Shadows

9:55am on Saturday, I pulled up to the parking lot of the Jacksonville Housing Authority in the huge 15-passenger white van decorated with spiders and their webs, black cats, smiling jack o' lanterns, and black bats.  I was alone in the parking lot, except for one stray cat that found the van to be quite intriguing.  Contrary to normal October weather in Florida, the morning was cool and breezy, perfect autumn day.  I looked at the empty lot imagining that it would soon be filled with cars, games, and hundreds of people.  Before the fun began at 1 o'clock, hot dogs needed grilling, big giant pickles needed packing, the big inflatable slide (yes, big inflatable slide) had to be transported, unrolled, and inflated, signs had to be hammered into the ground to direct cars and foot traffic, and then we'd be ready to go.

Earlier in the week, there was much anticipation at the after school program.  Every day I tried to ask some kids what ideas they had for a game they could make up for the van for this big event.  Some of their decoration ideas were pretty awesome, like painting the van black and then painting ghosts on it, but weren't very practical.  The anticipation was building and even I began to get excited for everyone that would be there.  I was very excited for Thursday to come because we were going to put the kids' plans into action.  However, there was a small glimpse on Thursday of something bigger and long-term that God has been doing in one of the kid's lives that I don't want to get overshadowed by blowing trees and falling leaves.

[Diallo, a 5th grader in our program was awarded the Student of the Month in his class and the school put on a nice catered lunch thing for the winners and their invited guests.  He asked me a couple times last week in passing if I could come.  I wanted to seem interested but I wasn't sure if I'd have time to go.  Anyway, I got some things planned ahead of time and got to go.  Mostly parents went to this thing but his mom wasn't able to go.  I felt honored to be invited and honestly always feel blown away by God's grace in how much these kids really shadow and attach to us at the program.  I arrive at the school, and again, Diallo exclaims, "Mr. Andrew!" and runs to me and gives me a hug.  Doesn't he know how flawed I am?  How weak I am?  How uncool I am?  As the principal read a paragraph from the students' teachers about those special October kids, it dawned on me why adults clapped at all those seemingly pointless awards ceremonies in school.  "Who cares if that random kid follows directions and only missed two days of school?" I used to think.  For Diallo, someone who a year ago could barely do addition or read simple words and often interrupted the class is now "improving his behavior, showing excellence in math, and making big jumps in reading."  It's cool to think about how a life can go from stagnant to full of life and growth in such a short time.]

Diallo and his principal at the Student of the Month ceremony (I sincerely clapped for all the kids)

So the students prepared on Thursday.  They wrote out plans for their game and decoration ideas, voted for their favorite, and then we brought their ideas to life.  Painted.  Taped autumn cutouts to the van (especially two well-placed bat cutouts on the hub caps).  They tested out the games, ran around outside, had a good last day of the week (no school Friday!).

Challah and Charity decorating

Ms. Dani, Tommieyah, Ferrell, and Chassidy painting

Fast forward to Saturday.  The once empty parking lot began to start trickling in some volunteer cars.  As 1 o'clock neared, even more cars arrived with games and candy.  Brother and sister Mekhi and Michaella were dropped off at the park and I was temporarily responsible for their whereabouts.  Normally talkative, hyper, and active, now were shy, quiet, and unfamiliar with this 2nd Mile festival.  We walked around to look at the petting zoo (consisting of a donkey, a small cow, a few goats, and a sheep), played a couple of the games and the siblings were surprised and excited to get rewarded with candy for throwing a ball through a hoop, or knocking over bottles with a basketball, etc.  As Charity and Chassidy (sisters also from the program showed up and said hi), the timidity and shyness slowly wore off and they were filled with energy to be guided by two that have been to the event before and could "show them the ropes."  It is interesting to me the idea of a shadow.  Always attached to the one with light showing on the other side, mimics everything.  Jesus' disciples were kind of like his shadows; Jesus is light and his followers were learning what it meant to be the light for others.  We as Christians, when striving to succeed in our own strength, fail to understand that we have someone who goes ahead of us who has a perfect will, perfect plan, and his work will be done, not ours.  I often fail to disown my ambitions and desires in my life for the sake of God's holy name.  1 Peter 1 has really encouraged me even in the past couple hours.

As I think back to this past weekend, the hugeness of this event, I can only give credit to God.  Relationships between neighbors and organizations and churches in the areas were started/strengthened/encouraged, the kids will only be that much more excited to come out next year and feel loved by their Creator, not just their community, not just 2nd Mile Ministries.

Thank you for your prayers.  Our God is mighty and awesome.  There will hopefully be a lot more pictures up on 2ndmile-jax.com soon.  God works in amazing ways.  Here is a testimony that blew me away today and reminded me of how merciful, loving, forgiving, and sovereign our Lord is.  This is part one of two.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvvClFSMIzA&feature=related

Michaella and Chassidy

Until next time, please continue to pray that big things would happen in Pearl World, in the neighborhood of Brentwood.  Honestly, my prayer life has been revealing how little I actually trust God with my every day.  If you find time, remember to pray for the ministry and those we relate to.  Sometimes I can feel the weight of Satan's lies and influences in the neighborhood as they seem to get closer and closer to my "safe bubble."

Our beautiful van

Family Fall Festival!

In less than one week, there could be over 700 people, 50 cars and trunk games, and lots and lots and lots of candy and hot dogs at our 4th Annual Family Fall Festival.  We are hoping to bless the Brentwood neighborhood with a fun, safe, and free day of food, games, and community togetherness.  One thing I love about this time of year is getting the word out.  Many of the 2nd Mile staff and volunteers spent some hours yesterday walking the many networks of streets, putting flyers in mailboxes, door handles, and fences that keep guard dogs in.  I was in Atlanta this weekend attending a wedding so I wasn't able to get back until this afternoon where a few of us who couldn't flyer yesterday, hit to the streets.  As we started off at North Pearl Baptist Church (on 30th St.), one in our group had mentioned, "Oh no, we forgot Challah!"  Challah is in our after school program.  This 3rd grader got permission to come help us flyer.  We walked to their place on 23rd St. and as our group of four got close, Challah's 5th grade brother Diallo came sprinting towards us...well, towards me.  Acting like I didn't see him coming at me, I quickly juked out of the way and he missed me.  Then he jumped on my back and said hello.  I rarely see any of the kids outside of the after school program.  The kids rarely see us outside of our "teacher/mentor" roles.  Both Diallo and Challah came with and we walked for about an hour, probably felt like a day to those of us with short kid legs and small kid patience.  Challah was so excited to hand a flyer to everybody she saw.  She even wanted to give one to the sewer.  Also, to a few dogs bigger than Challah that tried to attack me.  (Don't worry, chains and fences protected me).

What was really cool to hear about was the remembrances of last years festival by the kids who got a flyer this weekend.  Consistency, I've experienced, is one of the best ways to bless someone or some neighborhood and gain a sense of trust.  Some of the ways time and consistency have played themselves out in this ministry are as follows:

1. two:fiftytwo After School Program volunteers agree to commit to a particular day of the week.  This allows the kids to be comfortable with allowing adults to work with them.

2. At North Shore Elementary, our volunteer hours are consistent.  Tuesdays and Thursdays, they can expect me from 9am to 1pm to come in and do any extra work that may need to be finished.

3. Nine years ago, 2nd Mile Ministries began in Brentwood and its presence has, Lord willing, remained while other organizations/outreaches/good tries have failed to gain trust.

4. Three years ago, the Family Fall Festival began.  It has become an event that families can get excited about.

Face painting.  Apple bobbing.  Cake walk.  Kickball.  Costumes.  Candy.  Prizes.

Smiles.  Laughter.  Encouragement.  Relationships.  Serving.  Affirmation.  Joy.

The first list does not create the second.  Please pray that God would prepare the hearts of those working the event to be there to serve and love the community in a selfless way, a way that seeks nothing in return.  May God be glorified, not 2nd Mile Ministries or even the workers.

As we look to build the future leaders of the community at our after school program, it was encouraging today to see a togetherness of some of the students.  As our split-up flyering group joined together again, the other group picked up Ferrell (a 2nd grade boy in the program).  He's a big boy with all the funniest one-liners.  He lives on 27th St. so he must have seen the group walking and decided to join and help.  We stopped by Emery's house (former after school program student) and he was shy but smiled to see some familiar faces.  On our walk back to the car, getting ready to leave, we walked past Tommieyah (tuh-MEE-yuh), a 3rd grader in our program.  It must've been a beautiful day to be outside.  Thank you Lord that we got to see so many faces today when normally when we flyer, we don't get to talk to many people.

I'm pumped for next week.  Please pray!

Check out some pictures from last year's event

  http://www.2ndmile-jax.com/photos/family-fall-festival-2011/

Fatherlessness

To make the following blog post understandable, everything in italics will be credited to Amy Williams' power point presentation done at the CCDA conference this year in Minneapolis.  She is a "street pastor" who has 17 years experience with urban youth and gang prevention.  Everything not in italics will be my words.  This is a difficult truth to face, but I would encourage you to take a deep look at what it might be like to grow up without a father or father-figure.  You've probably at least heard it before that many kids living in poverty or inner cities often don't have their fathers around for whatever reason.  I tend to try and figure out where these fathers, or "baby-daddies" as they are called in Brentwood, go and for what reasons.  I rarely take the time to think about the babies and how they will experience life with one less parent.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." -Frederick Douglass

"Fatherhood must be at the core of the universe because the Creator of the universe is Himself a Father." - C.S. Lewis

-What is an absent father/How would you define absent?
-Why would a father not be involved?
FATHERLESS:
-Not having a father living, or lacking a father's protection;
-Not knowing the identity of one's father
-Fatherless is used to describe an individual who is devoid of a father or father figure in his/her life whether emotionally, or physically.
-Father absence refers to the varying degrees of physical or emotional absence of a father in the lives of the participants.

The Statistics
According to the 2009 U.S. Cenus Bureau, 24 million children in America - 1 out of 3 - live in biological father-absent homes.
The impact of fatherless homes.....
-71% of all high school dropouts
-85% of all youths in prison
-63% of youth suicides
-90% of all homeless and runaway children
-85% of all children who show behavior disorders
-Daughters of single parents without a father involved are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.

72.3% of Black, 65.8% of Amer. Indian/Alaskan, 35.7% of White, and 16.9% of Asian deal with fatherlessness.

Fatherlessness is nothing new: it's in the Bible!
The word 'fatherless' appears 43 times in the Bible, but only once in the New Testament.

God and the Fatherless
What does 43 references to the fatherless suggest to us about the level of God's concern for them?
God protects and defends the fatherless!
Exodus 22:22, Malachi 3:5, Zechariah 7:10, Jeremiah 22:3  (Please look these up and read if you have time, or type them into google).
We are called to defend and help the fatherless!
"Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy." -Psalm 82:3
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute." -Proverbs 31:8

How Fatherless View God
"...a generation of orphans who don't understand the love of a Heavenly Father because they have never had the love of an earthly father."
We all directly relate our Heavenly Father to our image of our earthly father...until our mind is renewed!

Before we get real deep...
YOU are not their Father!
YOU are not called to be their Father!
YOU are not even called to be a "substitute" father!
THEY HAVE A FATHER.

Fatherless Children
What Fatherless Children Desire and Need
-Maslow determined the basic human needs are:
     1. Love
     2. Acceptance & Approval
     3. Security
These needs are met by establishing and maintaining relationships within a family.
-There are also 3 more basic needs
The 3 A's:
-Affirmation
-Affection
-Attention

A Deep Desire to Discover their identity
-What is (or was) dad like?
-Am I worthy?  Why doesn't he want me?  What's wrong with me?
-Who am I?  Where did I come from?
-Do I look like him?
-Do I act like him?

Many youth tend to be confused about gender and roles within their own families because they have no role models to follow (mothers were both mother and father, nurturer and disciplinarian)

What are ways that youth tend to discover/seek out their identity?
A few examples:
-Joining gangs
-Through sexuality
-Overachievers
-Through violence/power (bully/mean girls)
-People pleasing
-Multiple Personalities/Experimentation
-Invisibility
-Control freaks (cutting, food, co-dependency)
-Look to media (reality TV)
-How other view them (positive/negative)
-Pregnancy
I can see how some of these examples might be playing themselves out in some of our fatherless after school program kids.

Major Reason for Joining gangs:
Gaining Self-Worth:
Gangs give "a place in society" to youths who do not get a sense of belonging from their parents of community.  By doing violent work, young gang members earn praise and attentino from the older members.

We need to teach youth who they are in Christ and how God sees them.
Psalm 139 is a perfect scripture to teach them that God is the one who determined their existence on Earth.  He used their parents as a "tool" to get them her.  THEY HAVE A PURPOSE!  THEY ARE NOT A MISTAKE!

If I ever do think of the kids without a father, I almost always have boys in mind and how not having a father in their lives will lead them along many similar paths of their actual fathers.  I don't want to forget about the girls though.  The following information is something I needed to learn and hear.

THE FATHERLESS DAUGHTER
-Dad is the daughter's first love!  He is the most important man in her life!
-A dad's interactions with his daughter sets her up for how she's going to relate to all other men and to God. (Father's define masculinity for their daughters.  A father's words, behaviors, and attitudes model manhood.)
-The two primary needs of a young girl are: Love and Security
-When a father makes it clear to his daughter that he loves her unconditionally, just for who she is, he lays the foundation for her healthy self perception.
-When he shows approval for how she looks and what she does, he validates her existence.
-When he makes her feel that she can depend on those who love her to meet her needs, she feels secure.

FIVE THINGS DAUGHTERS NEED FROM DADS:
1. Guidance:
   Men can bring an analytical approach to help clarify the picture and guide them along.
2. Encouragement:
  Affirming her verbally, showing she is worth the dad's investment time and energy.  Demonstrate confidence in her abilities.
3. Comfort:
  God wants dads to reach out in love, gentleness and touch the hearts of their daughters, showing more physical affection on an everyday basis.
4. Vision:
  A daughters' ability to achieve their potential depends in part on the dad's resolve to appreciate them and cast a positive vision for their future.
5. Protection:
  Men typically think of protection as defending their daughters' physical safety, however, there are also emotional, moral and spiritual dangers out there that need protecting.

Impact for the Fatherless Daughter
Fear of abandonment is the hallmark of the fatherless daughter.
-Directly linked are other emotional problems, including issues with: intimacy, sex, trust, commitment, shame, and most of all, anger.
-Makes it difficult for her to build healthy relationships with opposite sex
-Low self esteem and low self-worth
-Tend to seek worth and attention through dating/sex or perfectionism.

How she may view God
-The view of masculinity that a father projects influences how a daughter views God.  In a Father's relationship with his daughter, (to her) he mirrors the attributes of God the Father.
-A father gives his daughter her first glimpse of her image and understanding of the heavenly Father.
-A daughter, who does not feel safe with her earthly father, may find it difficult to open her heart to her heavenly Father.
-She may view God as unreliable, undependable, conditional with His love and not worth trusting, having no authority.

THE FATHERLESS SON
10 Side Effects of Growing Up Fatherless
1. A crisis of Identity.  Boys look to fathers in their search for self.
2. Silent anger.  Anger in its many shades is one of the deep-rooted side effects and it is often directed at the wrong people.
3. A need to belong.  Studies show that boys without fathers are more likely to join gangs.
4. Underestimating one's own value.  Boys without fathers are more likely to grow up poor.  Fatherless boys often feel as if they are not worthy and have no real value.
5. Misunderstanding character.  Without a father to model character, boys choose character traits from the world around (celebrities, pro athletes, popular musicians, or neighborhood contacts).
6. Lack of respect.  A father who does not show up for his boy epitomizes disrespect.  From fathers, boys need to learn respectful behaviors, including listening, trust, tolerance, politeness, and understanding limits.
7. The void.  Boys without fathers feel incomplete.
8. A lopsided view of sex.  Beyond having a vague understanding of the difference between sex and love, boys without fathers have many unanswered questions about sex.
9. Not enough love.  Boys without fathers often view love as vulnerability, and they have a difficult time trusting someone with their heart.
10.  Authority issues.  It's natural for a young person to transfer the hatred that he has toward the role of a "father" onto anyone who begins to fill that role in his life.

Rites of Passage
Three reasons why a rites of passage is important:
1. It creates an inward realization that a boy/girl has crossed over
2. It validates him/her in the community of men/women
3. It connects manhood/womanhood and spirituality

"Know that the youth needs a strong male influence.  They need someone to show them how to live a life for Christ.  For me, it was great when my (male) youth leaders would take me out and just chat; go out fishing, anything that a father would usually do with their child.  Sometimes it was just to offer advice and be able to answer questions.  I have a leader of mine from youth group who I think of as a legit father of mine.  He took me in under his wing.  He showed me how to be a good husband, serve others, love and more.  The fatherless fell like they aren't worth their father's time-which causes grief.  They just want to feel like they are worth someone's time, and that someone cares for them." -Zachary S.

For MEN Mentoring Fatherless BOYS
"To become a man, a boy must see a man.  But that man doesn't have to be his father.  In fact, ideally, it shouldn't be only his father.  Even if your son has a strong father or father figure in his life, he also needs a community of men who together can provide him with the varies models of what productive adult men do." -Dr. Leonard Sax, author of Boys Adrift

"We need fathers to step up, to realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one."

There is a ton of information and years of experience and observation of fatherlessness here.  I never would've thought that sometimes our perception of God can be related to the characteristics of your father until your perception is changed.  Currently, there are 11 students in two:fiftytwo (our after school program, Luke 2:52) and as far as I know, 3 of them have the consistence presence of their father.  Typical in the Brentwood neighborhood, I believe the statistic is around 80% of kids are fatherless.  It is not my desire to be any of these kids' fathers; however, I do pray that God would put it in my heart more and more to point them towards their heavenly Father.  God created them for a purpose.  A few of the boys have doubted their existence, anything special that they could contribute to society.

Alex and Diallo, fatherless boys, being pointed towards their heavenly Father

Alex "jumping the creek"

Diallo kicked our butts.

Disagree to Agree

How many times in the past few months have you been asked, Are you registered to vote? or Are you going to vote? or Who are you going to vote for??  It has come to my attention that this is a very important presidential election coming up, like all the other ones.  I've got to be completely honest.  I have very little interest in politics and I'm not going to vote for a presidential candidate this year.  I have heard convincing arguments for both candidates, others not so convincing, but I believe that the differing beliefs and values that people have are completely believed by those people.  Let's say candidate "A" believes 3+3=6 and candidate "B" believes 3+3=7.  Yes, one is right and one is wrong, but they both completely have faith in their answers.  In my mind, I've had a hard time being convinced that either of these candidates know the right answers.  There have been questions of adhering to the constitution, health care I hear is a big issue, the federal government's role, abortion is always an issue that weighs heavily into many American's choices.  "Of course, I know the correct answer to 3+3 is 6," some eager voters may say, but the question might be What is the capital of Uruguay? in which case the answer is not 6.

One of the biggest reasons I have had a difficult time getting involved with the political world is because I so often see a lack of communication between parties which results in a lot of bad-mouthing when people are isolated from the other side.  Have you ever talked about someone behind their back and then they awkwardly walk into the room and hear what you say?  I don't think that shows much integrity and I know I've done it.  There's an element of Which candidate will best suit my needs? or Which candidate will bring my family success? or even Which candidate will help my country improve?  The decisions we make as individuals, families, and as a government are often times selfish.  We rarely think about other people's needs first, other families' needs first, or other countries' needs first.  And how could we?  We know our situations better.  We are often isolated from different people.  Do you have any friends or family members that will probably vote for the opposite political party as you?  If you have ever had conversations about politics with this person, I bet at some point you believed completely in your heart that the other person just didn't have a clue at what was right.

A little less than two weeks ago, I came home to an envelope wedged in our door that had written Your Neighbor on the front.  Confused and anxious, I opened the letter, wondering if one of my neighbors wrote us a letter (seeing how I don't know many neighbors, this didn't exactly excite me).  Inside the envelope was a pamphlet and two free tickets to the Gracias Choir's holiday concert called "Christmas Cantatas."  Yes, Christmas music on October 1st.  There was also a letter written describing the birth of Jesus and the truth of the gospel.  I looked in the pamphlet and noticed that all the performers were Korean.  It looked really cool....and free.  They tour all over the world.  It was being performed at the Florida Theatre so I had a feeling it would be decent.  So, my girlfriend and I went, got all dressed up, and went not knowing what to expect.  Four Acts.  First, choir concert style, all musicians on stage, beautiful green dresses for the instrumental women, red dresses for the women singers, and white suits for all the men.  Second Act, the birth of Jesus in a dramatic performance with costumes and elaborate sets.  Click here to watch part of this act http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrrGHBrFyxI&feature=related.  Probably my favorite part about the concert besides the music was the obvious ministry going on.  At the end of the Second Act, the actors and singers took a bow, you know, one or two at a time depending on who had key roles.  And then the most powerful part of the night happened, everyone on stage faced the back middle of the stage where the little baby Jesus doll had been placed in the manger.  They all knelt and bowed towards Jesus and while they were still bowing, the curtain came down.  I had gone to a concert to hear some talented musicians sing some Christmas songs, and the performers gave a concert to point our direction towards Christ.  It almost seemed like going to church.  God is definitely working through that group.

Anyway, I didn't mean to write that much about the concert but what I did want to share was that my girlfriend and I were having a rough night of communicating.  Many of our arguments are silent ones.  We both like to think and process things before we say anything to the other person, but sometimes the silence creates even more tension and opportunities for making assumptions and worrying, etc.  It really was not fun to go through, but we're getting better at talking about things so that's good.  Anyway, I in no way feel that I have the world, God, myself, and others figured out.  I think a lot.  I love finding meaning in the meaningless, beauty in the ugly, focusing on what's neglected.  I pray that my blogs will not come across as offensive.  I only seek that God would open up your eyes to how others see life.  In times when I think I'm right in an argument with my girlfriend, I often turn off the listening ears and inflate my brain with pride.  Yesterday, we went through the family questions that I included at the end of my blog post called Is a pump fake a sin?.  I gotta tell ya, creating the environment where no person has the right answer in a conversation is awesome.  We talked about our upbringings and it helped reveal why we value certain things and why we react to certain things.  No one person above the other.  An equal desire to understand the other so that there can be forgiveness and reconciliation.  I often hate taking responsibility for my own sins, but it's the only way to see.

I can tell you three things about the presidential candidates.  One, neither, I believe, are seeking the will of God when deciding on what and how to implement different plans of action.  Two, both, I believe, are prideful and unwilling to seek to understand the other side and reconcile anything between parties (not sure if this will ever happen).  Three, both are sinners, not one better than the other, and I believe both need the saving grace of Jesus Christ.  Both need our prayers.  I'm telling myself that too y'all.  I rarely, if ever, pray for those in important positions in government.  I know my heart needs to forgive many people for the negative ways I've seen them use politics as an self-air pump.  I apologize if this blog offends or shocks or saddens you.

I challenge you to show a love that seeks to consider others better than yourself, maybe by listening and understanding where someone is coming from.  "Well, I grew up in a secluded village where they taught that 3+3=7.  That's just the way I was raised.  I didn't know any differently."  Well, they still may be wrong, but at least three things were created--understanding, communication, and some form of relationship.

Are you ever wrong?  Do you ever admit when you are?  It's hard.

Please pray that I seek to obey God's will above my own selfish desires.  Please pray for the presidential race, not for a particular candidate to win, but rather that the campaigning and conversations you may have with others will demonstrate an unconditional love that glorifies the Lord.  This can only be done by the grace of God, not by any human strivings.

For you name's sake, O LORD, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.  (Psalm 25:11)

To Be a Leaf

Last week was one of difficulty, but not because of outward circumstances.  For three of the five school days, our after school program director was out of the state at a conference.  What this meant for us was extra and unfamliar responsibility.  Planning, scheduling, putting specific kids with adults, main discipline, more parent conversations were all in store.  Normally when I can see any future changes coming involving me that would otherwise be excruciatingly uncomfortable, I tend to put them out of my mind and believe in my head that everything will be all right.  Coming off of a bad week previous, I was not anticipating a cake walk.  It would not be a piece of cake.  Why cake is used in analogies meaning "simple" I do not know.  I knew that any amount of planning on my part could not and would not take care of all the uncontrollable elements of every day.  Certain kids have good and bad days at the program and it's sometimes impossible to know what kind you're going to get.

This past week, I knew I would need to rely on God and trust Him that these three days undermanned would not ruin the lives of these eleven kids.  Wednesday started with me driving our huge 15 passenger white van alone to pick up the kids from Brentwood Elementary (turned out to be four kids that day).  They got in quietly, talked quietly and not rudely and the ride was amazing.  Normally, kids are yelling excitedly, jumping over the seats, not buckling up.  I thanked God.  Went to pick up more kids from North Shore Elementary, the rowdier bunch (six kids), and had an okay ride back to the church.  To not go into extreme details of the day, I will say that I had a positive outlook on how the kids were handling the different feel of having one less adult there.  Many of the kids really stepped it up, but there were a couple that had a lot of struggles.  Chassidy, who was in the program last year, did not want to play a particular game during academic time and, as she told her father at the end of the day, threw a small white board to the ground.  This led to more indignance (which I think is the correct word for what is perceived unfairness).  I will share a little more about her a little later.

I went to church Wednesday night and heard an amazing word preached.  This is starting to become a theme.  Dr. Ralph D. West preached on John 3:1-8.  The story of Nichodemus and Jesus.  It was a powerful message with a ton of information, but what really came through to me was verse 8.  The verse says, "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it goes.  So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit."  Ruwach.  (ROO - ock).  A Hebrew word meaning wind, breath, spirit.  The Dr. said the word like the sound of the wind.  The Holy Spirit will do as He pleases.  He might be a gentle breeze or a full-on storm.  The question asked the congregation--Are you holding onto a pole trying not to be moved by the wind?  This question hit me square in the heart.  Am I?  I've got to be honest, it is often times difficult for me to look deep into the mirror and see my own faults, and I have been trying to avoid answering this question all week.  But I can't escape it.  When I'm convicted to obey God with my whole day, every moment, do I follow through?  The Dr. rode this wind analogy a bit and started to compare a devout and humble Christ-follower to a floating leaf that moves every direction the air's breath directs.  Much like riding a wave, you can't create it yourself.

There are many poles in my life that I'm unwilling to trust God to let go of.  I tend to hold on tighter when the wind picks up or blows a different direction than the way I want it to.  This past week, praise the Lord, had many good things happen that we could not take credit for or even begin to understand how they happened.  Not being very good at discipline, I feared having to deal with Chassidy the day she went berzerk.  Anything the adults would say to her, she'd have a quick biting comeback and would listen to nobody.  Her dad came to pick her and her sister Charity up.  Being on "Parent Contact", the lowest spot on our discipline chart, we have the kids tell their parents why and how they ended up down there.  Chassidy, her fiery attitude turned cold, looked at her dad and confessed her tantrum and what she did that day.  In a soft voice she uttered, "I threw the board because I didn't want to play that game anymore."  She looked as if tears were on the way.  The father told her he would have a "talk" with her when they got home.  I gotta tell ya, this dad loves her girls very much.  He is a very sincere and hard-working man when he gets work do to.  Thursday and Friday, Chassidy was doing everything she could to follow all our directions to the point, even when others would try to provoke her.

My heavenly Father crowns us with compassion, does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquity.  Confessing to God I believe is the result of realizing the depth of our disobedience.  Although I have no idea what was going on in Chassidy's mind at the time she told her dad, but it paints a good picture of the importance of specifically naming the things that we do or say that displease God.  Not "sorry Lord for all the sins I may have committed" but rather, "Lord, when I snapped in the van on Thursday out of anger, I wasn't trusting in your power and I'm sorry." (This might have actually happened to me.)

When you hear the voice of God, perhaps when reading His word or through prayer, I encourage you to take on the personality of a leaf that has fallen from a tree.  (No, the leaves on the Florida trees in Autumn are not as beautiful as up north unfortunately).  These poles that we hold onto might be sins we need to confess, fears we need to let God remove, idols that reveal we love something or someone more than our Savior.  From your poles, by the power of the Holy Spirit, you need to make like a tree...and leaf.

                                                    (Chassidy after a root beer float)

Right Angle

"There are those of us here that are going through a time of bereavement, and still there are others that may feel as though they are walking in the valley of the shadow of death.  But Lord, help us to know that you are here with us...Amen."  As I arrived late to church Wednesday evening, these are the words I heard the pastor speak on the TV screen in the hallways of the church.  It amazed me the timing of his words, the need in my own soul that day to know that God was with me that day.  That day of all days.  In all my days spent in Jacksonville, including way back in the summer of 2010, I don't think I'd ever experienced a more difficult day of ministry.  By no means was it as extreme as walking in the valley of the shadow of death, but if I had ever been in a valley, Wednesday was it.

Every other Wednesday in Duval County, the schools experience early release.  When Brentwood Elementary and North Shore Elementary both get out about two hours earlier than normal days, that's two extra hours of planning, monitoring, and focus.  The feeling of early release is usually kind of antsy.  I have mentioned in previous blogs my own wrong desires to want perfect, quiet, and obedient kids all day every day to feed my own selfishness.  Well, on this day, we went outside to play some kickball and some kids wanted to sit out due to the extreme heat.  Fine.  Understandable.  We get inside to do a painting craft to help us remember the memory verse.  The kids are generally interested in the painting.  Some of the paint gets on the tables.  That's okay.  Easy clean up.  Next is carpet time where the kids are all supposed to sit on the carpet and receive announcements about the day.  For some reason, a few kids had a really difficult time sitting still and focusing on the speaker.  As carpet time was going on, I was talking to a 3rd grader who decided she'd rather stand in the hallway instead of following directions.  She gave no response and stared blank into space.  This type of (no) response has really been difficult for me to deal with.  When they can clearly hear your question but make no movement or sound to indicate they are listening.  It's very easy for me to get angry and ask the question louder and demand more strongly for "respect".  This girl decided to sit at her seat away from the group and continue to deny my presence there.  I sat in a chair next to her.  Everything I told her I'm sure went through one ear and out the other.  As I'm talking to her, her 2nd grade brother is in the carpet time area knocking over chairs and running away.  His sister laughed really hard, only encouraging him to continue his craziness to get some laughs.  Great.  Now what do I do?  Him being very small, it was easy for me to get a hold of his arm to slow him down.  Once again, no word that I said was getting through to him.  To make matters even worse, both of these kids' 5th grade cousin came over to "discipline" them herself.  When a kid tells another kid what to do, even if they are related, it usually doesn't turn out well.  This led to the two girls forcefully shoving each other which caused one of our female staff members to bring down the "teacher" hammer on the 5th grader who then starting sharguing (shout arguing) with the staff member.  While all this is happening, another staff member is trying to keep the kids that are on the carpet focused on him amidst the chaos.  After carpet time came snack time.  Now it just so happens that the brother and sister had the jobs of water bottle distributor and snack distributor.  While the sister had cooled off and made some better choices, the brother was still not listening to any instructions, even intentionally doing the exact opposite.  When I told him he was not allowed to do his job, he flipped and got angry.

When kids at the program make wrong decisions, as staff members, we tell them what they did wrong and give them expectations and alternate ways to deal with similar circumstances.  If they turn things around, their punishment (which at this point is moving their clothes pin down a color) gets erased.  In either case, a conversation happens with the kids when they are on a down-spiral.  What we've never really anticipated happening is multiple children having really bad days.  This means adults are having conversations when the other kids are kind of being hung out to dry.  Luckily, the other kids had a handle on when academic time was and did their work on their own pretty well.  Despite this positive, my blood boiled, anger was being affirmed, and continued frustration set the tone for much of my night.  When the parents/grandparents were talked to about the kids, and all the other kids had gone, Marc asked me if I wanted to throw the football around, understanding the hurricane that just blew through two:fiftytwo.  I thought throwing something with all my energy would do me some good and it worked for a while.  I made that football cut through the wind and into Marc's hands as if an arrow was knocking down a horrible beast.  That day brought thoughts of "Nothing good will ever happen again," and "I want to go home and never do this again."

Throughout the day, I was angry at the kids, angry at myself, and angry at the devil and sin.  However, I couldn't get mad at God.  I almost didn't go to church, showed up 15 minutes late so that I could eat a few forkfuls of noodles since I had missed lunch because I had to plan the painting activity.  I drove to church alone, wanted to sit with my friends as if nothing was wrong and then leave and go home.  I had made up my mind that I would be angry for the rest of the night....until I stepped inside the doors of Shiloh Baptist.  I was greeted with a nod by one guy still waiting by the door for any possible stragglers.  Then, "There are those of us here that are going through a time of bereavement, and still there are others that may feel as though they are walking in the valley of the shadow of death.  But Lord, help us to know that you are here with us...Amen."  Amen indeed.  God told through that pastor's prayer that He was with me at the that church, with me at the after school program.  It was still difficult to focus on the message, but my anger turned to sorrow.  I had been doing ministry under my own strength, for my own reasons.  "If I could just get these kids to behave, then I would feel good about myself being a good role model."

I started reading a book called Give Them Grace by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson.  It's introduction sets the tone for the rest of the book.

"What would things look like if Satan really took control of a city?  Over half a century ago, Presbyterian minister Donald Grey Barnhouse offered his own scenario in his weekly sermon that was also broadcast nationwide on CBS radio.  Barnhouse speculated that if Satan took over Philadelphia (the city where Barnhouse pastored), all of the bars would be closed, pornography banished, and pristine streets would be filled with tidy pedestrians who smiled at each other.  There would be no swearing.  The children would say, 'Yes, sir' and 'No ma'am,' and the churches would be full every Sunday...where Christ is not preached."

The book talks about how raising kids to be polite and obey all the rules is not the gospel.  The idea of the gospel is that there is God's law, which nobody can keep, therefore is in need of a savior and of grace.  Grace has no buts.  Here's more of the intro to the book.

"With the right mixture of fear and guilt, I can get my three children to obey in the short term.  But my desire is not that they obey for five minutes or even for five days.  My desire is that they obey for fifty years!  And that will take something bigger and brighter than fear and guilt.  The primary reason our children fail in their doing is that they fail to grasp at a deep heart level what Jesus has already done.  They often give up in their efforts to obey because we have unconsciously trained them to obsess more over their feats for Jesus than over Jesus' feats for them."

Wow.  What is my goal in ministry?  To have the after school program digest some bad kids and hope that good kids come out?  Romans 8:28 says that God works all things for the good of those who love him.  Really?  God is going to use that terrible Wednesday for his good?  When I got home from church, I shared a couple bottles of Miller Lite with Marc and discussed the day.  I don't usually drink, but in the movies people always end up having a beer after a hard time so, why not?  We both agreed that it would be better for us to go through another Wednesday like the one we had than to have a perfect day where the kids behave and we think that we are pretty amazing.  One shows a need to glorify God, the other glorifies the self.  Brentwood is God's town.  He will make it grow, not I.



This song was definitely at the heart of what I experienced Wednesday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQnBvUiAGsI

Is a pump fake a sin?

I often wonder about the definition of deception.  It implies lying, putting on a face, making others think something else, creating diversions.  There's a lot of messiness that comes out of deception.  There's the saying that covering up a lie just creates more and more lies, like a spider's web.  Mark Twain said, "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."  If I'm being completely honest, which is something I need to work on, I need to tell you that sometimes I get some satisfaction out of being a trickster.  Please allow me to explain.

Basketball is my favorite sport.  I've played since I was in 2nd grade, been on organized teams, went to a few basketball camps, watched it on TV a ton, and I still play at the courts nearby where I stay.  I'm 6 ft tall on a good day, weigh 150 lbs on a good day, have a decent shot, can't jump or play good defense.  I grew up waiting for my growth spurt.  Always one of the shortest on the court, I got pretty good at dribbling and really comfortable at the point guard position.  Court vision and passing became key elements to my game since I'd probably never get a rebound or be anywhere near the basket.  In middle school, I use to telegraph my passes (look at who I was passing to) and thus get the ball stolen sometimes.  Getting into high school, into college, and now on the streets, my favorite play has become the no look pass.  Pretty soon, throwing off an opponent became my favorite thing to do.  When you are able to pass to someone that no one else is paying attention to, you get the feeling that you can see the invisible.  Even when you pass the ball, defenders don't know where it's going.  I've often wondered, is it wrong to try my hardest to deceive people with this?  I don't have a clear answer either way.

There are games that involve lying.  Games like Boulderdash and Malarky imply deceitfulness just in their board game titles.  Mafia is a game in which there is a designated "killer" who tries to win the game by convincing everyone that he is just an innocent "townsperson" like everyone else.  People get voted out of the game based on who people believe the mafia is.  This is a game where my competitiveness and deception can come out in very negative ways for me.  Cheating at games in order to have an advantage in them is not something I do and I get quite annoyed when others try to do it.  However, I must admit, that I have cheated in games just to see if I could get away with it.  It's like an entirely different game for me.  When the Packers scored a touchdown off of a fake field goal attempt, that rare trickery got me excited.  When Ms. Deirdree (on staff with 2nd Mile) got me out of jail (in a game of capture the flag) when the whole game she just stood still guarding our flag, that unexpected move was so awesome and memorable for me.  When a magician completely fools me, that form of deception entertains.

I guess in my recent thoughts about deception, I've been kind of curious--are these seemingly harmless forms of deception healthy?  My answer is, I have no idea.  I do know that lying and deception are sins, but is it only to the degree that it hurts someone else?  The past few weeks, I've been reading through Genesis about Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  This past week I've been learning about how traits and values (both good and bad) are passed down through families.  Family life and how you are raised probably play the biggest part in the way you think and live.  Chapter 12 shows how Abraham (then Abram) lied and said that Sarah (then Sarai) was his sister and not his wife in order to protect his life.  The next generation, Isaac (in Chapter 26) does the same thing and says that Rebekah is his sister so that he isn't killed for having a beautiful wife.  This lying trait was passed down.  The next generation with Jacob gets even more messy.  Jacob disguises himself as his brother Esau and Isaac (with fading eyesight) gives Jacob the blessing instead (Chapter 27).

Anyway, I don't think I have a wrap-up/conclusion to this blog.  I know that I like no look passes, seeing what is unseen, and occasionally mind games.  I leave you with this list of questions, straight from a book I've been reading called The Emotionally Healthy Church.  These questions were written with the intention of helping Christ-followers understand the way they operate and how leaving negative ways of thinking unchecked, left under the surface, can lead to some devastating things generations from now.  I think these questions would be good for anyone to go through.  Sometimes looking back on past events from the family we grow up in can be difficult and painful and weird, but these questions are just to bring to the surface some of the ways we might negatively impact the present with our past.

"1. Describe each family member with three adjectives and their relationship.

2. Describe your parents' relationship.

3. How was conflict handled in your family? Anger?  Tension?

4. How were gender roles and authority worked out in your family?

5. How well did you family do in talking about feelings?

6. How would your family describe you? How do you think you family things about you?

7. How was sexuality talked or not talked about? What were the implied messages?

8. Were there any family "secrets" (such as pregnancy out of wedlock, incest, or major financial scandal)?

9. What was considered "success" in your family?

10. How was money handled? Spirituality? Holidays? Relationship with extended family?

11. How did your family's ethnicity shape you?

12. Were there any heroes or heroines in the family? Scapegoats? "Losers"? Why?

13. What kinds of addictions, if any, existed in the family?

14. Were there traumatic losses in the past or present, such as sudden death, prolonged illnesses, stillbirths/miscarriages, bankruptcy, or divorce?

15. How was spirituality expressed?"

This was difficult for me to do but it really helped bring to light many things that I had been lying to myself about myself.  I pray that God would show you how much you are loved through this process if you choose to take the leap of faith that He'll use it.