Right Angle

"There are those of us here that are going through a time of bereavement, and still there are others that may feel as though they are walking in the valley of the shadow of death.  But Lord, help us to know that you are here with us...Amen."  As I arrived late to church Wednesday evening, these are the words I heard the pastor speak on the TV screen in the hallways of the church.  It amazed me the timing of his words, the need in my own soul that day to know that God was with me that day.  That day of all days.  In all my days spent in Jacksonville, including way back in the summer of 2010, I don't think I'd ever experienced a more difficult day of ministry.  By no means was it as extreme as walking in the valley of the shadow of death, but if I had ever been in a valley, Wednesday was it.

Every other Wednesday in Duval County, the schools experience early release.  When Brentwood Elementary and North Shore Elementary both get out about two hours earlier than normal days, that's two extra hours of planning, monitoring, and focus.  The feeling of early release is usually kind of antsy.  I have mentioned in previous blogs my own wrong desires to want perfect, quiet, and obedient kids all day every day to feed my own selfishness.  Well, on this day, we went outside to play some kickball and some kids wanted to sit out due to the extreme heat.  Fine.  Understandable.  We get inside to do a painting craft to help us remember the memory verse.  The kids are generally interested in the painting.  Some of the paint gets on the tables.  That's okay.  Easy clean up.  Next is carpet time where the kids are all supposed to sit on the carpet and receive announcements about the day.  For some reason, a few kids had a really difficult time sitting still and focusing on the speaker.  As carpet time was going on, I was talking to a 3rd grader who decided she'd rather stand in the hallway instead of following directions.  She gave no response and stared blank into space.  This type of (no) response has really been difficult for me to deal with.  When they can clearly hear your question but make no movement or sound to indicate they are listening.  It's very easy for me to get angry and ask the question louder and demand more strongly for "respect".  This girl decided to sit at her seat away from the group and continue to deny my presence there.  I sat in a chair next to her.  Everything I told her I'm sure went through one ear and out the other.  As I'm talking to her, her 2nd grade brother is in the carpet time area knocking over chairs and running away.  His sister laughed really hard, only encouraging him to continue his craziness to get some laughs.  Great.  Now what do I do?  Him being very small, it was easy for me to get a hold of his arm to slow him down.  Once again, no word that I said was getting through to him.  To make matters even worse, both of these kids' 5th grade cousin came over to "discipline" them herself.  When a kid tells another kid what to do, even if they are related, it usually doesn't turn out well.  This led to the two girls forcefully shoving each other which caused one of our female staff members to bring down the "teacher" hammer on the 5th grader who then starting sharguing (shout arguing) with the staff member.  While all this is happening, another staff member is trying to keep the kids that are on the carpet focused on him amidst the chaos.  After carpet time came snack time.  Now it just so happens that the brother and sister had the jobs of water bottle distributor and snack distributor.  While the sister had cooled off and made some better choices, the brother was still not listening to any instructions, even intentionally doing the exact opposite.  When I told him he was not allowed to do his job, he flipped and got angry.

When kids at the program make wrong decisions, as staff members, we tell them what they did wrong and give them expectations and alternate ways to deal with similar circumstances.  If they turn things around, their punishment (which at this point is moving their clothes pin down a color) gets erased.  In either case, a conversation happens with the kids when they are on a down-spiral.  What we've never really anticipated happening is multiple children having really bad days.  This means adults are having conversations when the other kids are kind of being hung out to dry.  Luckily, the other kids had a handle on when academic time was and did their work on their own pretty well.  Despite this positive, my blood boiled, anger was being affirmed, and continued frustration set the tone for much of my night.  When the parents/grandparents were talked to about the kids, and all the other kids had gone, Marc asked me if I wanted to throw the football around, understanding the hurricane that just blew through two:fiftytwo.  I thought throwing something with all my energy would do me some good and it worked for a while.  I made that football cut through the wind and into Marc's hands as if an arrow was knocking down a horrible beast.  That day brought thoughts of "Nothing good will ever happen again," and "I want to go home and never do this again."

Throughout the day, I was angry at the kids, angry at myself, and angry at the devil and sin.  However, I couldn't get mad at God.  I almost didn't go to church, showed up 15 minutes late so that I could eat a few forkfuls of noodles since I had missed lunch because I had to plan the painting activity.  I drove to church alone, wanted to sit with my friends as if nothing was wrong and then leave and go home.  I had made up my mind that I would be angry for the rest of the night....until I stepped inside the doors of Shiloh Baptist.  I was greeted with a nod by one guy still waiting by the door for any possible stragglers.  Then, "There are those of us here that are going through a time of bereavement, and still there are others that may feel as though they are walking in the valley of the shadow of death.  But Lord, help us to know that you are here with us...Amen."  Amen indeed.  God told through that pastor's prayer that He was with me at the that church, with me at the after school program.  It was still difficult to focus on the message, but my anger turned to sorrow.  I had been doing ministry under my own strength, for my own reasons.  "If I could just get these kids to behave, then I would feel good about myself being a good role model."

I started reading a book called Give Them Grace by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson.  It's introduction sets the tone for the rest of the book.

"What would things look like if Satan really took control of a city?  Over half a century ago, Presbyterian minister Donald Grey Barnhouse offered his own scenario in his weekly sermon that was also broadcast nationwide on CBS radio.  Barnhouse speculated that if Satan took over Philadelphia (the city where Barnhouse pastored), all of the bars would be closed, pornography banished, and pristine streets would be filled with tidy pedestrians who smiled at each other.  There would be no swearing.  The children would say, 'Yes, sir' and 'No ma'am,' and the churches would be full every Sunday...where Christ is not preached."

The book talks about how raising kids to be polite and obey all the rules is not the gospel.  The idea of the gospel is that there is God's law, which nobody can keep, therefore is in need of a savior and of grace.  Grace has no buts.  Here's more of the intro to the book.

"With the right mixture of fear and guilt, I can get my three children to obey in the short term.  But my desire is not that they obey for five minutes or even for five days.  My desire is that they obey for fifty years!  And that will take something bigger and brighter than fear and guilt.  The primary reason our children fail in their doing is that they fail to grasp at a deep heart level what Jesus has already done.  They often give up in their efforts to obey because we have unconsciously trained them to obsess more over their feats for Jesus than over Jesus' feats for them."

Wow.  What is my goal in ministry?  To have the after school program digest some bad kids and hope that good kids come out?  Romans 8:28 says that God works all things for the good of those who love him.  Really?  God is going to use that terrible Wednesday for his good?  When I got home from church, I shared a couple bottles of Miller Lite with Marc and discussed the day.  I don't usually drink, but in the movies people always end up having a beer after a hard time so, why not?  We both agreed that it would be better for us to go through another Wednesday like the one we had than to have a perfect day where the kids behave and we think that we are pretty amazing.  One shows a need to glorify God, the other glorifies the self.  Brentwood is God's town.  He will make it grow, not I.



This song was definitely at the heart of what I experienced Wednesday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQnBvUiAGsI