"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." -Frederick Douglass
"Fatherhood must be at the core of the universe because the Creator of the universe is Himself a Father." - C.S. Lewis
-What is an absent father/How would you define absent?
-Why would a father not be involved?
FATHERLESS:
-Not having a father living, or lacking a father's protection;
-Not knowing the identity of one's father
-Fatherless is used to describe an individual who is devoid of a father or father figure in his/her life whether emotionally, or physically.
-Father absence refers to the varying degrees of physical or emotional absence of a father in the lives of the participants.
The Statistics
According to the 2009 U.S. Cenus Bureau, 24 million children in America - 1 out of 3 - live in biological father-absent homes.
The impact of fatherless homes.....
-71% of all high school dropouts
-85% of all youths in prison
-63% of youth suicides
-90% of all homeless and runaway children
-85% of all children who show behavior disorders
-Daughters of single parents without a father involved are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.
72.3% of Black, 65.8% of Amer. Indian/Alaskan, 35.7% of White, and 16.9% of Asian deal with fatherlessness.
Fatherlessness is nothing new: it's in the Bible!
The word 'fatherless' appears 43 times in the Bible, but only once in the New Testament.
God and the Fatherless
What does 43 references to the fatherless suggest to us about the level of God's concern for them?
God protects and defends the fatherless!
Exodus 22:22, Malachi 3:5, Zechariah 7:10, Jeremiah 22:3 (Please look these up and read if you have time, or type them into google).
We are called to defend and help the fatherless!
"Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy." -Psalm 82:3
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute." -Proverbs 31:8
How Fatherless View God
"...a generation of orphans who don't understand the love of a Heavenly Father because they have never had the love of an earthly father."
We all directly relate our Heavenly Father to our image of our earthly father...until our mind is renewed!
Before we get real deep...
YOU are not their Father!
YOU are not called to be their Father!
YOU are not even called to be a "substitute" father!
THEY HAVE A FATHER.
Fatherless Children
What Fatherless Children Desire and Need
-Maslow determined the basic human needs are:
1. Love
2. Acceptance & Approval
3. Security
These needs are met by establishing and maintaining relationships within a family.
-There are also 3 more basic needs
The 3 A's:
-Affirmation
-Affection
-Attention
A Deep Desire to Discover their identity
-What is (or was) dad like?
-Am I worthy? Why doesn't he want me? What's wrong with me?
-Who am I? Where did I come from?
-Do I look like him?
-Do I act like him?
Many youth tend to be confused about gender and roles within their own families because they have no role models to follow (mothers were both mother and father, nurturer and disciplinarian)
What are ways that youth tend to discover/seek out their identity?
A few examples:
-Joining gangs
-Through sexuality
-Overachievers
-Through violence/power (bully/mean girls)
-People pleasing
-Multiple Personalities/Experimentation
-Invisibility
-Control freaks (cutting, food, co-dependency)
-Look to media (reality TV)
-How other view them (positive/negative)
-Pregnancy
I can see how some of these examples might be playing themselves out in some of our fatherless after school program kids.
Major Reason for Joining gangs:
Gaining Self-Worth:
Gangs give "a place in society" to youths who do not get a sense of belonging from their parents of community. By doing violent work, young gang members earn praise and attentino from the older members.
We need to teach youth who they are in Christ and how God sees them.
Psalm 139 is a perfect scripture to teach them that God is the one who determined their existence on Earth. He used their parents as a "tool" to get them her. THEY HAVE A PURPOSE! THEY ARE NOT A MISTAKE!
If I ever do think of the kids without a father, I almost always have boys in mind and how not having a father in their lives will lead them along many similar paths of their actual fathers. I don't want to forget about the girls though. The following information is something I needed to learn and hear.
THE FATHERLESS DAUGHTER
-Dad is the daughter's first love! He is the most important man in her life!
-A dad's interactions with his daughter sets her up for how she's going to relate to all other men and to God. (Father's define masculinity for their daughters. A father's words, behaviors, and attitudes model manhood.)
-The two primary needs of a young girl are: Love and Security
-When a father makes it clear to his daughter that he loves her unconditionally, just for who she is, he lays the foundation for her healthy self perception.
-When he shows approval for how she looks and what she does, he validates her existence.
-When he makes her feel that she can depend on those who love her to meet her needs, she feels secure.
FIVE THINGS DAUGHTERS NEED FROM DADS:
1. Guidance:
Men can bring an analytical approach to help clarify the picture and guide them along.
2. Encouragement:
Affirming her verbally, showing she is worth the dad's investment time and energy. Demonstrate confidence in her abilities.
3. Comfort:
God wants dads to reach out in love, gentleness and touch the hearts of their daughters, showing more physical affection on an everyday basis.
4. Vision:
A daughters' ability to achieve their potential depends in part on the dad's resolve to appreciate them and cast a positive vision for their future.
5. Protection:
Men typically think of protection as defending their daughters' physical safety, however, there are also emotional, moral and spiritual dangers out there that need protecting.
Impact for the Fatherless Daughter
Fear of abandonment is the hallmark of the fatherless daughter.
-Directly linked are other emotional problems, including issues with: intimacy, sex, trust, commitment, shame, and most of all, anger.
-Makes it difficult for her to build healthy relationships with opposite sex
-Low self esteem and low self-worth
-Tend to seek worth and attention through dating/sex or perfectionism.
How she may view God
-The view of masculinity that a father projects influences how a daughter views God. In a Father's relationship with his daughter, (to her) he mirrors the attributes of God the Father.
-A father gives his daughter her first glimpse of her image and understanding of the heavenly Father.
-A daughter, who does not feel safe with her earthly father, may find it difficult to open her heart to her heavenly Father.
-She may view God as unreliable, undependable, conditional with His love and not worth trusting, having no authority.
THE FATHERLESS SON
10 Side Effects of Growing Up Fatherless
1. A crisis of Identity. Boys look to fathers in their search for self.
2. Silent anger. Anger in its many shades is one of the deep-rooted side effects and it is often directed at the wrong people.
3. A need to belong. Studies show that boys without fathers are more likely to join gangs.
4. Underestimating one's own value. Boys without fathers are more likely to grow up poor. Fatherless boys often feel as if they are not worthy and have no real value.
5. Misunderstanding character. Without a father to model character, boys choose character traits from the world around (celebrities, pro athletes, popular musicians, or neighborhood contacts).
6. Lack of respect. A father who does not show up for his boy epitomizes disrespect. From fathers, boys need to learn respectful behaviors, including listening, trust, tolerance, politeness, and understanding limits.
7. The void. Boys without fathers feel incomplete.
8. A lopsided view of sex. Beyond having a vague understanding of the difference between sex and love, boys without fathers have many unanswered questions about sex.
9. Not enough love. Boys without fathers often view love as vulnerability, and they have a difficult time trusting someone with their heart.
10. Authority issues. It's natural for a young person to transfer the hatred that he has toward the role of a "father" onto anyone who begins to fill that role in his life.
Rites of Passage
Three reasons why a rites of passage is important:
1. It creates an inward realization that a boy/girl has crossed over
2. It validates him/her in the community of men/women
3. It connects manhood/womanhood and spirituality
"Know that the youth needs a strong male influence. They need someone to show them how to live a life for Christ. For me, it was great when my (male) youth leaders would take me out and just chat; go out fishing, anything that a father would usually do with their child. Sometimes it was just to offer advice and be able to answer questions. I have a leader of mine from youth group who I think of as a legit father of mine. He took me in under his wing. He showed me how to be a good husband, serve others, love and more. The fatherless fell like they aren't worth their father's time-which causes grief. They just want to feel like they are worth someone's time, and that someone cares for them." -Zachary S.
For MEN Mentoring Fatherless BOYS
"To become a man, a boy must see a man. But that man doesn't have to be his father. In fact, ideally, it shouldn't be only his father. Even if your son has a strong father or father figure in his life, he also needs a community of men who together can provide him with the varies models of what productive adult men do." -Dr. Leonard Sax, author of Boys Adrift
"We need fathers to step up, to realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one."
There is a ton of information and years of experience and observation of fatherlessness here. I never would've thought that sometimes our perception of God can be related to the characteristics of your father until your perception is changed. Currently, there are 11 students in two:fiftytwo (our after school program, Luke 2:52) and as far as I know, 3 of them have the consistence presence of their father. Typical in the Brentwood neighborhood, I believe the statistic is around 80% of kids are fatherless. It is not my desire to be any of these kids' fathers; however, I do pray that God would put it in my heart more and more to point them towards their heavenly Father. God created them for a purpose. A few of the boys have doubted their existence, anything special that they could contribute to society.
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| Alex and Diallo, fatherless boys, being pointed towards their heavenly Father |
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| Alex "jumping the creek" |
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| Diallo kicked our butts. |
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