tough physically.  I barely ate anything those three days besides a sandwich, a banana, two Sprites, and a couple bowls of soup.  But it gave me a lot of time to think.  I am too concerned with what people think of me.  I put up the brave front.  I refuse to share or reveal my weaknesses.  Andrew has it all together.  He is so calm in the midst of chaos.  What could be wrong with him?  I realize the dumbest thing for me to do is to put on the false self in front of God.  He pierces through even my thoughts.  Can I deceive others as to what's really going on with me?  Yep, and sometimes better than I desire.  There's part of me that wishes I could stop playing this game where I act like I don't need people.  I know sometimes it's pride, but other times it's just fear of being real with people.  I have a much easier time being open and honest with God about everything, mainly because I know his grace is sufficient and his love never fails.  There is absolutely nothing I can do that is out of the reach of God's grace.  It's difficult to be open with people, sinners.  I'm sure you know what it feels like to be judged or talked about behind your back.  I'm not saying this happens to me but there is a legitimate fear that being real with people will push people away rather than build stronger relationships.

I urge you, brothers and sisters, to love another as God has loved us.  Show no condition, no selfishness.  Read 1 John 4:7-21.  Please read it.  Some of the most growing moments in my life have come when I've felt the freedom to tell people what's on my heart, what I have difficulty with.  For those of you that I see throughout the week, if you happen to be reading this, I apologize for being so quiet, for not talking to you as much as I really want to.  I know you have convictions and have been growing in a very specific way in your life through Christ and I act as if the only part of you that's real is how your job was, how your classes were, how you're feeling physically, etc.  My life looks a whole lot like the world right now.  I get excited when the Milwaukee Bucks win a game, I care about how much I get out of my job and how much my job gets out of me, I care a little too much about things that the devil uses to distract me from my walk with God.  God, have I even acknowledged your existence today?  Did I acknowledge you like "Oh, hey God, how's your day going?" or did I bow in reverence for how Holy and Awesome and Strong and Loving you are?  I'm tired of acting like Christmas shopping matters and that Buy 1 Get 1 deals are totally awesome!  Is that what I'm living for?  Lord, forgive me for this impostor that waves his magic wand and can disappear at the sight of transparency with others.  Lord, use my weaknesses for your strength.  Please touch someone's heart who is reading this.  I want to be real.  Awake my soul!  I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.  For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.  Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth. (Psalm 57)

Here's Mekhi (rhymes with "the pie").  2nd grade boy.  Smartest kid in the program even though there are 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders.  This is his first year in the program.  He has a 3rd grade sister and a 5th grade cousin in the program as well.  They all stay with their grandma and his mother was taken away from them (I'm not sure why).  He has been on medication because I don't think he quite knows how to handle his emotions with life.  The meds make him sad but docile.  When he's off the meds, he runs around, knocks over chairs, doesn't listen to instruction, and if he's really angry, he cause curse up a storm.  He's quite athletic for a little guy.  He's fearless in capture the flag, always running hard.  Kickball, he sprints towards the ball and kicks.  He's not afraid to get knocked down or hurt.  He just keeps playing hard.  What's great about working with him for academic time is that if you give him a big packet or pages of worksheets, he will absorb all the information and work until completion, stopping occasionally for a question about a particular word, then back to work.  He figures things out brilliantly by himself.  When he's happy, he's so funny.  He can be one of the most well-behaved kids on one day, or he can be literally jumping from table to table on another day.  On Wednesday, I got to work with him and I'm amazed that God put so much brains and ability in a kid whose life around him is messed up.  Please pray that Mekhi would know that he is loved by us and more importantly that Christ died for his sins and that he can come to know his creator in a very real way, free to display all his thoughts and emotions.  I'm glad that I just got to sit there that day and watch a kid who has so much potential for God's kingdom.

"Awake My Soul" -by Mumford and Sons
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzM69btqtYI



Mekhi

Thank You!

I often forget to show gratitude.  Honestly, I haven't really been that good at expressing my thankfulness at the times the blessings are given me.  Many times, we feel most thankful for things when there's been an experience of a shortage or absence of those things.  For example, when I lived in Milwaukee for a summer, we went through a two and a half day "poverty simulation" where we went without transportation, beds, showers, much food, or water.  Those two and a half days were some of the worst and best days of my life.  The worst because I haven't felt so helpless, weak, disgusting, and pitiful in my life.  The best because I realized how everything in my life had been given to me, I could sympathize with the homeless a little better who aren't going through a "simulation".  After going through that, I was thinking about air conditioning, a soft bed, showers, places to sit, water, changes of clothes, things I was deprived of for what seemed like an eternity at the time.

I wanted to take time in this blog post to not only thank God but also thank you for your support, love, and prayers.

-Thank you to those of you that have called me just to catch up and see how things are going.  God has used many of those conversations to encourage me at times I was feeling empty.

-Thank you to those of you that help me out financially in order that I work with 2nd Mile Ministries and help serve the Brentwood community with whatever time and energy I have.  I've been amazed by God's loving provision for my needs this year.

-Thank you to those of you that have faithfully prayed for me and the kids in our program, trusting that God hears and responds to your prayers.

-Thank you to those of you that read these blogs and give me encouragement through them.  I pray that God would be using these devotional times to bless you, challenge you, and point you towards Christ.

Looking back on Thanksgiving, shouldn't every moment, every situation be a perfect time to give thanks?  Everything you own was given to you.  Maybe you bought that sweater with your own money, but where did you get that money?  How did you get that job?  How did you get the people skills and experience to obtain that job?  All that you have was not yours to begin with.  Job says in chapter 1, verse 21,

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,

and naked I will depart.

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;

May the name of the LORD be praised."

It's gotta be difficult to take all your stuff with you after you die.

Wherever you are right now, take 5 minutes (sometimes even 1 minute or 60 seconds seems like a long time to sit still), and just start naming things, whether physical possessions or moments of grace that God has shown you, even just in the last few months.  Just know that God is mighty, merciful, and the lover of your soul.  All you need to do is allow yourself to do nothing.  Sit at his feet.  Life is not about you, it's about Jesus Christ.

-The best words that I can use are just simply, "Thank you," again for all the support, whether through encouragement, financially, or through prayers.

Collapsed

There was an artist that had the idea of painting a picture of the modern-day prodigal son.  (If you don't know the story of the prodigal son, you can go to Luke 15:11-32).  In order to capture the desperation and hopelessness of the prodigal son, the artist wanted to find a man who was down to his last dime of life.  He wanted a man who was dirty and grimy, clothes stained of tears and sweat.  He had to go all the way to downtown where many such men lived on street corners.  He came across one man, sitting on the ground, leaning up against the brick wall of a tall building, his knees pointing up through his ripped jeans, head buried in his hands, his puffy jacket making him look like a shivering ball, weeping.  The artist walked up to him, bent down and asked the man, "I'm an artist.  I was wondering if I could paint a picture of you.  Could I pay you to come down by my studio down the street tomorrow morning?"  The next day came, and with great anticipation of a beautiful time painting the prodigal son, the artist answered the knocks on his door.  It was the man but to the artist's surprise, there in the doorway stood a clean-shaven, shirt-and-tie-wearing man.  He wanted to appear nice in the picture.  The artist looked at him, disappointed and said, "I cannot use you."

This story was told at our church service last Wednesday.  The preacher went on to say how our church clothes (suits, fancy hats) can do an great job of hiding who we are, how we are actually struggling and imperfect people.  Something the pastor said made me imagine something.  If everybody came to church as they are, put their weaknesses, sinful patterns, struggles, and wore them on their sleeves, how different would the church be?  How much more would we comfort each other?  Encourage one another?  Show grace and mercy and love and forgiveness for each other?  How much higher would Jesus be exalted by the church as our Savior and Redeemer, the One who forgives our multitude of sins?

This morning, our church held its annual community outreach event which included providing people with a nice Thanksgiving meal, clothes and blankets if needed, and prayer.  I went to this event a year ago and met Wild Bill, who taught me what complete reliance on the Lord looked like.  He explained that if he got rid of everything he had, his sleeping mat, his clothes, his money, his cigarettes and walked down the street completely naked, he knew that God would provide for him.  That's trust!  As I arrived to the event, I wasn't exactly sure what I was supposed to help out with.  Throughout the day, I probably had at least 10-15 people ask me if I got a meal yet or if anyone has shared the gospel with me yet.  I know the church members were doing their job and making sure everyone was taken care of, but it was an interesting feeling to clarify, "No, I'm not here for a meal, I'm here to help."  It's safe to assume that if you are a white person at this event, you are one of the "least of these" and needed Jesus.  It was a very interesting and confusing day in that sense.  I was first instructed to ask any of the people who were eating if they needed anything, a carryout bag, another dessert, water, anything.  When it became apparent that very few of the eaters needed anything, I felt very useless.  I'm just a strange guy standing around looking confused.

I saw an older man, probably in his 80's, standing up, getting ready to leave.  We made eye contact and he motioned for me to help him with something, I wasn't sure what.  His words were slurred, his back was arched, he had a very used walker, a cane, and wore a baseball hat, winter jacket, and some 3D glasses you get at the movie theaters.  I could probably only understand every tenth word he said but I made out that he was blind (well, very poor eyesight), that he needed a blanket, and had a very long way to walk.  He has three bags with him.  One had a little blanket in it (he needed another for more warmth), the second had some clothes and personal items in it, and the third had two or three boxed meals that the church was passing out.  I carried the bags for him as we walked very slowly towards the clothing drive area.  Once David (the older gentleman) noticed the huge line and complex method of getting a ticket and waiting in line, he just wanted to get back to where he needed to go.  He looked very tired and defeated.  I asked if he would like a ride to wherever he was going.  He said yeah and his face started to change into a face that was about to cry.  I became clear to me that this man was running low on human contact and it seemed that a simple offer to me would mean something so much more to him.  I got the car, collapsed his walker and put that and his bags in the back seat as he got in front.  I was worried that I wouldn't be able to understand his directions and thus be sent on a wild goose chase.  Luckily he gave me a pretty comprehensible description before we left.  As I dropped him off, I walked him to his "spot".  A couple cardboard boxes collapsed and broken down were his bed.  This area was behind a building, under an outdoor staircase, next to a small grassy field where many other homeless live.  I sat with David, put my hand on his back and just asked to pray for him.  As I prayed, his head looked down, mouth was opened, drool kept coming out, tears flowed. As I thanked God for loving this man deeply, I couldn't help but be touched as well.  David, through tired and surrendered lips spoke "He is the only way."

Sometimes my possessions make me feel like I need them, deserve them, earned them.  Do I really trust God for my daily bread?  Thank Him for aaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllll He has given me?  Nope.  I honestly forget many times.  David made the long walk to our church to get a meal and a blanket.  His one glance towards me and his asking me for help were probably difficult for this fragile man to ask.  His walk was very slow.  Each step no more than 8 inches.  Sometimes I feel too proud to ask anyone for help.  I understand my weaknesses and my struggles, yet try to cover it up or act stronger than I actually am.  I want to encourage you, whoever may be reading this, to go to God with every struggle, every sin problem, every worry, every concern.  Don't hide behind your job title, your worldly possessions, your family, your nice clothes, your comfort zone for the sake of fooling your surroundings.  I left David with 1 John 1:9 and I leave with you also.  "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

To Jesus, come as you are.

"As the deer pants...

Psalm 42
...for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.  My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.  When can I go and meet with God?  My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'  These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.  Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.  My soul is downcast within me; there fore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon-from Mount Mizar.  Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.  By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me--a prayer to the God of my life.  I say to God my Rock, 'Why have you forgotten me?  Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?'  My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'  Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

Have you ever felt this way?  Have you ever had a pep talk with your own soul?  "Why are you downcast?" I've been trying to read a Psalm each day but when I got to this Psalm last week, it was difficult to proceed.  I have this desire to rely and trust God with all my heart and devotion.  There are so many things in my life right now that suffocate that desire.  If I give God the first hour of my day, looking to listen to his voice in his word, then what voices am I listening to during the other 15 awake hours?  When I think about what I think about, it is rarely with the desire to glorify God.  "Be joyful always," says 1 Thessalonians 5:16.  "Pray continually," continues verse 17.  "Give thanks in all circumstances," demands the verse after.  These verses, meant for direction and encouragement, can sometimes feel like impossible expectations in times where all I want to do is fight being joyful, keep from praying, and not think about all the blessings God has given me.

What is wonderful to know is that no matter how I feel, no matter what happens to me or my circumstances, God is in control.  It is in this unshakable truth that my faith is strengthened.  The day goes on.  His love keeps going.

This morning, I went to Shiloh (my church) to partake in a six-week Saturday morning series on authentic manhood, going deep in the Bible to discover what this generation of men is missing that Jesus has.  There were about 200 men that came to the early 7:30 a.m. study.  It was very refreshing and eye-opening.  This week's question to answer was, "Are you following the example of the first Adam (as in Eve's husband) or the example of the second Adam (Jesus Christ)?"  This morning explained how Jesus came to earth to fulfill everything that Adam failed at.  I could go into more detail about this morning and will perhaps another week.

I have a big prayer request.  I may or may not have mentioned this to you over the summer, but 2nd Mile Ministries is working on renovating a building right next to the church we partnered with for the summer day camps and after school program.  This building was only being used for storage of some of the church's lawn equipment and when asked if we could use the space for a possible community center in the future, they were very willing to let us take control.  Anyway, this Tuesday night, Nov. 13th, there is going to be a donor dinner held for doctors, lawyers, business men, etc. who could potentially add significant funds to the renovation process.  There has already been so much free volunteer work done on the building from high school kids to churches to members of the Jacksonville Jaguars.  There are before and after pictures at the bottom.  Please be praying for the speakers at the event to clearly communicate the vision of the ministry to our special guests and please pray that God would show us incredibly he provides for us.  This building is a much bigger space than the current bottom floor of the church where the program currently exists.  As the students we mentor now get older, it could be the perfect place for them to grow into middle-school students, and eventually into high school students.

A personal prayer request would be this...that I would grow to trust God more and more and know that his thoughts and plans for me are so much bigger and better than my own.  (Isaiah 55:8)

The name Andrew means either warrior or manly.  I pray that God would mold me into a man of him rather than the man of the world I often convey.

What the building looked like less than a year ago

Ceilings, partitions, fixtures out as of beginning of summer '12

Some Jaguars helped with demo

Current progress.  Still has leaky roof, broken windows, random light fixtures.

Instruments

On Friday, we went on our first field trip of the year to Memorial Park down by the river.  This park has been around since 1924, visited by many people over the years.  Lucky for us, it has a humongous field where we played kickball and capture the flag, both two:fiftytwo favorites.  It was unseasonably warm (I know, right?) but it was still a great time.  Afterwards, we drove back to the church where 10 medium pizzas and two gallons of Hawaiian Punch (brought by a student's mom) were waiting for us and any family and friends that wanted to join us.  It was an attempt to get to know families a little better and build better relationships with families we already knew.  There were 10 relatives and friends that came by to enjoy the pizza and drinks.

As we enter November, I'm excited to tell you that on Mondays at the after school program, we will be starting our unit about music.  This is something that I hope that will solidify in the programming in years to come as a regular time.  In case I haven't told you before, I graduated from the University of Wisconsin in the spring of 2010 with a degree in Viola-Performance.  Since school, I've gotten to play in the Dubuque Symphony as well as the LaCrosse Symphony (in Wisconsin).  A year after graduating, I continued to live in Madison to keep playing with the string quartet I was in.  String quartets are one of my favorite things to play because four instruments playing the same piece together, each with their own notes, their own roles, is so powerful when you are the one contributing to the music.  Sure, violists rarely get the attention; it's always those violinists who are heard the most.  But each instrument's voice is vital in the whole piece of music.  There are times to be a rhythmic support, there are times to be heard and times to let others be heard.  Performing with others was always enjoyable, I'd get goosebumps all the time listening to the sounds of the brass section shake the floor under my feet, the beautiful melodies in the violins and cellos.  While playing, I'd be like, "It's not about me and how I play, it's about playing my part with excellence by supporting, being heard, and letting others be heard."  There's no musical notation for selfishness and pride written into the music, just the expectation that each instrument will do their duty.

I don't plan on turning these kids from Brentwood into brilliant musicians who will one day seek out a career as a classically trained musician; however, I do hope that in the next few months that the volume of the  rhythms and melodies that God composed in them while they were in their mothers' womb would be turned on and turned up.  I'm excited to teach something dear to my heart.  Music is a powerful thing, once described as a way to experience God and communicate with him.  It changes lives and how people understand the world.  I've often compared a symphony orchestra with the body of Christ.  Some instruments get all the attention, some are hidden from the audience.  Some play high notes, some play low notes.  Does the tuba say, "Because I am not a violin and play such sweet high melodies, I am not part of the orchestra"?  Or the piccolo say, "Because I am not a french horn and play such powerful deep horn sounds, I am not part of the orchestra"?

When I'm around these kids every day after school, I see the ways they are similar, but the ways in which they are different are so clear, fearfully and wonderfully made.  As I think about the ways God could possibly use them in five, ten years in the specific ways that he made them, I just pray that these instruments get played to make a beautiful sound to our Lord.  Some of them are beaten up, their backgrounds not that impressive, not shiny, but they were made to make music.  Shouldn't they be able to perform and give back to their creator?  My life, your life all has a purpose.  I hope and pray for you that you would look at others and see that they have worth.  Every person that walks on the street, stands on the corner (especially in Brentwood), hides in the shadows, sleeps under the overpass was made and God loves them so so much.  Do we look at people like this as failures?  Dismiss them as hopeless and go on with our day?  How much would one kind word to these people change their day?

Please pray that as I teach music the next few months, that God would equip me with not just lessons about quarter notes and chords and dynamics but that He would help me every day to recognize that each of these kids sin but were made with purpose...to glorify and praise His name.

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which he has prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

We are his instruments.  How great a feeling it is to be played and utilized for His purposes!

Arrived at the park

Shadows

9:55am on Saturday, I pulled up to the parking lot of the Jacksonville Housing Authority in the huge 15-passenger white van decorated with spiders and their webs, black cats, smiling jack o' lanterns, and black bats.  I was alone in the parking lot, except for one stray cat that found the van to be quite intriguing.  Contrary to normal October weather in Florida, the morning was cool and breezy, perfect autumn day.  I looked at the empty lot imagining that it would soon be filled with cars, games, and hundreds of people.  Before the fun began at 1 o'clock, hot dogs needed grilling, big giant pickles needed packing, the big inflatable slide (yes, big inflatable slide) had to be transported, unrolled, and inflated, signs had to be hammered into the ground to direct cars and foot traffic, and then we'd be ready to go.

Earlier in the week, there was much anticipation at the after school program.  Every day I tried to ask some kids what ideas they had for a game they could make up for the van for this big event.  Some of their decoration ideas were pretty awesome, like painting the van black and then painting ghosts on it, but weren't very practical.  The anticipation was building and even I began to get excited for everyone that would be there.  I was very excited for Thursday to come because we were going to put the kids' plans into action.  However, there was a small glimpse on Thursday of something bigger and long-term that God has been doing in one of the kid's lives that I don't want to get overshadowed by blowing trees and falling leaves.

[Diallo, a 5th grader in our program was awarded the Student of the Month in his class and the school put on a nice catered lunch thing for the winners and their invited guests.  He asked me a couple times last week in passing if I could come.  I wanted to seem interested but I wasn't sure if I'd have time to go.  Anyway, I got some things planned ahead of time and got to go.  Mostly parents went to this thing but his mom wasn't able to go.  I felt honored to be invited and honestly always feel blown away by God's grace in how much these kids really shadow and attach to us at the program.  I arrive at the school, and again, Diallo exclaims, "Mr. Andrew!" and runs to me and gives me a hug.  Doesn't he know how flawed I am?  How weak I am?  How uncool I am?  As the principal read a paragraph from the students' teachers about those special October kids, it dawned on me why adults clapped at all those seemingly pointless awards ceremonies in school.  "Who cares if that random kid follows directions and only missed two days of school?" I used to think.  For Diallo, someone who a year ago could barely do addition or read simple words and often interrupted the class is now "improving his behavior, showing excellence in math, and making big jumps in reading."  It's cool to think about how a life can go from stagnant to full of life and growth in such a short time.]

Diallo and his principal at the Student of the Month ceremony (I sincerely clapped for all the kids)

So the students prepared on Thursday.  They wrote out plans for their game and decoration ideas, voted for their favorite, and then we brought their ideas to life.  Painted.  Taped autumn cutouts to the van (especially two well-placed bat cutouts on the hub caps).  They tested out the games, ran around outside, had a good last day of the week (no school Friday!).

Challah and Charity decorating

Ms. Dani, Tommieyah, Ferrell, and Chassidy painting

Fast forward to Saturday.  The once empty parking lot began to start trickling in some volunteer cars.  As 1 o'clock neared, even more cars arrived with games and candy.  Brother and sister Mekhi and Michaella were dropped off at the park and I was temporarily responsible for their whereabouts.  Normally talkative, hyper, and active, now were shy, quiet, and unfamiliar with this 2nd Mile festival.  We walked around to look at the petting zoo (consisting of a donkey, a small cow, a few goats, and a sheep), played a couple of the games and the siblings were surprised and excited to get rewarded with candy for throwing a ball through a hoop, or knocking over bottles with a basketball, etc.  As Charity and Chassidy (sisters also from the program showed up and said hi), the timidity and shyness slowly wore off and they were filled with energy to be guided by two that have been to the event before and could "show them the ropes."  It is interesting to me the idea of a shadow.  Always attached to the one with light showing on the other side, mimics everything.  Jesus' disciples were kind of like his shadows; Jesus is light and his followers were learning what it meant to be the light for others.  We as Christians, when striving to succeed in our own strength, fail to understand that we have someone who goes ahead of us who has a perfect will, perfect plan, and his work will be done, not ours.  I often fail to disown my ambitions and desires in my life for the sake of God's holy name.  1 Peter 1 has really encouraged me even in the past couple hours.

As I think back to this past weekend, the hugeness of this event, I can only give credit to God.  Relationships between neighbors and organizations and churches in the areas were started/strengthened/encouraged, the kids will only be that much more excited to come out next year and feel loved by their Creator, not just their community, not just 2nd Mile Ministries.

Thank you for your prayers.  Our God is mighty and awesome.  There will hopefully be a lot more pictures up on 2ndmile-jax.com soon.  God works in amazing ways.  Here is a testimony that blew me away today and reminded me of how merciful, loving, forgiving, and sovereign our Lord is.  This is part one of two.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvvClFSMIzA&feature=related

Michaella and Chassidy

Until next time, please continue to pray that big things would happen in Pearl World, in the neighborhood of Brentwood.  Honestly, my prayer life has been revealing how little I actually trust God with my every day.  If you find time, remember to pray for the ministry and those we relate to.  Sometimes I can feel the weight of Satan's lies and influences in the neighborhood as they seem to get closer and closer to my "safe bubble."

Our beautiful van

Family Fall Festival!

In less than one week, there could be over 700 people, 50 cars and trunk games, and lots and lots and lots of candy and hot dogs at our 4th Annual Family Fall Festival.  We are hoping to bless the Brentwood neighborhood with a fun, safe, and free day of food, games, and community togetherness.  One thing I love about this time of year is getting the word out.  Many of the 2nd Mile staff and volunteers spent some hours yesterday walking the many networks of streets, putting flyers in mailboxes, door handles, and fences that keep guard dogs in.  I was in Atlanta this weekend attending a wedding so I wasn't able to get back until this afternoon where a few of us who couldn't flyer yesterday, hit to the streets.  As we started off at North Pearl Baptist Church (on 30th St.), one in our group had mentioned, "Oh no, we forgot Challah!"  Challah is in our after school program.  This 3rd grader got permission to come help us flyer.  We walked to their place on 23rd St. and as our group of four got close, Challah's 5th grade brother Diallo came sprinting towards us...well, towards me.  Acting like I didn't see him coming at me, I quickly juked out of the way and he missed me.  Then he jumped on my back and said hello.  I rarely see any of the kids outside of the after school program.  The kids rarely see us outside of our "teacher/mentor" roles.  Both Diallo and Challah came with and we walked for about an hour, probably felt like a day to those of us with short kid legs and small kid patience.  Challah was so excited to hand a flyer to everybody she saw.  She even wanted to give one to the sewer.  Also, to a few dogs bigger than Challah that tried to attack me.  (Don't worry, chains and fences protected me).

What was really cool to hear about was the remembrances of last years festival by the kids who got a flyer this weekend.  Consistency, I've experienced, is one of the best ways to bless someone or some neighborhood and gain a sense of trust.  Some of the ways time and consistency have played themselves out in this ministry are as follows:

1. two:fiftytwo After School Program volunteers agree to commit to a particular day of the week.  This allows the kids to be comfortable with allowing adults to work with them.

2. At North Shore Elementary, our volunteer hours are consistent.  Tuesdays and Thursdays, they can expect me from 9am to 1pm to come in and do any extra work that may need to be finished.

3. Nine years ago, 2nd Mile Ministries began in Brentwood and its presence has, Lord willing, remained while other organizations/outreaches/good tries have failed to gain trust.

4. Three years ago, the Family Fall Festival began.  It has become an event that families can get excited about.

Face painting.  Apple bobbing.  Cake walk.  Kickball.  Costumes.  Candy.  Prizes.

Smiles.  Laughter.  Encouragement.  Relationships.  Serving.  Affirmation.  Joy.

The first list does not create the second.  Please pray that God would prepare the hearts of those working the event to be there to serve and love the community in a selfless way, a way that seeks nothing in return.  May God be glorified, not 2nd Mile Ministries or even the workers.

As we look to build the future leaders of the community at our after school program, it was encouraging today to see a togetherness of some of the students.  As our split-up flyering group joined together again, the other group picked up Ferrell (a 2nd grade boy in the program).  He's a big boy with all the funniest one-liners.  He lives on 27th St. so he must have seen the group walking and decided to join and help.  We stopped by Emery's house (former after school program student) and he was shy but smiled to see some familiar faces.  On our walk back to the car, getting ready to leave, we walked past Tommieyah (tuh-MEE-yuh), a 3rd grader in our program.  It must've been a beautiful day to be outside.  Thank you Lord that we got to see so many faces today when normally when we flyer, we don't get to talk to many people.

I'm pumped for next week.  Please pray!

Check out some pictures from last year's event

  http://www.2ndmile-jax.com/photos/family-fall-festival-2011/

Fatherlessness

To make the following blog post understandable, everything in italics will be credited to Amy Williams' power point presentation done at the CCDA conference this year in Minneapolis.  She is a "street pastor" who has 17 years experience with urban youth and gang prevention.  Everything not in italics will be my words.  This is a difficult truth to face, but I would encourage you to take a deep look at what it might be like to grow up without a father or father-figure.  You've probably at least heard it before that many kids living in poverty or inner cities often don't have their fathers around for whatever reason.  I tend to try and figure out where these fathers, or "baby-daddies" as they are called in Brentwood, go and for what reasons.  I rarely take the time to think about the babies and how they will experience life with one less parent.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." -Frederick Douglass

"Fatherhood must be at the core of the universe because the Creator of the universe is Himself a Father." - C.S. Lewis

-What is an absent father/How would you define absent?
-Why would a father not be involved?
FATHERLESS:
-Not having a father living, or lacking a father's protection;
-Not knowing the identity of one's father
-Fatherless is used to describe an individual who is devoid of a father or father figure in his/her life whether emotionally, or physically.
-Father absence refers to the varying degrees of physical or emotional absence of a father in the lives of the participants.

The Statistics
According to the 2009 U.S. Cenus Bureau, 24 million children in America - 1 out of 3 - live in biological father-absent homes.
The impact of fatherless homes.....
-71% of all high school dropouts
-85% of all youths in prison
-63% of youth suicides
-90% of all homeless and runaway children
-85% of all children who show behavior disorders
-Daughters of single parents without a father involved are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.

72.3% of Black, 65.8% of Amer. Indian/Alaskan, 35.7% of White, and 16.9% of Asian deal with fatherlessness.

Fatherlessness is nothing new: it's in the Bible!
The word 'fatherless' appears 43 times in the Bible, but only once in the New Testament.

God and the Fatherless
What does 43 references to the fatherless suggest to us about the level of God's concern for them?
God protects and defends the fatherless!
Exodus 22:22, Malachi 3:5, Zechariah 7:10, Jeremiah 22:3  (Please look these up and read if you have time, or type them into google).
We are called to defend and help the fatherless!
"Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy." -Psalm 82:3
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute." -Proverbs 31:8

How Fatherless View God
"...a generation of orphans who don't understand the love of a Heavenly Father because they have never had the love of an earthly father."
We all directly relate our Heavenly Father to our image of our earthly father...until our mind is renewed!

Before we get real deep...
YOU are not their Father!
YOU are not called to be their Father!
YOU are not even called to be a "substitute" father!
THEY HAVE A FATHER.

Fatherless Children
What Fatherless Children Desire and Need
-Maslow determined the basic human needs are:
     1. Love
     2. Acceptance & Approval
     3. Security
These needs are met by establishing and maintaining relationships within a family.
-There are also 3 more basic needs
The 3 A's:
-Affirmation
-Affection
-Attention

A Deep Desire to Discover their identity
-What is (or was) dad like?
-Am I worthy?  Why doesn't he want me?  What's wrong with me?
-Who am I?  Where did I come from?
-Do I look like him?
-Do I act like him?

Many youth tend to be confused about gender and roles within their own families because they have no role models to follow (mothers were both mother and father, nurturer and disciplinarian)

What are ways that youth tend to discover/seek out their identity?
A few examples:
-Joining gangs
-Through sexuality
-Overachievers
-Through violence/power (bully/mean girls)
-People pleasing
-Multiple Personalities/Experimentation
-Invisibility
-Control freaks (cutting, food, co-dependency)
-Look to media (reality TV)
-How other view them (positive/negative)
-Pregnancy
I can see how some of these examples might be playing themselves out in some of our fatherless after school program kids.

Major Reason for Joining gangs:
Gaining Self-Worth:
Gangs give "a place in society" to youths who do not get a sense of belonging from their parents of community.  By doing violent work, young gang members earn praise and attentino from the older members.

We need to teach youth who they are in Christ and how God sees them.
Psalm 139 is a perfect scripture to teach them that God is the one who determined their existence on Earth.  He used their parents as a "tool" to get them her.  THEY HAVE A PURPOSE!  THEY ARE NOT A MISTAKE!

If I ever do think of the kids without a father, I almost always have boys in mind and how not having a father in their lives will lead them along many similar paths of their actual fathers.  I don't want to forget about the girls though.  The following information is something I needed to learn and hear.

THE FATHERLESS DAUGHTER
-Dad is the daughter's first love!  He is the most important man in her life!
-A dad's interactions with his daughter sets her up for how she's going to relate to all other men and to God. (Father's define masculinity for their daughters.  A father's words, behaviors, and attitudes model manhood.)
-The two primary needs of a young girl are: Love and Security
-When a father makes it clear to his daughter that he loves her unconditionally, just for who she is, he lays the foundation for her healthy self perception.
-When he shows approval for how she looks and what she does, he validates her existence.
-When he makes her feel that she can depend on those who love her to meet her needs, she feels secure.

FIVE THINGS DAUGHTERS NEED FROM DADS:
1. Guidance:
   Men can bring an analytical approach to help clarify the picture and guide them along.
2. Encouragement:
  Affirming her verbally, showing she is worth the dad's investment time and energy.  Demonstrate confidence in her abilities.
3. Comfort:
  God wants dads to reach out in love, gentleness and touch the hearts of their daughters, showing more physical affection on an everyday basis.
4. Vision:
  A daughters' ability to achieve their potential depends in part on the dad's resolve to appreciate them and cast a positive vision for their future.
5. Protection:
  Men typically think of protection as defending their daughters' physical safety, however, there are also emotional, moral and spiritual dangers out there that need protecting.

Impact for the Fatherless Daughter
Fear of abandonment is the hallmark of the fatherless daughter.
-Directly linked are other emotional problems, including issues with: intimacy, sex, trust, commitment, shame, and most of all, anger.
-Makes it difficult for her to build healthy relationships with opposite sex
-Low self esteem and low self-worth
-Tend to seek worth and attention through dating/sex or perfectionism.

How she may view God
-The view of masculinity that a father projects influences how a daughter views God.  In a Father's relationship with his daughter, (to her) he mirrors the attributes of God the Father.
-A father gives his daughter her first glimpse of her image and understanding of the heavenly Father.
-A daughter, who does not feel safe with her earthly father, may find it difficult to open her heart to her heavenly Father.
-She may view God as unreliable, undependable, conditional with His love and not worth trusting, having no authority.

THE FATHERLESS SON
10 Side Effects of Growing Up Fatherless
1. A crisis of Identity.  Boys look to fathers in their search for self.
2. Silent anger.  Anger in its many shades is one of the deep-rooted side effects and it is often directed at the wrong people.
3. A need to belong.  Studies show that boys without fathers are more likely to join gangs.
4. Underestimating one's own value.  Boys without fathers are more likely to grow up poor.  Fatherless boys often feel as if they are not worthy and have no real value.
5. Misunderstanding character.  Without a father to model character, boys choose character traits from the world around (celebrities, pro athletes, popular musicians, or neighborhood contacts).
6. Lack of respect.  A father who does not show up for his boy epitomizes disrespect.  From fathers, boys need to learn respectful behaviors, including listening, trust, tolerance, politeness, and understanding limits.
7. The void.  Boys without fathers feel incomplete.
8. A lopsided view of sex.  Beyond having a vague understanding of the difference between sex and love, boys without fathers have many unanswered questions about sex.
9. Not enough love.  Boys without fathers often view love as vulnerability, and they have a difficult time trusting someone with their heart.
10.  Authority issues.  It's natural for a young person to transfer the hatred that he has toward the role of a "father" onto anyone who begins to fill that role in his life.

Rites of Passage
Three reasons why a rites of passage is important:
1. It creates an inward realization that a boy/girl has crossed over
2. It validates him/her in the community of men/women
3. It connects manhood/womanhood and spirituality

"Know that the youth needs a strong male influence.  They need someone to show them how to live a life for Christ.  For me, it was great when my (male) youth leaders would take me out and just chat; go out fishing, anything that a father would usually do with their child.  Sometimes it was just to offer advice and be able to answer questions.  I have a leader of mine from youth group who I think of as a legit father of mine.  He took me in under his wing.  He showed me how to be a good husband, serve others, love and more.  The fatherless fell like they aren't worth their father's time-which causes grief.  They just want to feel like they are worth someone's time, and that someone cares for them." -Zachary S.

For MEN Mentoring Fatherless BOYS
"To become a man, a boy must see a man.  But that man doesn't have to be his father.  In fact, ideally, it shouldn't be only his father.  Even if your son has a strong father or father figure in his life, he also needs a community of men who together can provide him with the varies models of what productive adult men do." -Dr. Leonard Sax, author of Boys Adrift

"We need fathers to step up, to realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one."

There is a ton of information and years of experience and observation of fatherlessness here.  I never would've thought that sometimes our perception of God can be related to the characteristics of your father until your perception is changed.  Currently, there are 11 students in two:fiftytwo (our after school program, Luke 2:52) and as far as I know, 3 of them have the consistence presence of their father.  Typical in the Brentwood neighborhood, I believe the statistic is around 80% of kids are fatherless.  It is not my desire to be any of these kids' fathers; however, I do pray that God would put it in my heart more and more to point them towards their heavenly Father.  God created them for a purpose.  A few of the boys have doubted their existence, anything special that they could contribute to society.

Alex and Diallo, fatherless boys, being pointed towards their heavenly Father

Alex "jumping the creek"

Diallo kicked our butts.

Disagree to Agree

How many times in the past few months have you been asked, Are you registered to vote? or Are you going to vote? or Who are you going to vote for??  It has come to my attention that this is a very important presidential election coming up, like all the other ones.  I've got to be completely honest.  I have very little interest in politics and I'm not going to vote for a presidential candidate this year.  I have heard convincing arguments for both candidates, others not so convincing, but I believe that the differing beliefs and values that people have are completely believed by those people.  Let's say candidate "A" believes 3+3=6 and candidate "B" believes 3+3=7.  Yes, one is right and one is wrong, but they both completely have faith in their answers.  In my mind, I've had a hard time being convinced that either of these candidates know the right answers.  There have been questions of adhering to the constitution, health care I hear is a big issue, the federal government's role, abortion is always an issue that weighs heavily into many American's choices.  "Of course, I know the correct answer to 3+3 is 6," some eager voters may say, but the question might be What is the capital of Uruguay? in which case the answer is not 6.

One of the biggest reasons I have had a difficult time getting involved with the political world is because I so often see a lack of communication between parties which results in a lot of bad-mouthing when people are isolated from the other side.  Have you ever talked about someone behind their back and then they awkwardly walk into the room and hear what you say?  I don't think that shows much integrity and I know I've done it.  There's an element of Which candidate will best suit my needs? or Which candidate will bring my family success? or even Which candidate will help my country improve?  The decisions we make as individuals, families, and as a government are often times selfish.  We rarely think about other people's needs first, other families' needs first, or other countries' needs first.  And how could we?  We know our situations better.  We are often isolated from different people.  Do you have any friends or family members that will probably vote for the opposite political party as you?  If you have ever had conversations about politics with this person, I bet at some point you believed completely in your heart that the other person just didn't have a clue at what was right.

A little less than two weeks ago, I came home to an envelope wedged in our door that had written Your Neighbor on the front.  Confused and anxious, I opened the letter, wondering if one of my neighbors wrote us a letter (seeing how I don't know many neighbors, this didn't exactly excite me).  Inside the envelope was a pamphlet and two free tickets to the Gracias Choir's holiday concert called "Christmas Cantatas."  Yes, Christmas music on October 1st.  There was also a letter written describing the birth of Jesus and the truth of the gospel.  I looked in the pamphlet and noticed that all the performers were Korean.  It looked really cool....and free.  They tour all over the world.  It was being performed at the Florida Theatre so I had a feeling it would be decent.  So, my girlfriend and I went, got all dressed up, and went not knowing what to expect.  Four Acts.  First, choir concert style, all musicians on stage, beautiful green dresses for the instrumental women, red dresses for the women singers, and white suits for all the men.  Second Act, the birth of Jesus in a dramatic performance with costumes and elaborate sets.  Click here to watch part of this act http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrrGHBrFyxI&feature=related.  Probably my favorite part about the concert besides the music was the obvious ministry going on.  At the end of the Second Act, the actors and singers took a bow, you know, one or two at a time depending on who had key roles.  And then the most powerful part of the night happened, everyone on stage faced the back middle of the stage where the little baby Jesus doll had been placed in the manger.  They all knelt and bowed towards Jesus and while they were still bowing, the curtain came down.  I had gone to a concert to hear some talented musicians sing some Christmas songs, and the performers gave a concert to point our direction towards Christ.  It almost seemed like going to church.  God is definitely working through that group.

Anyway, I didn't mean to write that much about the concert but what I did want to share was that my girlfriend and I were having a rough night of communicating.  Many of our arguments are silent ones.  We both like to think and process things before we say anything to the other person, but sometimes the silence creates even more tension and opportunities for making assumptions and worrying, etc.  It really was not fun to go through, but we're getting better at talking about things so that's good.  Anyway, I in no way feel that I have the world, God, myself, and others figured out.  I think a lot.  I love finding meaning in the meaningless, beauty in the ugly, focusing on what's neglected.  I pray that my blogs will not come across as offensive.  I only seek that God would open up your eyes to how others see life.  In times when I think I'm right in an argument with my girlfriend, I often turn off the listening ears and inflate my brain with pride.  Yesterday, we went through the family questions that I included at the end of my blog post called Is a pump fake a sin?.  I gotta tell ya, creating the environment where no person has the right answer in a conversation is awesome.  We talked about our upbringings and it helped reveal why we value certain things and why we react to certain things.  No one person above the other.  An equal desire to understand the other so that there can be forgiveness and reconciliation.  I often hate taking responsibility for my own sins, but it's the only way to see.

I can tell you three things about the presidential candidates.  One, neither, I believe, are seeking the will of God when deciding on what and how to implement different plans of action.  Two, both, I believe, are prideful and unwilling to seek to understand the other side and reconcile anything between parties (not sure if this will ever happen).  Three, both are sinners, not one better than the other, and I believe both need the saving grace of Jesus Christ.  Both need our prayers.  I'm telling myself that too y'all.  I rarely, if ever, pray for those in important positions in government.  I know my heart needs to forgive many people for the negative ways I've seen them use politics as an self-air pump.  I apologize if this blog offends or shocks or saddens you.

I challenge you to show a love that seeks to consider others better than yourself, maybe by listening and understanding where someone is coming from.  "Well, I grew up in a secluded village where they taught that 3+3=7.  That's just the way I was raised.  I didn't know any differently."  Well, they still may be wrong, but at least three things were created--understanding, communication, and some form of relationship.

Are you ever wrong?  Do you ever admit when you are?  It's hard.

Please pray that I seek to obey God's will above my own selfish desires.  Please pray for the presidential race, not for a particular candidate to win, but rather that the campaigning and conversations you may have with others will demonstrate an unconditional love that glorifies the Lord.  This can only be done by the grace of God, not by any human strivings.

For you name's sake, O LORD, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.  (Psalm 25:11)

To Be a Leaf

Last week was one of difficulty, but not because of outward circumstances.  For three of the five school days, our after school program director was out of the state at a conference.  What this meant for us was extra and unfamliar responsibility.  Planning, scheduling, putting specific kids with adults, main discipline, more parent conversations were all in store.  Normally when I can see any future changes coming involving me that would otherwise be excruciatingly uncomfortable, I tend to put them out of my mind and believe in my head that everything will be all right.  Coming off of a bad week previous, I was not anticipating a cake walk.  It would not be a piece of cake.  Why cake is used in analogies meaning "simple" I do not know.  I knew that any amount of planning on my part could not and would not take care of all the uncontrollable elements of every day.  Certain kids have good and bad days at the program and it's sometimes impossible to know what kind you're going to get.

This past week, I knew I would need to rely on God and trust Him that these three days undermanned would not ruin the lives of these eleven kids.  Wednesday started with me driving our huge 15 passenger white van alone to pick up the kids from Brentwood Elementary (turned out to be four kids that day).  They got in quietly, talked quietly and not rudely and the ride was amazing.  Normally, kids are yelling excitedly, jumping over the seats, not buckling up.  I thanked God.  Went to pick up more kids from North Shore Elementary, the rowdier bunch (six kids), and had an okay ride back to the church.  To not go into extreme details of the day, I will say that I had a positive outlook on how the kids were handling the different feel of having one less adult there.  Many of the kids really stepped it up, but there were a couple that had a lot of struggles.  Chassidy, who was in the program last year, did not want to play a particular game during academic time and, as she told her father at the end of the day, threw a small white board to the ground.  This led to more indignance (which I think is the correct word for what is perceived unfairness).  I will share a little more about her a little later.

I went to church Wednesday night and heard an amazing word preached.  This is starting to become a theme.  Dr. Ralph D. West preached on John 3:1-8.  The story of Nichodemus and Jesus.  It was a powerful message with a ton of information, but what really came through to me was verse 8.  The verse says, "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it goes.  So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit."  Ruwach.  (ROO - ock).  A Hebrew word meaning wind, breath, spirit.  The Dr. said the word like the sound of the wind.  The Holy Spirit will do as He pleases.  He might be a gentle breeze or a full-on storm.  The question asked the congregation--Are you holding onto a pole trying not to be moved by the wind?  This question hit me square in the heart.  Am I?  I've got to be honest, it is often times difficult for me to look deep into the mirror and see my own faults, and I have been trying to avoid answering this question all week.  But I can't escape it.  When I'm convicted to obey God with my whole day, every moment, do I follow through?  The Dr. rode this wind analogy a bit and started to compare a devout and humble Christ-follower to a floating leaf that moves every direction the air's breath directs.  Much like riding a wave, you can't create it yourself.

There are many poles in my life that I'm unwilling to trust God to let go of.  I tend to hold on tighter when the wind picks up or blows a different direction than the way I want it to.  This past week, praise the Lord, had many good things happen that we could not take credit for or even begin to understand how they happened.  Not being very good at discipline, I feared having to deal with Chassidy the day she went berzerk.  Anything the adults would say to her, she'd have a quick biting comeback and would listen to nobody.  Her dad came to pick her and her sister Charity up.  Being on "Parent Contact", the lowest spot on our discipline chart, we have the kids tell their parents why and how they ended up down there.  Chassidy, her fiery attitude turned cold, looked at her dad and confessed her tantrum and what she did that day.  In a soft voice she uttered, "I threw the board because I didn't want to play that game anymore."  She looked as if tears were on the way.  The father told her he would have a "talk" with her when they got home.  I gotta tell ya, this dad loves her girls very much.  He is a very sincere and hard-working man when he gets work do to.  Thursday and Friday, Chassidy was doing everything she could to follow all our directions to the point, even when others would try to provoke her.

My heavenly Father crowns us with compassion, does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquity.  Confessing to God I believe is the result of realizing the depth of our disobedience.  Although I have no idea what was going on in Chassidy's mind at the time she told her dad, but it paints a good picture of the importance of specifically naming the things that we do or say that displease God.  Not "sorry Lord for all the sins I may have committed" but rather, "Lord, when I snapped in the van on Thursday out of anger, I wasn't trusting in your power and I'm sorry." (This might have actually happened to me.)

When you hear the voice of God, perhaps when reading His word or through prayer, I encourage you to take on the personality of a leaf that has fallen from a tree.  (No, the leaves on the Florida trees in Autumn are not as beautiful as up north unfortunately).  These poles that we hold onto might be sins we need to confess, fears we need to let God remove, idols that reveal we love something or someone more than our Savior.  From your poles, by the power of the Holy Spirit, you need to make like a tree...and leaf.

                                                    (Chassidy after a root beer float)

Right Angle

"There are those of us here that are going through a time of bereavement, and still there are others that may feel as though they are walking in the valley of the shadow of death.  But Lord, help us to know that you are here with us...Amen."  As I arrived late to church Wednesday evening, these are the words I heard the pastor speak on the TV screen in the hallways of the church.  It amazed me the timing of his words, the need in my own soul that day to know that God was with me that day.  That day of all days.  In all my days spent in Jacksonville, including way back in the summer of 2010, I don't think I'd ever experienced a more difficult day of ministry.  By no means was it as extreme as walking in the valley of the shadow of death, but if I had ever been in a valley, Wednesday was it.

Every other Wednesday in Duval County, the schools experience early release.  When Brentwood Elementary and North Shore Elementary both get out about two hours earlier than normal days, that's two extra hours of planning, monitoring, and focus.  The feeling of early release is usually kind of antsy.  I have mentioned in previous blogs my own wrong desires to want perfect, quiet, and obedient kids all day every day to feed my own selfishness.  Well, on this day, we went outside to play some kickball and some kids wanted to sit out due to the extreme heat.  Fine.  Understandable.  We get inside to do a painting craft to help us remember the memory verse.  The kids are generally interested in the painting.  Some of the paint gets on the tables.  That's okay.  Easy clean up.  Next is carpet time where the kids are all supposed to sit on the carpet and receive announcements about the day.  For some reason, a few kids had a really difficult time sitting still and focusing on the speaker.  As carpet time was going on, I was talking to a 3rd grader who decided she'd rather stand in the hallway instead of following directions.  She gave no response and stared blank into space.  This type of (no) response has really been difficult for me to deal with.  When they can clearly hear your question but make no movement or sound to indicate they are listening.  It's very easy for me to get angry and ask the question louder and demand more strongly for "respect".  This girl decided to sit at her seat away from the group and continue to deny my presence there.  I sat in a chair next to her.  Everything I told her I'm sure went through one ear and out the other.  As I'm talking to her, her 2nd grade brother is in the carpet time area knocking over chairs and running away.  His sister laughed really hard, only encouraging him to continue his craziness to get some laughs.  Great.  Now what do I do?  Him being very small, it was easy for me to get a hold of his arm to slow him down.  Once again, no word that I said was getting through to him.  To make matters even worse, both of these kids' 5th grade cousin came over to "discipline" them herself.  When a kid tells another kid what to do, even if they are related, it usually doesn't turn out well.  This led to the two girls forcefully shoving each other which caused one of our female staff members to bring down the "teacher" hammer on the 5th grader who then starting sharguing (shout arguing) with the staff member.  While all this is happening, another staff member is trying to keep the kids that are on the carpet focused on him amidst the chaos.  After carpet time came snack time.  Now it just so happens that the brother and sister had the jobs of water bottle distributor and snack distributor.  While the sister had cooled off and made some better choices, the brother was still not listening to any instructions, even intentionally doing the exact opposite.  When I told him he was not allowed to do his job, he flipped and got angry.

When kids at the program make wrong decisions, as staff members, we tell them what they did wrong and give them expectations and alternate ways to deal with similar circumstances.  If they turn things around, their punishment (which at this point is moving their clothes pin down a color) gets erased.  In either case, a conversation happens with the kids when they are on a down-spiral.  What we've never really anticipated happening is multiple children having really bad days.  This means adults are having conversations when the other kids are kind of being hung out to dry.  Luckily, the other kids had a handle on when academic time was and did their work on their own pretty well.  Despite this positive, my blood boiled, anger was being affirmed, and continued frustration set the tone for much of my night.  When the parents/grandparents were talked to about the kids, and all the other kids had gone, Marc asked me if I wanted to throw the football around, understanding the hurricane that just blew through two:fiftytwo.  I thought throwing something with all my energy would do me some good and it worked for a while.  I made that football cut through the wind and into Marc's hands as if an arrow was knocking down a horrible beast.  That day brought thoughts of "Nothing good will ever happen again," and "I want to go home and never do this again."

Throughout the day, I was angry at the kids, angry at myself, and angry at the devil and sin.  However, I couldn't get mad at God.  I almost didn't go to church, showed up 15 minutes late so that I could eat a few forkfuls of noodles since I had missed lunch because I had to plan the painting activity.  I drove to church alone, wanted to sit with my friends as if nothing was wrong and then leave and go home.  I had made up my mind that I would be angry for the rest of the night....until I stepped inside the doors of Shiloh Baptist.  I was greeted with a nod by one guy still waiting by the door for any possible stragglers.  Then, "There are those of us here that are going through a time of bereavement, and still there are others that may feel as though they are walking in the valley of the shadow of death.  But Lord, help us to know that you are here with us...Amen."  Amen indeed.  God told through that pastor's prayer that He was with me at the that church, with me at the after school program.  It was still difficult to focus on the message, but my anger turned to sorrow.  I had been doing ministry under my own strength, for my own reasons.  "If I could just get these kids to behave, then I would feel good about myself being a good role model."

I started reading a book called Give Them Grace by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson.  It's introduction sets the tone for the rest of the book.

"What would things look like if Satan really took control of a city?  Over half a century ago, Presbyterian minister Donald Grey Barnhouse offered his own scenario in his weekly sermon that was also broadcast nationwide on CBS radio.  Barnhouse speculated that if Satan took over Philadelphia (the city where Barnhouse pastored), all of the bars would be closed, pornography banished, and pristine streets would be filled with tidy pedestrians who smiled at each other.  There would be no swearing.  The children would say, 'Yes, sir' and 'No ma'am,' and the churches would be full every Sunday...where Christ is not preached."

The book talks about how raising kids to be polite and obey all the rules is not the gospel.  The idea of the gospel is that there is God's law, which nobody can keep, therefore is in need of a savior and of grace.  Grace has no buts.  Here's more of the intro to the book.

"With the right mixture of fear and guilt, I can get my three children to obey in the short term.  But my desire is not that they obey for five minutes or even for five days.  My desire is that they obey for fifty years!  And that will take something bigger and brighter than fear and guilt.  The primary reason our children fail in their doing is that they fail to grasp at a deep heart level what Jesus has already done.  They often give up in their efforts to obey because we have unconsciously trained them to obsess more over their feats for Jesus than over Jesus' feats for them."

Wow.  What is my goal in ministry?  To have the after school program digest some bad kids and hope that good kids come out?  Romans 8:28 says that God works all things for the good of those who love him.  Really?  God is going to use that terrible Wednesday for his good?  When I got home from church, I shared a couple bottles of Miller Lite with Marc and discussed the day.  I don't usually drink, but in the movies people always end up having a beer after a hard time so, why not?  We both agreed that it would be better for us to go through another Wednesday like the one we had than to have a perfect day where the kids behave and we think that we are pretty amazing.  One shows a need to glorify God, the other glorifies the self.  Brentwood is God's town.  He will make it grow, not I.



This song was definitely at the heart of what I experienced Wednesday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQnBvUiAGsI

Is a pump fake a sin?

I often wonder about the definition of deception.  It implies lying, putting on a face, making others think something else, creating diversions.  There's a lot of messiness that comes out of deception.  There's the saying that covering up a lie just creates more and more lies, like a spider's web.  Mark Twain said, "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."  If I'm being completely honest, which is something I need to work on, I need to tell you that sometimes I get some satisfaction out of being a trickster.  Please allow me to explain.

Basketball is my favorite sport.  I've played since I was in 2nd grade, been on organized teams, went to a few basketball camps, watched it on TV a ton, and I still play at the courts nearby where I stay.  I'm 6 ft tall on a good day, weigh 150 lbs on a good day, have a decent shot, can't jump or play good defense.  I grew up waiting for my growth spurt.  Always one of the shortest on the court, I got pretty good at dribbling and really comfortable at the point guard position.  Court vision and passing became key elements to my game since I'd probably never get a rebound or be anywhere near the basket.  In middle school, I use to telegraph my passes (look at who I was passing to) and thus get the ball stolen sometimes.  Getting into high school, into college, and now on the streets, my favorite play has become the no look pass.  Pretty soon, throwing off an opponent became my favorite thing to do.  When you are able to pass to someone that no one else is paying attention to, you get the feeling that you can see the invisible.  Even when you pass the ball, defenders don't know where it's going.  I've often wondered, is it wrong to try my hardest to deceive people with this?  I don't have a clear answer either way.

There are games that involve lying.  Games like Boulderdash and Malarky imply deceitfulness just in their board game titles.  Mafia is a game in which there is a designated "killer" who tries to win the game by convincing everyone that he is just an innocent "townsperson" like everyone else.  People get voted out of the game based on who people believe the mafia is.  This is a game where my competitiveness and deception can come out in very negative ways for me.  Cheating at games in order to have an advantage in them is not something I do and I get quite annoyed when others try to do it.  However, I must admit, that I have cheated in games just to see if I could get away with it.  It's like an entirely different game for me.  When the Packers scored a touchdown off of a fake field goal attempt, that rare trickery got me excited.  When Ms. Deirdree (on staff with 2nd Mile) got me out of jail (in a game of capture the flag) when the whole game she just stood still guarding our flag, that unexpected move was so awesome and memorable for me.  When a magician completely fools me, that form of deception entertains.

I guess in my recent thoughts about deception, I've been kind of curious--are these seemingly harmless forms of deception healthy?  My answer is, I have no idea.  I do know that lying and deception are sins, but is it only to the degree that it hurts someone else?  The past few weeks, I've been reading through Genesis about Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  This past week I've been learning about how traits and values (both good and bad) are passed down through families.  Family life and how you are raised probably play the biggest part in the way you think and live.  Chapter 12 shows how Abraham (then Abram) lied and said that Sarah (then Sarai) was his sister and not his wife in order to protect his life.  The next generation, Isaac (in Chapter 26) does the same thing and says that Rebekah is his sister so that he isn't killed for having a beautiful wife.  This lying trait was passed down.  The next generation with Jacob gets even more messy.  Jacob disguises himself as his brother Esau and Isaac (with fading eyesight) gives Jacob the blessing instead (Chapter 27).

Anyway, I don't think I have a wrap-up/conclusion to this blog.  I know that I like no look passes, seeing what is unseen, and occasionally mind games.  I leave you with this list of questions, straight from a book I've been reading called The Emotionally Healthy Church.  These questions were written with the intention of helping Christ-followers understand the way they operate and how leaving negative ways of thinking unchecked, left under the surface, can lead to some devastating things generations from now.  I think these questions would be good for anyone to go through.  Sometimes looking back on past events from the family we grow up in can be difficult and painful and weird, but these questions are just to bring to the surface some of the ways we might negatively impact the present with our past.

"1. Describe each family member with three adjectives and their relationship.

2. Describe your parents' relationship.

3. How was conflict handled in your family? Anger?  Tension?

4. How were gender roles and authority worked out in your family?

5. How well did you family do in talking about feelings?

6. How would your family describe you? How do you think you family things about you?

7. How was sexuality talked or not talked about? What were the implied messages?

8. Were there any family "secrets" (such as pregnancy out of wedlock, incest, or major financial scandal)?

9. What was considered "success" in your family?

10. How was money handled? Spirituality? Holidays? Relationship with extended family?

11. How did your family's ethnicity shape you?

12. Were there any heroes or heroines in the family? Scapegoats? "Losers"? Why?

13. What kinds of addictions, if any, existed in the family?

14. Were there traumatic losses in the past or present, such as sudden death, prolonged illnesses, stillbirths/miscarriages, bankruptcy, or divorce?

15. How was spirituality expressed?"

This was difficult for me to do but it really helped bring to light many things that I had been lying to myself about myself.  I pray that God would show you how much you are loved through this process if you choose to take the leap of faith that He'll use it.