Too Weak to be Weak

I woke up Tuesday morning, walked to the kitchen, and started making a bowl of cereal.  Something wasn't right.  I wasn't sure what it was, but I felt that I better only pour a small bowl and eat very little.  After I ate, I got ready to go to North Shore Elementary.  I got there a little after 9am and normally stay until 1pm.  That day was different.  It was getting worse.  Every time I got up and walked or even moved it was a struggle.  "Ms. Hall (the volunteer coordinator) I'm gonna leave early.  I'm not feeling too good."  I got picked up at 11am, got taken to the church, and laid down on three pillows.  One for my head, one for my knees, and finally one for my aching stomach to rest on.  Sipping on a Sprite and listening to music, I just lay there, wondering when my body would give me the go-ahead to eat food again.  As long as I didn't move, pain was minimal.  I started thinking about that chili and egg nog I had the day before.  Those tortillas were kinda old.  I still wanted to help out at the after-school program and did my best to avoid close contact with them.  The thing that was most difficult for me was trying to play it off like it wasn't that bad.  I'm not big on wanting much attention so acting less active and less talkative, in my mind, would draw uncomfortable attention to myself.

When we went outside for game time, I felt lucky enough that a couple of the volunteers picked a thinking game that didn't require me to run around or throw kickballs at kids.  I got to just stand there.  One of the kids was going crazy and Marc needed to talk to a parent and keep the schedule running.  "Hey Andrew, can you sit over in the corner and make sure he doesn't leave his spot?"  "I'm on it."  I got to just sit there.  When I got home, there was Bible study and once again, I got to just sit there.  Great opportunities to not be in pain.  I tried to eat some Ramen later that night, not because I was hungry despite not eating most of the day, but because I was told it might help my stomach.

Long story short, my stomach hurt for three days, I got aches and pains in my body on Friday, and things could have been a lot worse that week.  I'm very thankful that God made the week very stress-free for me, the kids I worked with were on their best behavior and didn't cause me to raise my voice or move excessively.  Going through last week was really tough physically.  I barely ate anything those three days besides a sandwich, a banana, two Sprites, and a couple bowls of soup.  But it gave me a lot of time to think.  I am too concerned with what people think of me.  I put up the brave front.  I refuse to share or reveal my weaknesses.  Andrew has it all together.  He is so calm in the midst of chaos.  What could be wrong with him?  I realize the dumbest thing for me to do is to put on the false self in front of God.  He pierces through even my thoughts.  Can I deceive others as to what's really going on with me?  Yep, and sometimes better than I desire.  There's part of me that wishes I could stop playing this game where I act like I don't need people.  I know sometimes it's pride, but other times it's just fear of being real with people.  I have a much easier time being open and honest with God about everything, mainly because I know his grace is sufficient and his love never fails.  There is absolutely nothing I can do that is out of the reach of God's grace.  It's difficult to be open with people, sinners.  I'm sure you know what it feels like to be judged or talked about behind your back.  I'm not saying this happens to me but there is a legitimate fear that being real with people will push people away rather than build stronger relationships.

I urge you, brothers and sisters, to love another as God has loved us.  Show no condition, no selfishness.  Read 1 John 4:7-21.  Please read it.  Some of the most growing moments in my life have come when I've felt the freedom to tell people what's on my heart, what I have difficulty with.  For those of you that I see throughout the week, if you happen to be reading this, I apologize for being so quiet, for not talking to you as much as I really want to.  I know you have convictions and have been growing in a very specific way in your life through Christ and I act as if the only part of you that's real is how your job was, how your classes were, how you're feeling physically, etc.  My life looks a whole lot like the world right now.  I get excited when the Milwaukee Bucks win a game, I care about how much I get out of my job and how much my job gets out of me, I care a little too much about things that the devil uses to distract me from my walk with God.  God, have I even acknowledged your existence today?  Did I acknowledge you like "Oh, hey God, how's your day going?" or did I bow in reverence for how Holy and Awesome and Strong and Loving you are?  I'm tired of acting like Christmas shopping matters and that Buy 1 Get 1 deals are totally awesome!  Is that what I'm living for?  Lord, forgive me for this impostor that waves his magic wand and can disappear at the sight of transparency with others.  Lord, use my weaknesses for your strength.  Please touch someone's heart who is reading this.  I want to be real.  Awake my soul!  I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.  For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.  Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth. (Psalm 57)

Here's Mekhi (rhymes with "the pie").  2nd grade boy.  Smartest kid in the program even though there are 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders.  This is his first year in the program.  He has a 3rd grade sister and a 5th grade cousin in the program as well.  They all stay with their grandma and his mother was taken away from them (I'm not sure why).  He has been on medication because I don't think he quite knows how to handle his emotions with life.  The meds make him sad but docile.  When he's off the meds, he runs around, knocks over chairs, doesn't listen to instruction, and if he's really angry, he cause curse up a storm.  He's quite athletic for a little guy.  He's fearless in capture the flag, always running hard.  Kickball, he sprints towards the ball and kicks.  He's not afraid to get knocked down or hurt.  He just keeps playing hard.  What's great about working with him for academic time is that if you give him a big packet or pages of worksheets, he will absorb all the information and work until completion, stopping occasionally for a question about a particular word, then back to work.  He figures things out brilliantly by himself.  When he's happy, he's so funny.  He can be one of the most well-behaved kids on one day, or he can be literally jumping from table to table on another day.  On Wednesday, I got to work with him and I'm amazed that God put so much brains and ability in a kid whose life around him is messed up.  Please pray that Mekhi would know that he is loved by us and more importantly that Christ died for his sins and that he can come to know his creator in a very real way, free to display all his thoughts and emotions.  I'm glad that I just got to sit there that day and watch a kid who has so much potential for God's kingdom.

"Awake My Soul" -by Mumford and Sons
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzM69btqtYI



Mekhi