It has occurred to me at many times in this past month that I have been acting selfishly, especially in the ways that I deal with the kids in our after school program. I've gotten a lot better at disciplining kids for obviously wrong choices. Last year, and occasionally this year, I was all about getting the kids to like and respect me. If they wanted to do something or have something, I wanted to be accommodating. "Sure you can do this easy addition worksheet instead of this reading one that you need to learn." "Sure you can go to the bathroom and waste time because you don't want to read." It took me a while to understand some of the deeper reasons kids want to do things.
For the past three weeks, as I've been more disciplined to discipline, I've noticed my own tendency to want comfort. Do I make the kids quiet down because it is rude and disrespectful when an adult is talking, or just so I can have some quiet. One thing about living in this culture is that everything seems to be louder. I grew up living in a duplex with upstairs neighbors so I quickly learned that being quiet meant less conflict. However, living here in Brentwood, noise doesn't always mean something bad is happening. Sometimes people just converse at louder decibels. Do I need to know the details of someone's day that is standing on the opposite end of the block? No, but that's just normal here. When I take parts of my culture that I grew up with and implant them into a new culture believing that my way is right and theirs is wrong, I'm showing pride and a lack of understanding. When you go into someone's house for the first time, do you automatically kick your shoes up and put your feet on the table or walk into all the rooms without invitation? I hope not. Anyway, my selfish wanting peace and quiet to make my life easier rather than wanting the kids to grow up as respectful human beings is a sin of mine that I must confess.
This past week, it hit me square in the heart. I get so frustrated when the kids hear what I say and completely ignore what I'm asking them to do. They want to be in control of their lives, even though they don't understand what sort of things are going to help them grow. We, as the adults, can see clearly how sometimes punishment for wrong choices is the only way for the kids to understand that they did something wrong. The more situations that are out of my control, the more I started to realize, "Man, I wonder how God feels when I completely disobey his commands or go do whatever I want to do with my life, thinking that it's going to bring growth when in reality only a life with Christ will bring any true life." Too often do I let daily tasks or routines take priority over my relationship with God. I'll wake up in the morning, get my Bible ready, open it up, and realize, "Let me just check my email quick," or "I need to fix me some breakfast and go to the bathroom, then I'll be ready." Pretty soon, one task leads to another and before I know it, the day is over and not once did I acknowledge God's existence. God knows that there is no way that I am going to obey all his commands and he wants me to understand my own weakness. Why in the world should I expect perfection out of these kids then?
I've got one challenge and one prayer request for this week. You probably how heard of the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do to you..." (Matthew 7:12). Have you ever asked yourself, "What would I have others do to/for me?" Being completely honest with you, I just want to have someone acknowledge my existence, help me with ideas for the after-school program, pray with/for me. Have I been doing these things to/for others? Not really. I was so happy when one of my friends that I haven't talked to in a while called me late at night just to catch up. Such an easy gesture, yet so infrequently do I do this to others. I am a selfish human being, who is commanded to love others as myself. Man, if I loved my neighbors as love myself, they would be loved so much. I probably wouldn't be able to stop thinking about them.
My prayer request is that God would not change my circumstances, but rather my heart. I don't think He concerns himself with what is happening to me, but rather what is happening in me.
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