Losing Your Life to Find It

You'll hear many say that Christmas is the time of giving rather than receiving, but this statement still has the aroma of presents and buying things for other people. I admit, at times I'm exciting to see how thankful someone is for the gift I bought them, thus feeding my pride and sense of worth. Similarly, when I try to get Maximus to smile or laugh by any means necessary, many times it's self-seeking. A smile or a laugh will feed me the satisfaction of being a good dad, regardless if I'm thinking at all of the fact that Max is happy.

Next on my to-read list is a thin book called The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness:The Path to True Christian Joy by Timothy Keller. I have yet to open it and start reading. There's just something about the title that is really compelling, yet difficult to actually begin. I don't want to forget myself. Am I taken care of? Will what I'm about to do benefit me in the end? I don't want to lose in life. Me and mines first, right America? The book simply has a picture of a mirror on it. It kind of bugs me that I can't see myself despite the mirror pointing directly at me.

As Christmas approaches, I ask you a few questions:

1.) When giving gifts this year to family or friends, are you more concerned with showing them how much they mean to you or with how much you mean to them?

2.) Which of these reason do you get excited for Christmas season the most?

    a.) The festive music

    b.) Getting gifts for people

    c.) Seeing family

    d.) Opening presents

    e.) Christmas decorations and snow

    f.) Jesus

Oh yeah, Jesus. I'd hope that "f" was my answer, but "a-e" coax me into their fantasy, like swimming free from molasses. Advertisements get more jolly, red, and green, Star Wars throws in a scene with snow during their December opening weekends, TV runs Christmas movies seemingly non-stop. I'm really sorry Jesus that we anticipate these things more readily than reflect on the anticipation of a savior that came from your birth. Help us see Christmas through new eyes.

3.) If you didn't know they were Mary and Joseph, how might you treat them if you saw them today?

John 13:34-35 says, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

How are we to love like Jesus loved? First of all, how did he love others? He hung out with sinners, he touched and healed sick people, saw people for who they truly were, he was a servant to others, he wept for peoples' sadness, the list goes on. There are many things you can do and say over the holidays that can communicate this love, but remember, it is not for you to feel good about yourself, but to show the love of Christ. Ask a relative how they are doing, how they really are doing, ask them meaningful questions, pray for them, enter into their sorrow, share in their joys, make it about them, forget yourself.

But how can I express the love of Christ to those less fortunate than I am? I'm glad you ask all the right questions. I have one answer to this. You can help out our ministry and the families that we serve in some small ways. 

   First, you could give financially in order to help continue the work God is doing in our neighborhood. You could give one-time, or you could be one of our regular givers of $50, $100, $250, or some other amount each month. Even if you can't or won't give, click here to see what the page looks like.

God bless us, everyone!

   Second, you could have a look at our amazon wishlist. These include school supplies, books for reading (with people of color), and items for our after-school program store (the kids have occupations with which they wrote an application, had an interview, and can earn "money" to buy things). You can even buy some of our snacks or cleaning supplies if you'd like. Here's our Amazon wishlist. Take a look! You can ship items to 1650 Margaret St. Suite 302 #339, Jacksonville, FL 32204. Thank you to whoever got us dodgeballs! Ours were falling apart and now we can play at least five more types of games during rec time. There's nothing more fun than throwing a soft foam ball at a child.

   Lastly, if you can't help us out financially or materially, your prayers work. I do know that where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:21). If you treasure your prayer time, lift us up in prayer. General prayers would be that God would move in the hearts and minds of the students and their families, that they'd grow up to be leaders in their community, that they'd learn more about who they are in God's eyes, and for strength, patience, and endurance for us on staff.

Misdeal

Occasionally in card games, when dealt such a terrible hand, a misdeal can be called and in order to be a little more fair, cards are dealt again. When I'm dealt a terrible hand in spades or hearts or euchre, either during the round or after, I need to at least make it known that my terrible performance had everything to do with getting terrible cards. Perhaps to save face, I want everyone to know that my ability to play the game was impeded by some bad luck. On the other side, when I absolutely trounce an opponent in cards, it is so easy to then feel like I bested them with endurance of wit and will. My competitiveness gets amped up especially when a game relies less on luck and more on skill. I'd say sports are a good example of this. However, imagine playing a game where time after time, the worst cards were dealt you, but after awhile, it no longer seemed like bad luck, but it seemed the people playing the game have it rigged for you to fail and themselves to succeed. Now imagine that quitting the game to find something else to do wasn't even an option. You have to sit there and take the loss game after game. The winners puff up and say, "If only you knew strategy better, you'd win like us," and yet you know that their smarts had little to do with their advantage in the game. Imagine telling everyone the game is rigged only to be met with accusations of being a complainer. You shout and no one listens to you. Pretty soon, saying anything becomes useless, knowing that it will fall on deaf ears. In my silence, I start to wonder, "Maybe I can't play as well as them? I won't win anyway, so why should I try?"

Enter in, the Black Lives Matter movement.  Birthed out of an outcry for justice in how they've seen the game rigged against them. Police brutality, racial profiling, and racial inequality in the criminal justice system are at the very heart of this cry.  No, not all cops are bad, but when these unfair dealings happen often enough and lives are destroyed, I'd get worked up in a frenzy if I felt nothing was changing. Any opposition to All Lives Matter or Blue Lives Matter is not disagreeing that they matter, it's just seen as an excuse to not see the injustice for what it is.

Enter in, Colin Kaepernick. He sat during the National Anthem. Later in an interview, he stated that it was because he felt like in the United States, certain issues needed to be addressed, stating police brutality as one of these things. In future games, he would kneel (at the suggestion of a previously offended veteran who had an open dialogue with Kaepernick). My, if there was ever a backlash, here it came. If you're familiar with people wearing headphones, you probably have witnessed them talking annoyingly loud. It's like these people come out of the woodwork (a phrase I don't entirely understand) and refuse to understand Kaepernick's purpose of kneeling while pushing back with things like "I can't believe he'd disrespect the colorful rectangular fabric like that," or "He should protest in a prayer closet so we don't have to see it on sacred football Sunday." (I may have exaggerated). We live in a country where the majority of black people we see is on our favorite sports teams, maybe on a TV show that we channel-change past, or maybe even a mug shot on the news here or there. Unfortunately, ain't no professional athletes or celebrities in Brentwood (I almost said Jacksonville, but the Jags have a team this year) and the rest of the people are not criminals. There are so many amazing kids, amazing parents, amazing neighbors here that have the worst cards in their hand day after day.

Here's a video on how God makes a fair game.

For the past six or seven years, I've been in the unique position to live in a poverty-stricken neighborhood and yet have a middlish-class white suburban upbringing. The way I live greatly differs from those who have been in generational poverty. I might not be stressing about whether or not I'm eating today or if I'll have water, electricity, a house, etc. I have the luxury to look forward to things in the distant future, a holiday vacation for instance. I'm not so near-sighted as to wonder how I'm going to fill my belly, or much less, the bellies of my family. Parenting is hard. Parenting alone is more than twice as exhausting I feel. The fact that many families in the hood are matriarchal, single mothers taking care of the family, I marvel at their perseverance despite their circumstances. They are some of the hardest workers I've seen.

As this justice video suggests, we are all guilty of injustice. Before I reveal my own, I would have you ask yourself, "In what ways are you unjust? In what ways are you turning your face away from those less fortunate? What possesses your gaze and your attention that you ignore God's call to love the poor?" Please take a moment and consider these questions, right now.......

Did you do it? Was it easy or hard to answer? I find it difficult to answer because one, I don't want to be convicted of something that I may not be doing, and two, it's hard to pinpoint such a broad question and nail down my exact lack of action. For you, maybe it's proximity. Out of sight, out of mind so to speak. Maybe it's the realization that like in Mark 14:7, the poor we will always have with us. What help can I do? Here's my answer. I confess that although I live in this neighborhood, I have more and more quieted my voice for them. From the video, Proverbs 31:8-9 says, "Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy." I grow tired of having what I say fall on deaf ears. To tell people of the importance of justice, the dignity of these people and get a ho-hum response, "Oh, that's nice," and yet no action gets frustrating. As I've written this blog, I've taken more of a cautious step in what I write as to not offend or cause unwanted disagreements from people who clearly care more about being heard than listening. I have not been the voice of the poor out of foolish fear of any push back from who this community may consider blind or apathetic.

In my experience living in the city (Milwaukee, Jacksonville), I have to start with the observation, "Why are there so many black people in the city? And why are so many poor? Why do white people have more money?" The answer has nothing to do with working hard, or being more qualified, or having a higher education; it has everything to do with injustice. Where injustice may be the simple answer, the more complex one has to do with centuries of darkness in regards to how black people have been treated (slavery, segregation, lynching, mass incarceration, systematic failures, food deserts, lack of jobs, neglect, the list goes on in more details than I can even wrap my head around). I recently heard in an interview on TV that the opposite of poverty is not wealth, but justice. Imagine a country, a world where there actually was equal opportunity, no prejudice, and lots of humble people putting others before themselves.

So how do we get there from where we are now? The first thing I will say is that apart from Christ you can do nothing. (John 15:5). Christ's whole life was about reaching the unreachable, crossing racial lines, loving the marginalized, the broken, the sick. I'd start with prayer, asking God what he may have for you to do. God's convicting me to be more vocal about the injustices I see but also the untapped brilliance of some in Brentwood that may otherwise go overlooked. If you can't give your time and presence, you can always give your prayers.  If you want your heart to be more for the poor, Matthew gives us a helpful hint in the sixth chapter and twenty-first verse. "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." If you treasure your time, give your time. If you treasure your comfort in resources, give of your resources. 2nd Mile Ministries would love to partner with you in seeing God restore lives not just spiritually, but mentally, physically, emotionally, educationally, economically, and in so many other ways. As we enter the holiday season, consider thanking God for all he has done for you and given you, and thank someone, love someone less lucky.  By investing in the ministry, you are helping the youth of Brentwood gain the leadership skills, vocational skills, and knowledge of spiritual, physical, and emotional health. You can click 2nd Mile Ministries and check out all that is going on. "Like us" on facebook, but also like us in real life. If you want to hear more, email me at lilvollmer@gmail.com. I'd love to call and have a conversation.

Have a great Thanksgiving and time with loved ones!

(Obligatory Max pic) How Max feels about injustice

Abiding in Christ

My heart and my mind are still transitioning back to work. Going almost four months without doing my normal work responsibilities was a great time of rest, but also got me out of my element. Being back for not quite a month yet, I'm already sure that there's no going back to the way things were. Working a job and being a husband and a parent are now things that I will need to balance in my life. I am now in charge of raising this little baby while also making sure my wife feels loved, and on top of all that, I'm working to raising leaders in our neighborhood to love God and love others. It all can seem overwhelming at times...that is, until I consider the big picture, the Big Guy doing all the growing.

I'm not much for gardening. I remember growing up at our old house in West Allis, WI, my mom had a small garden between our garage and the neighbor's garage and occasionally we'd go out and pick tomatoes that were ripe (and sometimes not ripe). I never really did any of the work, maybe I put a seed or two in the ground, and maybe I even watered the plants on occasion, but the grunt work was done by my green-thumbed mother. I didn't really know how to take care of any living thing. I came to AP Biology class the first day with 10 pillbugs (our assignment), but I didn't put holes, grass, or anything in the old sour cream container. Short story even shorter, they died fast. Advanced Placement. Ha! Considering that class, I think I'm taking care of Max a little better.

Our neighborhood does not have good access to healthy produce. Our grocery stores often haven't nearly rotten vegetables, and for those who can't get to a grocery store, a bag of chips at a corner store is a much more convenient way to stifle temporary hunger.

For the past few years, 2nd Mile Ministries has really pushed health education in our programs, partnered with a nutritional garden not two blocks from our current facilities, and even won a grant from Aetna in order to fund this aspect of our ministry. As part of Aetna's campaign in Jacksonville, they made a video that includes our ministry and initiative. Check it out!

Pretty sweet, huh? I recall a trip to Disney's Epcot and one of the rides was on a slow moving boat that showed passengers new and innovative ways of growing vegetables. Food seemed to grow right out of pvc pipes in the most efficient looking farming process I'd ever seen.  You may have noticed a version of this in the video behind one of the people being interviewed. How awesome it would be for every family in Brentwood to learn how to grow their own food in their own backyards, or at least close to home!

On occasion, I paint pictures. Painting helps me visualize what's going on in my head and my heart. They often incorporate a tree. Trees symbolize life to me. In many ways we are like trees. I'll let you come up with your own reasons why that's true. Even Jesus agrees with me in a sense. He uses trees in many of his parables and other teachings.  In John 15 he describes a life abiding in him. He is the vine and we are the connected branches. Detached from the vine, we can do nothing. We are connected to the vine to be fruitful, more fruitful, and to have much fruitfulness. That is our purpose. However, only through Christ (the vine) can we have the ability to bear fruit.  For the past few months, I've been reading Andrew Murray's Abide in Christ as well as his Humility, (a book of which my wife jokingly told me, "That's a good book for you.") Haha, I agree. Anyway, Abide in Christ is a devotional of which Murray emphasizes Christ's second big command for the life of a Christian, "Abide in me." (The first of which is his saving call to, "Come to me.") Abiding in Christ is an every day, every moment call to put your life inside the will of Lord, resting in Him, obeying Him, being yoked to Him. There is not a moment where He is not with you, so to not acknowledge Him throughout your day is to act as a detached branch, unable to do anything. Abiding in Christ is also an act of humility. Allow me to share a powerful excerpt of the devotional.

"He that believeth in me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do, because I go to the Father." He no longer thinks that He cannot have a blessing, and must be kept unfruitful, that he may be kept humble. He sees that the most heavily laden branches bow the lowest down. Abiding in Christ, he has yielded assent to the blessed agreement between the Vine and the branches, that of the fruit all the glory shall be to the Husbandman, the blessed Father.

What does my branch look like? Is it fruitful? If I'm asking these questions of myself, I'm probably not bearing fruit, especially if that fruit is more important than the abiding in the Vine. Even if I were bearing fruit, I can only delight in the Vine which allows me to be fruitful.

In regards to gardening, 1 Corinthians 3:7 says it all, "So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters in anything, but only God, who makes things grow." Let me say that again. In regards to abiding in Christ, discipling others, doing ministry, praying, loving others, the results are not a product of our own efforts. The growth belongs to God. Therefore, yoke yourselves to Christ, for he is gentle and lowly (humble) in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. No need to strive to produce good things, just remain in him. Walk with him daily. While you're cooking dinner, walk with him. Thank him for that food. When you go into work tired and frustrated, be with him and follow his lead. Work as towards the Lord.  I guess what I'm saying is, take that living water and water your relationship with the Lord in order for him to produce something beautiful in you, for His glory, not yours. Go too long without that water, and you know what happens; the leaves get all dried up or the produce gets rotten and then your BLT relationship with God becomes just a bacon sandwich, which sounds delicious, but will eventually clog your arteries and send you to the hospital, of which God is the owner, the top donor, and head of physician, and will cut off those branches that do not produce fruit.

Galatians 5:22-23, says that the fruit of the Spirit (not the fruit of Andrew's hard work) is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Peace out, Oxygen!

Praise God for:

-Max is finally off oxygen completely!

-There is nothing wrong with my heart, just some inflamed cartilage in the rid cage.

Please pray for:

-My continued transition back to work, it's difficult to control myself from playing games and helping lift and move things around (gotta take it easy if I want my chest to heal)

-God to grow those in our community to love Him and others more and more

-The health of Brentwood's people, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually

Self Care and Grace

Max Update

July 7th, 2017, Maximus came home from the hospital and suddenly Missi and I were the sole caretakers for this complicated human being with all his tubes and wires and monitors.  After getting the typical no-sleep that new parents often get, we got into a rhythm of rotating when we would take naps and when we'd spend time together.  After a couple months of this, we are getting to love every tiny little milestone that Max gives us.  He is slowly weening off of oxygen (good), he is starting to smile when we talk to him and give him attention (adorable), but he has since forgotten how to eat from a bottle (not so good). Luckily we can tube feed him but his gag reflex is very sensitive, even to the point where he chokes even before the bottle is in his mouth.  We are working with so many specialists to make sure he stays on track for his development.  Just a recap, he is almost 7 months old but is like a normal 3 month old baby developmentally.


We've been getting more and more used to bringing him out of the house to go to social gathering where he is "quarantined" in a room for his own health. With the hurricane coming in over the weekend, we evacuated to Charlotte, NC where we endured a 12-hour car ride filled with tube feedings and changed diapers galore.  Max slept most of the way there and back like a good boy.  The best parts of my day include just making simple eye contact with my son and he grins that silly half smile.

Ministry Update
Although I've been on paternity leave for the summer and now on sabbatical, I've heard bits and pieces as to how things in the 2nd Mile world have been going. Summer day camp had many high schoolers step up into leaderships roles for the first time, leading stations, making lesson plans, shepherding the kids to their different rotations. Already as the school year has been about a month in, I've heard that there has been tremendous progress in our returning kids, especially those who have had problems in the past with anger and defiance.  One thing that has really weighed heavily on my heart is some of the pain that has come with the summer. One of the high schoolers that was a part of LEAD (2nd Mile's high school program) died in a car wreck.  One of our elementary school students who already had some emotional issues last school year lost his father in a car wreck.  I never met the man but from what I remember, this boy admired his dad and looked up to him.  From what I've heard from my coworkers, he hasn't seemed too externally distressed by that loss.  I know there's some unprocessed feelings that are probably confusing to a young boy dealing with the death of a loved one. Pray that he feels God's love and 2nd Mile's love this year to really bring healing to those confusing emotions.  His name is Al'Savion.

Me Update

Beautiful disc golf course at Nevin Park, Charlotte, NC

Bringing home Max was awesome, getting to see the intricacies of his being--yawning, pooping, crying, wiggling--has been an amazing gift.  This summer, I've noticed my free time fading and I guess that just comes with the territory.  I've recently taken up disc golf more regularly as my "me-time" whenever I can get it.  There's just something about walking in a park early in the morning with nobody around except me, God, and a few discs that is just relaxing to my being.  I love the way that the discs leave my hand and paint the air with their flight, barreling towards a basket, it's eventual home.  Last weekend in Charlotte, I was excited to learn that there were about 15 courses within 10 miles of where we evacuated.  After getting the green light from my amazing wife, I proceeded to check out a few courses over the next few days.  It was strangely wonderful to see elevation changes, hills, wooded walls, and streams compared to the flatness of Florida.  On the way back to Jacksonville, I noticed my chest hurting on the left side. Not knowing exactly what it was, I assumed it may have been heart burn or something so I took some Tums.  After arriving home and getting the car unpacked, my chest pain got worse as I was laying down for bed. After taking the pain for a minute, I remained motionless (as to avoid more pain) and eventually got some sleep.  I woke up, still in pain, barely able to move, much less stand up, and made my way to the kitchen in order to feed Max. The chest pain sky rocketed and my ability to stand disappeared. I passed out, ended up the floor, my chin hurt (must've smacked onto the kitchen counter), and Missi called an ambulance. I've never done that before in my life. I recalled a story of a friend of a friend who had chest pain on a long bus ride who died the next day. I'm going to be honest, this thought crossed my mind.  As the ambulance came, they asked me questions while I was laying sideways on the floor.  I was completely alert, just couldn't talk with much volume. They helped me to my feet, and then I fell out again.  The next thing I can remember is being wheeled to the ambulance. My hearing was shot (felt like I had plugs in my ears), I couldn't really see vivid colors (much like when Maximus in the movie Gladiator experiences the afterlife), and at one point everything was a light yellow light.  I remember praying for God to save me, knowing that I would hate to leave Missi and Max like that.  I had to control any urge to cry for it caused my chest too much pain. I get to the hospital, they give me a chest X-ray to rule out any heart problems, they put like 15 stickers on my chest to monitor whatever it is they monitor, and checked my blood pressure repeatedly. Apparently it was 90 over 60 at one point.  Fast forward to today, I still have minor chest pain, the doctor said the some cartilage in the chest wall around the rib cage were inflamed. It's possible the combination of packing up our car with Max and other heavy things, of disc golfing way more than I normally do, of being confined to our small car for 9 hours, and of possibly being a bit dehydrated had something to do with the chest pain.

Things I can praise God for:
-He saved me.
-There isn't anything wrong with my heart, just my chest wall.
-I'm able to get in and out of bed with only a little pain.
-I got a doctor's appointment in today when previously they could only schedule me for two weeks from now.

Yesterday when I came home from the ER, I was lying in bed, unable to really do much, and all I could observe was my wife not only making sure I was okay, but taking care of our son, his feedings, his dirty diapers, his ticking time bomb projectile vomiting. The most painful part about being in bed was not the chest pain, but the inability to help her. My wife is awesome.  She saw the movie Wonder Woman a bunch in the theaters, but she's the real wonder. Amidst all the chaos of taking care of the house as well as the two babies in the house, she had time to carry Max into our room so that I could say hi to him since I was stuck in the other side of the house. I love that kid so much, and my wife even more. I think with all the confusion of not really understanding why all that had happened that day had happened and my frustration with not being able to help couldn't handle to simple gesture of grace that Missi showed me. As much as I didn't want my chest to hurt from crying, the tears came down.  Those two not being in my life would be unbearable. I had to ask Missi to take Max away from me for a bit because it was too much for me to handle and comprehend.  Where disc golf has been my safe place this summer, the importance of Missi and Max takes precedence.

There is nothing that you and I can do to rectify our sin. We are motionless in the pain of our imperfection. I didn't ask Missi to bring Max into our room, yet it was exactly what I needed. Jesus came and allowed himself to me murdered for our sake. There is nothing we could do to stop that.  Having someone pay for our mistakes doesn't seem fair, yet I imagine that when I see Jesus he will be met with tears as the realization of his great love for me will be too much for me to bare.

With just three or four weeks left of my sabbatical, I'm going to take it easy, hopefully read a book or two, get closer to Jesus, take care of myself, drink more water, limit my physical activity, spend quality time with my wife and son.

Please pray that:
-Max relearns how to eat from a bottle.
-God heals my chest pain fully.
-God would heal any hurt in Al'Savion's life
-God would reveal to you what habits in your life need to go. What is of God and what is of you?

God is the good Father

Ministry Update

-We have successfully completed our 6th year of the after school program.  If I'm honest, it was the most difficult year of ministry so far. With a majority of our kids being new to the program and on the young side, it felt like in a lot of ways we were starting at square one.  However, as the year progressed, relationships and trust were able to take root in even the most challenging children. It was very difficult to pray for particular kids but it allowed me to check my own heart and my own expectations for ministry.

-We held our annual Vision Dinner where we invited people within our circles to hear about 2nd Mile's vision for the Brentwood neighborhood, many for the first time.  Although this was our main fundraising event of the year, what I found to be extremely valuable in our efforts to connect people with our ministry was our Come and See tour. Folks that attended the dinner had the opportunity to come to North Pearl Baptist Church (where our programming is) on a Saturday morning and get a ride throughout Brentwood in our big white 15-passenger van.  I could write or tell you about what Brentwood is like but being able to see it up close just puts this Pearl World in perspective.

-Last Saturday, we held our 10th Annual Rummage Sale in order to raise funds for our Summer Day Camp. Many churches and volunteers came out to donate their stuff, help out at the event itself, and even some shopped as well.  This was by far our most efficient year in regards to setting up, organizing, and cleaning up, and we nearly reached what we raised last year.

-We have a new website y'all.  Check it out! 2ndmilejax.com

Maximus Update

-Born at 1 lb 6 oz, Max is now over 7 lbs! His feeding and breathing tubes were in his mouth to begin with, but now they are in his nose (don't worry, they cleaned them) in order that he can start practicing bottle-feeding. He is very wiggly and more expressive in his face. He'll cry one moment, smile in the next, and then yawn and go to sleep.

-He is on a low amount of oxygen, only when he needs a little extra help. If he comes home on oxygen, he is currently on the amount he would be on.

-He has a hernia. He gets surgery Thursday morning so please pray that all goes well on that tiny body.

-His due date was originally June 7th so he is officially a developed 40 week old baby. His homecoming date is and always has been a mystery. It kind of depends on how well Max progresses with his bottle feeding. He takes a full bottle on occasion, yet has times he is asleep or just too tired to suck. There is a chance if he regresses in feedings or doesn't increase at a satisfactory rate, he could get a temporary g-tube for when he comes home (more surgery).

-We've loved to get to love and hold Maximus when we can. I love bonking foreheads with him (gently) and letting him grab at my face. Missi loves seeing how many kisses per second she can give him.

Me Update

-With Max coming home soon, the ministry has allowed me to take paternity leave for the summer. Despite not knowing exactly when he'll be home, I have just this week started this leave in order to prepare for whenever he comes home.  That said, this will be maybe the first time in five years that I won't be a part of summer day camp.  As I always enjoy the excitement on the kids' faces and all that they get to experience and learn, I am truly grateful for this time off in order to practice being a dad.  I know not all places of work have paternity leave, so I realize how extremely lucky/blessed I am.

-Also, this completes my first five years of full time ministry with 2nd Mile.  It just so happens that after five years, staff members are encouraged to take a sabbatical in order to take a step back, pray, meditate, and analyze our place in ministry.  With how God's timing has worked, I plan on taking this sabbatical almost immediately after paternity leave.  I don't plan on becoming a hermit. I still live in this great neighborhood and get to see students who live nearby. I'll occasionally take some kids to the park and just have fun.

Here are a few honest things I'm feeling entering the next few months:

-I sometimes feel guilty in having so much time off from work, especially with paternity leave and sabbatical so close.

-I worry about whether or not I'm fit to be a dad. (I'm sure this is normal for first-time fathers, but still).

-With Max in the hospital, being taken care of by doctors and nurses, I realize that as soon as he comes home that my "me-time" will be diminished. Knowing this, sometimes I selfishly would rather go to the beach, hang out with friends, or just sit at home and do nothing rather than drive to the hospital to see Max. It could be fear of giving those things up or fear of being a good dad.

-In regards to ministry, I sometimes imagine what life would be like if I wasn't in ministry. The comfort seems appealing and I would get less headaches. I haven't really found a niche in ministry, bouncing around from program to program, task to task, sometimes unsure of what exactly God wants for me.

-With a baby coming home, and Missi being off of work, I think a lot about needing to raise more support and sometimes it just seems too difficult to ask people for help.

Please pray that during this time off that I would grow in my knowledge of God, that I would seek him with all I have, that my selfishness, guilt, pride, and fear would be washed cleaned. Pray that all that Max's hernia surgery goes well this week, that he continues to take his feedings in his recovery time, and that the transition home would be smooth.

If you do happen to actually pray, thank you so much. There are times in life where we can feel so weak and frail and alone. He is a good Father who hears your prayers.

Hiding

Alright, get your "Awwwww"s out of the way

I've known my son for less than two months and I can't imagine sending him somewhere on purpose in order to die and save a bunch of people that were evil and full of sin.  How can one love sinful people so much?  As I teach our students about Easter, I was amazed how little they knew.  I thought I would just have to review and fill-in-the-blanks to their already learned knowledge of the holiday.  When asked about what Easter is all about, one kid actually answered, "Bunnies?"

Last week, we made bracelets with five colored beads to signify the gospel story. To make it even easier to remember, I modeled it off of our summer day camp cheers. Green means God loves me. Blue means that all people are sinful. (Most bracelets I've seen use a black bead for sin and a white bead for purification which makes sense but is not a great message to these kids).  Red means that Jesus died for me. Clear means he forgives our sin when we receive him (not a camp cheer). And finally, yellow means that we need Jesus to be our best friend in order to grow.

This past week, we utilized some donated resurrection eggs which are basically a dozen plastic eggs with objects inside that tell part of the Easter story.  The kids hunted for the hidden eggs, we brought them inside to open, and then we unpacked the story.  If I can remember correctly, these were the twelve objects:
A donkey
Silver coins
A wine cup
Praying hands
A leather whip
A crown of thorns
Three nails
A spear
Dice
A linen cloth
A stone
A completely empty egg

I'd say the parts of the story that really had the kids attention were the whip, the thorny crown, the nails, and the spear.  Each detailed description of how those things played a part in Jesus dying really helped the kids understand a little more about Jesus' suffering. The kids felt it unfair that Jesus got crucified when he didn't even do anything wrong. I pray and pray that these kids learn more and more about their own sin and how we need to repent and turn around from it.  So often, they blame their sin on other people (who doesn't?) or justify the wrong they've committed (again, who doesn't?).

I'm thankful for the opportunity to share the gospel story with kids who have never heard it before.  I sometimes wrongfully assume that they've heard this all before at church or at our camp, but they are kids and this is sometimes hard to grasp.  When I wanted to use John 3:16 to help them understand why God had Jesus die for us, Key'Ahrah's eyes lit up and recited it word for word.  "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." This love God has for us might seem crazy to us because we may feel unworthy, but God loves those he has made.

First John 1:7 I memorized in Boy's Club in elementary school.  The words were written on the board and slowly erased to build it in our fresh memories.

Romans 6:23 I memorized, again, in Boy's Club in order to enter the swimming pool at our lock-in at the YMCA.

One morning in college, I woke up super early, walked to Lake Mendota, sat there for a couple hours and memorized Psalm 103 because earlier that week I heard God tell me to open up to that chapter of the Bible without any understanding as to why. (It's a good one.)

Not too many other verses jump out to me as to when, where, and in what circumstances I learned them, but throughout my life, God has been depositing, hiding his word in my heart in various ways, even if those ways were in order for me to fulfill my desire to swim. Since last fall, God put the desire back in me to memorize scripture; however, writing on postcards just didn't seem the way to go for me.  There's a website, scripturetyper.com, that has helped me learn scripture at a very quick pace.  This is more bragging for the website rather than for me, but I've committed 157 verses to memory so far.  It's been amazing the circumstances where I can now bring up passages, combat temptation, claim a promise, hear a command, understand my identity, know of the character of Jesus without the need for a physical Bible.  I believe that in thirty years, I'll look back on the day I started on this website and point to that as when my spiritual life put on the gas and accelerated.

Psalm 119:11 says, "I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you."  This act of hiding the word is something valuable that I've already seen God doing in my life.  I hope you check it out, even for just fifteen minutes, because then you might be hooked. I recall when Jesus was in the desert for 40 days, he probably didn't have scrolls readily available to him, and yet he used scripture to combat those temptations from the devil.  In Matthew 4 when hungry and tempted to turn stones to bread, Jesus quotes Deuteronomy 8:3 saying that man cannot live on bread alone but on every word of God.

I hope that as you read scripture that you occasionally commit it to memory.  I do want to make it clear that memorizing and studying scripture will not on its own bring you closer to the Lord.  It may increase your knowledge of the word but it doesn't guarantee that your heart wants to spend time with Jesus.  When you read, listen.  God may be trying to speak into your life through his word and through the example of Jesus Christ.  Today, on Good Friday, Christ died for us.  Just a few scriptures that come to mind about this:

Romans 5:6-8--"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person--though perhaps--for a good person one would dare even to die. But God shows his love for us that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

John 5:12-13--"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."

1 John 3:16--"By this we know love, that he laid his life down for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers."

I'm excited for Easter, to be able to have conversations with children about Jesus, his love and their sin.  My parents are currently on their way down to Jacksonville and that's also exciting too.  God used them to give me physical life and Jesus gave me spiritual life.  As I look at Maximus, I pray that God would be a strong part of his life and that Jesus would open his heart and create a vacancy there.

Weening

Since Monday, February 13th, Missi has been staying at Baptist Medical Center in hopes that if anything were to happen with the baby in her belly, the right people and protocol could be taken much more quickly than if on bed rest at home.  For those who are pregnancy illiterate (like me a couple months ago), a typical pregnancy is about 40 weeks long.  At the 24-week mark, a baby is called "viable", meaning that if born, the chances of survival increase greatly than if born at 23 weeks.  Missi's water broke at 19 weeks and it's a miracle that the baby didn't die shortly after.  At home on bed rest for weeks, having multiple appointments each week to check on the baby, Missi and I have been giving every moment to God in prayer, knowing that only He was in control and had the power to keep the baby alive.  Every heart beat that was registered on the ultra-sound was a continuously pulsating blessing.

Philippians 4:6-7 says, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  

An amazing byproduct of prayer has been his peace, which has guarded our otherwise anxious and fearful hearts.

Isaiah 26:3 says, "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."

These words have kept us calm even in the frustrating times that we weren't sure what was going on or why this all was happening to us.

February 21st, this past Tuesday night, I got off of work, drove to get some burgers for dinner and bring them to the hospital for us to enjoy.  We had started to get comfortable with our private room with a pull-out couch, refrigerator, and television.  Missi would get visited often throughout each day by nurses to get the baby monitored, to be given water, food, and medicine.  Twice daily, our baby's heart rate got checked for about a half hour, making sure it ebbed and flowed normally.  But something was different about these numbers that night.  The pattern was different this time.  It was on the higher end and was staying too consistent (consistency sounded like a good thing to us but with babies, it's better that they show variation).  So down to the labor and delivery floor we went for the monitor to be continually checked.  Missi's temperature was at 100.0 (100.4 is declared a fever) so there was fear in what this might mean.  The nurses mentioned possibly delivering the baby. "What?" was kind of our thought.  We were just getting settled in to a routine and weren't really expecting the baby for at least a few more weeks, maybe months (I was optimistic [or in denial]).  After sort of dealing with that possibility, we began to pray, knowing that everything has been in his hands and was currently in his hands as well.  Missi's temperature went down to 99.0 and the baby's  heartbeats started to look better, according to the deliver doctor.  There seemed to be hope that after a while we'd go back to the room and continue back to normal, back to comfort.  It was as if God answered our prayers by lowering Missi's temperature, calming the baby's heart rate, and bringing in the head doctor to tell us we should be fine after a little while.  Within another half hour, our doctor, she comes back in and suggests that we deliver the baby at that time rather than later when another heightened heart rate from the baby might complicate things.  So, having already calmed down from the initial scare, I firmly believe that God was weening us off of our own understanding and comfort and helping us adjust our hearts to his will, which was at that point to have the baby.

After confirmation that the baby was coming

Missi had to have a C-section because we were at about 25 weeks.  She got some anesthesia to numb her up, but her shoulders and up were awake.  I was able to come in and sit with her top half while the room had like six or seven people (felt like twenty) doing their part to make the birth a success.  There was a sheet creating a wall to block our view from all the cuts and blood and stuff that you can't unsee.  They played Missi's request of music in the background which was Hezekiah Walker (at one point his lyrics mentioned God as our deliverer and I couldn't help but internally giggle at the pun).  The whole surgery seemed quick, only like 30 minutes or so.  They pulled him out (yes, him. We were convinced for days that he was a she) at 1:31am, Wednesday morning, February 22nd, showed him to us for about two seconds, I snapped a very timely picture, then they rushed him off to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) to get him hooked up to a respirator as well as other things that I'm still slowly learning the purpose of.

About an hour later, while Missi was in recovery, I got the chance to meet our boy for the first time without mommy-supervision.  He was so tiny.  His eyes looked fused shut.  His belly went in and out.  His ribs looked so fragile.  This being was alive.  I checked and yes, he has ten toes and ten fingers.  Every wire, bandage, monitor, piece of clothing, incubator setting had its purpose and was almost so overwhelming that I didn't have to understanding what everything did or if things were working.  He is alive and that's the most important thing right now.  From head to toe, he was about 12.2 inches but when he's in his position, he's about as long as it is from my thumb to my pinky if stretched out wide.  He was 1 lb. 6 oz. when born.  Who knew that a baby that small could make it?  The NICU nurses asked me what his name was.  Because that night's events were a surprise, and only having picked a girl's name, I gave her no answer.  It was only a few hours later that Missi and I agreed on the name Maximus (Max for short) Von (meaning hope) Vollmer.  We liked the name Max, weren't feeling the elongated name Maxwell, and then were excited to discover the name Maximus.  With thoughts of Gladiator, this name sounded strong, hoping that he would continue to fight every day for growth and life, showing off his life and telling onlookers "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!"  We had named this baby Hope while in the womb, and that sort of went out the window when we discovered it was a boy.  Von sounded the most normal boy name that means hope, and it rhymes with my middle name (John) so in my mind, the name seemed to flow.

I took pictures, showed them to Missi.  Anxious to regain feeling in her legs and the ability to get on a wheel chair, she was able to see her oven bun about eight hours after delivery.  I'm grateful that I captured this moment of her seeing him for the first time.  Missi did amazing.  Her faith in God has been so beautiful these past few weeks.  Praying to the only lifeline worth holding, we are so thankful to God for all that he is.  Thank you for your prayers and encouragement throughout this process.  The transition from working to bed rest at home, from bed rest at home to bed rest at the hospital, from bed rest at the hospital to delivery, God has been helping in every change of setting and circumstance.  We know that we won't be in our current circumstances forever, yet we know in faith and now in experience that God is in those transitions as much as those circumstances.  Pray that the transition home and away from the baby goes smoothly as well.

As for right now, the baby is doing well.  It's the nature of the NICU that babies have good days and bad days.  On good days, he is weened off of certain things.  On bad days, he is put on certain things.  The progress is slow, but it is progress.  He will most likely have to stay at the hospital until our original due date, June 7th (give or take a day).  I'm reminded of the times when I'm teaching a new concept in math to a student, like fractions.  I gauge how much they understand, maybe I do one of their problems for them and slowly teach each step until they can finally do it on their own.  Same with the baby.  If he can't handle breathing on his own, he needs a little more help until he can finally do it on his own (he can't right now by the way).  The nurses call our little guy feisty, moving his arms and legs.  He's already had to be (gently) restrained.  Praise God for all he has been doing.  It's amazing how he created life.  It's overwhelming to think about how exactly he does it, but I don't understand it, so I can just rest and not worry.

Special Guest

Well hello there! This is Missi, Andrew's wife, and I will be making a guest appearance today. I am not much of a blogger so bear with me. I know Andrew typically talks about 2nd Mile Ministries and his current life events. As he mentioned in a previous blog, we had some difficulties in pregnancy this year. We have two little ones in Heaven and one on the way here. This little one, Hope, as we call it, is a modest baby, partially because at 23 weeks we still don't know the gender. It likes to cross its legs during the ultrasounds. Yes, I know Hope is typically a girl's name but at the beginning of this pregnancy, we decided no matter what happened our hope would be in Jesus. We were so blessed and joyful that we made it past the dreaded 11 week mark.

Unfortunately, four weeks ago, my water broke (21 weeks early) but were blessed that I did not go into labor right away. Until 24 weeks the survival rate is below 30% and if it came now.  Baby Hope has been a fighter, constantly reminding me of God's glory. We need your help. Obviously, God is in control and so we desperately need your prayers. Whatever the Lord has planned for us, we will glorify Him.

He has blessed us with time and wonderful friends and family who have been incredibly selfless towards us during this experience. Words cannot express how truly grateful I am for the wonderful people in our lives. They have served us constantly and showered us with love. I am amazed at the incredible people God has put in our lives.

Every time that I feel like giving up, the Lord reminds me of His greatness--either through time with Him or encouragement from a loved one. This experience, while difficult, has definitely led to precious time with the Lord. Each day, He has reminded me of His goodness and all of the blessings he has given me. He has definitely slowed down my life and shown me how I need to appreciate every day we get with Baby Hope.

Monday, we (I) go into the hospital so the doctors can do more preventative care. I am thankful for all they will do but it will not be easy for me to transition from the comfort of my home and precious time with Andrew to an unfamiliar place in which I do not know what to expect. I do not do well with change and have issues with anxiety. I would love for God to let me know ahead of time what to expect but that's not how He works. So, I pray that I lean firmly on His will and not give into fear.

Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Thank you for reading this!
I will be praying for you as well.