I'm back in Wisconsin for Christmas break and it is wonderful. When I pulled up to my parents' house, there were tiny areas where snow remained. It's chilly. Some lakes are frozen with a light dusting of snow on them. Footprints are visible. Christmas lights on many windows and trees. Being in Wisconsin for Christmas just feels so right. The last couple days have gone by so quickly, but I will never forget them. I got to visit college friends and it was amazing how much my heart was hit with so many memories. All these friends took part in helping me grow as a Christian, a man, a brother, and a friend. As I reunited with each friend, God filled me with more and more joy and love. Memories came flooding in of how these friends played a part in my life and how we both experienced things God was doing together. How can I put words to this feeling? Can I even? I only had just enough time to catch up on life, very little time to build on our friendships. I was telling one of my former roommates how it felt like I was walking through Madison as an invisible onlooker, revisiting people and places from my past that were no more. The chill of the air in combination with this feeling of ghostlikeness made me think of death. My experiences there, in college, in Madison all died, but I myself am not dead. Life is now where I am building relationships. When I'm in Jacksonville around the community I'm a part of, I'm alive. New experiences are being created. Only time can tell if they will become powerful memories or a forgotten meaninglessness. Being on a break from ministry, from Jacksonville feels like an out-of-body experience. I am physically in Wisconsin. I can see, feel, touch, hear (and smell) people and places where I grew up. I feel like I got up from a movie for a half hour, only to return to a confusing plot, set of characters and changes, wondering what the heck happened while I was gone. My parents moved so I can't go back to the home I was raised in. Many close friends moved away so the friends I visited in Madison moved up the list priority. This break is feeling very restful, almost too restful.
These are all kind of random thought so I apologize that there's really no real direction or specific intent for this blog.
I've experienced and learned so much already in Jacksonville these past four months that have pushed me to see more of God's heart and less of my own. If you ask me how things have been going in Jacksonville, forgive me if I don't tell you everything. Many things go directly against how I believed life should be when I was only a few years younger. Living in a different culture from the one I grew up in has forced me to question much of what I believed to be the "correct way" to live. Forgive me, if at some point of updating you on what I'm doing, that I ask you questions I've had to ask myself about life. Forgive me if these questions come across as judgmental or critical, I only intend to open your eyes a little wider, pop your comfortable life bubble, and rip to shreds the box you may be putting an all-powerful and all-knowing God into. I will refrain from asking these questions on this blog. If you have the courage, humility, and curiosity, if you are open to listening to these questions (lovingly intended for encouragement and growth through love), I'd be very willing to ask, in fact, that's something that I've been yearning for since being back home. I'd love to pour into you and likewise, would love it if you were even critical with me on things that I'm weak in. Reading "Respectable Sins" by Jerry Bridges is showing me that there are many sins that I have that I don't even realize or address and they could be polluting my relationships with people without my knowing. Why are we resistant to criticism? And likewise, why are we so proudfully critical of others?
As soon as there is an understanding among all people that we all are sinful human beings (believers in Christ's punishment for us and non-believers in Christ's punishment for us), we can move forward in relationships, encourage one another in personal struggles, welcome feedback on how people experience you, take those things to God, ask Him to help reveal the hidden things about you that prevent a loving relationship from happening with another, but more importantly, ask Him to reveal to you the seriousness of your sin. You will never be perfect. Even if God reveals every hidden weakness to you, your sinful nature will cause you to continue to fail under your own strength and effort (or lack there of). I've said it before; only Jesus Christ has the ability to die in your place (because you and I do deserve to die) because he is perfect. A Christmas present may have your name on it, but it is not yours until you choose to take it. God has already unwrapped the gift to you to show you what it is. He has already purchased the gift with a currency of blood. Will you take it or return it? The countdown clock to your death is ticking.
Requests:
-This is hard for me to ask and maybe equally difficult to answer. How do you experience me? What about me gets on your nerves? Any sin you can call me out on? If there is something, past or present, please tell me. It may end up changing my life. It may be something I've never known before.
-Although I'm on a break from Jacksonville, please pray that the Lord would be faithful in growing me and preparing me for the rest of the school year. I don't want to be on break from God. Have you talked to Him today? I know He'd love to hear that voice He gave you.
-Please pray for Emery, Diallo, Alex, Charity, Chassidy, Rayshantia, and Challah over break. They are out of school, not in our program, with so many possible negative influences that can undo much of what God has done. Pray God would protect them and bring them back to the program starving for God's love (heck, include me in that prayer too).
I've been blessed to hear from those who have told me they are encouraged by reading this blog. Many times I feel I don't deserve such grace. Praise be to God for that encouragement. Thank you and have a blessed Christmas.
p.s. I wasn't kidding about request number one. lilvollmer@gmail.com
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