Season of Hope

This word hope has been entering our lives more often than it ever has in our lives.  I recognized it most recently in the conclusion of the Rogue One Star Wars movie.  It showed up in a memory verse simulator app I'm working on for Romans 15:13 which says, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."  When looking to the future, depending on our outlook, we can either have hope or feel hopeless.

The four weeks leading up to Christmas, my wife and I decided to celebrate Advent, going through a daily devotional in anticipation of the day that Jesus was born.  It occurs to me that anticipating something that has already happened is a strange concept, but getting a little taste of the anticipation that many people back in those days had towards their coming King was a beautiful experience.  We lit four candles--first week, one, second week, two, and so on--representing God's promises, His peace, His love, and finally hope.  The importance and significance of Christmas was compounded in doing this for four weeks straight as opposed to one day or one church service on Christmas Eve.  I vaguely recall lighting these long purple and pink candles as a kid.  The light is most beautiful in a dark room, which reminds me of Jesus declaring himself as the light of the world, who came to light up the darkness.  We, too, as Christians are to "in the same way, let our lights shine before others so that they may see our good works and give glory to our Father who is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16).

November of 2015, Missi and I were surprised and blessed with the news of pregnancy.  The thought of having a baby was part of the plan...eventually, but we weren't really sure how we felt.  Us parents? A couple months later, after feeling more okay with the thought of becoming parents, we lost the baby.  We were extremely hurt by the loss and amazingly friends and family provided support and words of encouragement and experience that softened the blow of loss.  Fast forward to April-ish, pregnant again.  We apologize if this was news to you, we were much more cautious with how quickly we shared the news with people, probably due to the fear of another loss.  I recall in myself being much slower to want to connect with this baby.  I didn't want to get hurt again.  Second miscarriage. It happened almost too quickly.  Thankfully we took the loss easier than the first, but I wish I would've meditated on parenthood and trusted God more with the pregnancy.  Not that we would've followed through with these names at birth, but the first two babies we named Monster (it was very painful for Missi) and Blessing (getting another opportunity for a baby).  The two losses were hard but we got to experience the joy of our close friends having their baby this past May.  Fast forward to today, Missi is pregnant once again and this time she has made it into the second trimester.  Hope is doing well, healthy, and further along than both babies were.  We've been much more willing to trust in the Lord for His control over the pregnancy, much more willing to connect with the baby even if it means future loss, and much more hopeful of his/her birth in June 2017, thanks all to the Lord.

More instances of hope in our lives, our sister-in-law made us an ornament with the word Hope on it, unaware that that was the name we chose for this pregnancy.  Visiting my in-laws for Christmas last week, I found a beanie baby (remember those?) of a bear kneeling down in prayer.  "Cute," I thought. Then I looked at the given name inside the ty tag.  "Hope!" my inner voice shouted.  Not sure if my in-laws are aware, but we took that beanie baby with us for when the baby is born.  Hope that was okay. Love you!

I live in a neighborhood where it can become the normal to have little to no hope.  Bills need to be paid, yet questions as to how they'll be paid become routine.  Not an unfamiliar sight, ripped up lottery tickets.  If two guys buy lottery tickets, one is hopeful in winning and the other isn't, yet they both have losing numbers, did the hopeful person lose anything in losing?  These are the questions that are difficult to answer.

Serving food at our Christmas party

This year of ministry has been extremely difficult.  You never know when a kid will throw a fit, throw a fist, or throw markers. There always seems to be at least one meltdown each day, if not five.  Many of the kids are new with us, many are on the younger side, and it can be easy to go home at the end of the day hopeless to seeing any positive progress. Sometimes I feel I see more negative growth than positive.  However, at our Christmas party before Christmas break, we invited the kids and their families to celebrate the holiday with dinner and some donated gifts.  Unprompted, several of the kids wanted to help serve their families the dinner.  It started with one volunteer and ended up being six or seven kids following suit, happily, willingly helping out.  Am I blind to when these things happen throughout the school year, only fixating on what's wrong or was I witnessing a moment of hope for these kids.  I feel that hope gets a lot of help when there are signs to that thing hope for coming true.  I feel these are some of God's quiet assurances that He is in control, watching over the entire situation.

Al'Savion building a gingerbread house

Please pray for baby Hope's growth and development.  Pray for these kids that are deeply loved by Jesus Christ, enough to die for them.  I hope you've had a wonderful Christmas season.  Continue to celebrate Jesus, not just Christmas and Easter.  He wants us to be a light to others so that they may give Him glory.  

I pledge allegiance to God

Think of a time when you have wronged someone.  Take one minute and actually think of that time.

If you're like me, it might take you a while to actually pull up a memory of us doing something wrong to another.  Or maybe you were quick to think of something, but refrain from going through the details of that circumstance.  Either we can quickly justify our actions, or maybe we blame someone else, or maybe we try to forget and erase those things from our long term recollections because it's too difficult to remind ourselves just how messed up we can be.  As I've been repeatedly reminded in my counseling classes this semester, it is so much easier to point out other people's faults than our own, and yet the Bible teaches us to first get the plank out of our own eyes before we can get the speck of dust out of our brother's.  As I talked about in the previous blog entry, we choose which burdens (our own or other's) in life we want to carry.  It is much easier to turn your face away from someone else's suffering than to engage it, help carry it, and help try to bring someone out of a struggle or painful circumstance.

Think of a time when America has wronged a particular group of people.  Again, take a minute to think of that people group.

If you're familiar with what I do for a living, you may already be anticipating where I'm going with this blog.  There are probably many more examples, but the two that dominate the front of my mind our Native Americans and African Americans.  We don't talk much about Native American rights these days, mainly because, well, we've taken most of their land and much of their way of life.  We don't listen to those voices anymore.  Secondly, African Americans have been "wronged", to put it lightly, and continue to be wronged to this day, yet many can live unaffected by the day-to-day struggle and confusion of the predicament that many black people find themselves in.  "But Andrew, I wasn't part of the Native American genocide.  And I'm always nice to black people whenever I see them.  They are just another person to me.  I don't see race."  Although you may not be directly involved with causing the suffering of certain people groups in this country, our turning-our-faces-away has perpetuated and legitimized the unjust systems many have to live with.

If you have Netflix, please watch 13th.  I watched this documentary about the 13th Amendment and my heart broke.  Growing up, I learned about Martin Luther King Jr., Harriet Tubman, Malcolm X, some of the Civil Rights Movement, feeling like racism and hatred was from way in the past.  Now 28, I'm amazed this movement was only like 50 years ago.  I just assumed things were better for black people now.  Where this may be true for some, it is not the case for most.  This documentary was difficult to watch but I couldn't turn my face away.  Given the chance to hear someone's entire story of suffering uninterrupted by my assumptions and comments, I had to watch.  Living in a neighborhood with mostly black people, I feel the weight of this history in their families, their schools, their streets. 

As a staff at 2nd Mile, we started watching this documentary.  We watched the first half last week.  Having white and black coworkers made the experience so much sweeter, harder, stronger.  Our boss (black) broke down in tears when describing his heart for the African American male.  Our high school director (black) broke down in tears when sharing about his murdered friend and how this friend can't meet his white church's definition of a real man because this friend has never seen one.

Colin Kaepernick.  Chances are if you know who he is, you have an opinion on this guy.  Those against him talk of the disrespectful stance towards the flag, America, those who died for this country.  This view, like any conflict with anyone ever, involves a perspective that has nothing to do with his reasons for kneeling during the anthem.  Do you know his reasons for kneeling?  If you do, did you hear these reasons from him or another source?  More importantly, if you talk about these things (with words from our mouths not words put online), who do you talk to about these things?  People that will agree with you?  People that won't object or are too scared to offer their opinion to you?  If interested, here's Kaepernick's Press Conference.

In America, people today have to deal with the evil and sinful decisions of people who lived hundreds of years ago.  The ripple effects of that evil are rampant in areas like where I live.  Nobody wants to take ownership of these evils because it's easy to deflect.  The reason Black Lives Matter and phrases like police brutality and white privilege are in conversations today are not just trying to have something to argue about.  People are dying!  People are struggling to survive every day!  And obviously it's not just black people.  But black people have a unique American history, one of great suffering that we choose to turn our faces from and ignore.

So what do we do?  How can such a big problem like this be rectified?  Let's first diagnose a smaller conflict.  If I say hurtful words to my wife and have wronged her, how do I rectify that situation?  I own my wrong and I apologize.  I do what I can to right the wrong and ask, sometimes beg, for forgiveness.  Does this process translate to big things such as genocide, racism, slavery, etc.?  I believe so.  Often before I apologize to my wife, there's is a conversation where her feelings trump mine.  As Kaepernick states, there needs to be a conversation, an understanding as to what has happened.  There needs to be a collective of white people taking ownership (however relevant).  There needs to be an extension of love, actual equality, and above all else a big huge and truly HUMBLE apology, seeking forgiveness.  One of white America's biggest corporate sins is pride and selfishness.  How does an entire majority of a country collectively make this apology?  That seems insane.  Well, I believe nothing short of a Great Awakening can accomplish this.  As I need to get right with my wife, I also need to get right with God, who I have ultimately offended by my sin.

The way these elections are shaping up, it can be easy to feel hopeless, like we are getting further away from God, from any sort of reconciliation between white and black.  Often times in the Bible, Israel would go further and further from God before coming back to him.  This country, although in pretty bad shape, is hopefully closer to humility, closer to realizing how far we've turned away from God, and how little we have taken God seriously, even us proclaiming to be Christians and lovers of the things of God (justice and mercy).

I encourage you to be humble when in conflict, quick to apologize and own your wrongdoing despite how right and justified you feel.  Lastly, please watch 13th if you can.  It is powerful and humbling.  Let me know your thoughts if you do.  We can have a conversation about it!

Whoever has ears, let them hear

So much has been going on in my life and in the life of 2nd Mile Ministries.  I've never been one to participate in discussions of any kind of importance.  I've never mastered the back-and-forth of a conversation.  As we are surrounded by media, agendas, issues, and just general darkness, it has been difficult for me to make sense of it, like I'm navigating through thicker and thicker fog.  I think human nature is to only carry the burdens that you want to carry.  You may hurt for an individual going through a struggle, but then you hear about a big catastrophe and sometimes it's easier to be thankful it wasn't you and just move on.  As Olympians are caught doping, politicians abandon integrity, and people respond to their fears with aggression, waiting for the next scandal, offensive words, or incredibly tragic news story builds up the muscle memory of our hearts to care less and less, wince less frequently, and get frustrated at our inability to change.

With very little experiential hope of a complete transformation of the world, a great awakening, if you will, I can take comfort knowing and seeing transformation happen on a small scale in the Brentwood neighborhood.  I am more and more convinced of this the longer I'm in ministry, but the love of Jesus is the answer.  I would say that love in general is the answer, but the kind of love that Jesus has given us, the kind that always flows and never runs out, always gives and never takes, and always considers the other rather than the self is the only kind that can bring true redemption, reconciliation, recovery, and real growth.

Challenge Circle with Darien (boy on right) leading his team in cheers

Pretty much the entire month of July, we held our 8th Annual Summer Day Camp.  I led the Sports and Education stations this year, while heading up Challenge Circle many days as well.  Many of the kids were brand new to 2nd Mile and it has led to some very cool connections.  There were also some students that have been with us for over five years.  The bond that we've had with them has grown more and more.  Outside of immediate family, people that will probably have the most influence on a kid will be their teachers (who many only have for one year of their life), a coach (who may coach them a few years), or a mentor/tutor type of person.  I've had the privilege of seeing firsthand how relationships grow, how God makes each individual unique with gifts and passions, and how trust is mutually developed over a longer period of time.  When a kid knows you are there for them year after year, a transformation begins to happen.  They become more and more like the people who show up for them.  That's why it's so important for Christians (whether a newborn in the faith or a mature one) to remain in Christ, so we are more like him and see just how trust-worthy he is.

Water Day, a must at camp in Florida

The mission is not just for missionaries.  The mission is to make Christ known, who he is and what he has done, and what that means for sinners like us.  You can create stricter and more detailed laws, you can have an open dialogue across racial lines, you can throw money at any kind of problem, but where true growth happens, it's gotta be out of the love that was so freely given to us.  Pride is like headphones in a conversation.  I'm right and anything you say that slightly contradicts me, I'm ready with my defense, my blame-shifting, my justification.  Sometimes the best way to love someone is just to listen.  Every person has a story.  Every person has a song.  They may have nobody around them to hear them sing it.  As the years go by, my song includes the melodies and chord progressions of the songs I witness here.  As I write my blogs and sing my song, know that it includes some of what I'm seeing here.  In a place where people are forgotten, ignored, or dismissed as not good enough, I hope to get this song stuck in your head.  I pray you have the opportunity and courage to listen to those who may not have a loud voice yet their song is powerful, to those whose song clashes with yours challenging its overarching truth, and to those who aren't getting your song in their head.

Already into week 2 of the school year, we hope to enjoy this process of relationship-building again as we have ten new students (and very young I might add) with little-to-no relationship with us thus far.  Continue to pray for our high school program as it's only a couple months old and already bearing fruit.  Pray for the director's continued leadership and endurance in pouring his life into the next generation of local leadership.  Despite being a huge task, pray for the world, pray for the governing leaders (1 Tim. 2), pray for justice, pray for direction in your own life and how to advocate for those things that God has instructed and even commanded you to do.  Much love.  Check out more camp pictures on our facebook page.  (2nd Mile Ministries)

They sing their song...

...and I'm loving it.

Under Construction

 I left church yesterday dwelling on this short phrase that the pastor ended his sermon with.  In exciting anticipation of the day that he'll see Jesus and become like him, pastor H.B. Charles said that he may not look like much now, but one day he will look like what, or I should say who, he sees--Jesus Christ.  He said that he was just "temporarily under construction."  Ephesians 6:17 talks of the helmet of salvation.  First Thessalonians 5:8 says to put on the hope of salvation as a helmet.  It is important to protect our minds and have confidence of our salvation.  This assurance keeps us from living in "doubt, distraction, or discouragement" (-H.B.).  God makes us righteous when we put our trust in Him, and He continues to make us righteous until we see Him.

Coincidentally, yesterday I also completed C.S. Lewis's book The Screwtape Letters.  For those unfamiliar, this book is a fictional compilation of letters written from a demon named Screwtape to his demon nephew Wormwood, giving advice on how to manipulate and steer his human subject away from the Enemy (God).  Each letter displays the intricate aspects of human weakness and tendencies to backslide away from the Lord.  The last letter in the book beautifully describes the moment when the human subject died in the war and finally understood Wormwood's dealings with him when he was alive.  Screwtape writes to his nephew, "You have let a soul slip through your fingers.  The howl of sharpened famine for that loss re-echoes at this moment through all the levels of the Kingdom of Noise down to the very Throne itself.  It makes me mad to think of it.  How well I know what happened at the instant when they snatched him from you!  There was a sudden clearing of his eyes (was there not?) as he saw you for the first time, and recognised the part you had had in him and knew that you had it no longer.  Just think (and let it be the beginning of your agony) what he felt at that moment; as if a scab had fallen from an old sore, as if he were emerging from a hideous, shell-like tetter, as if he shuffled off for good and all a defiled, wet, clinging garment.  By Hell, it is misery enough to see them in their mortal days taking off dirtied and uncomfortable clothes and splashing in hot water and giving little grunts of pleasure--stretching their eased limbs.  What, then, of this final stripping, this complete cleansing?"  I wonder what it would be like to experience the complete absence of sin, to understand entirely what God has done for us in our lives and how little we really understood of it on earth.  As of right now, I am currently learning more and more of what it means to be a Christian, walking more than talking.  I still have many ways to improve, but God is my construction worker.

With the start of our high school program this summer, it adds to 2nd Mile's leadership pathway which started with elementary school students, then the Connect Middle School Program was added, and now high school.  The end of the school year was last Friday and I want to take a little time sharing about our six 5th graders moving on to middle school.  This is the fifth year of the two:fiftytwo After School Program and this is the most 5th graders we've ever had in one year of the program.

Ferrell and Mekhi

I've known Ferrell and Mekhi for a long time.  They started in our program when they were in 2nd grade, so for four years they've grown in wisdom, in stature, and in favor with God and man.  I met Ferrell when he was five years old back at summer camp in 2010.  He has a great sense of humor and is very personable with everyone.  He loves football and science, and we bond over some Dude Perfect videos.  It's been fun hanging out with him at the park and even at my house over the years.  We have an agreement that when he gets his driver's license, he'll take me wherever I want to go.  Pretty sweet deal!  He won our Leadership Award at the end of the year and we are excited to see how God shapes his future.  As his grandmother says, "He'll be with y'all forever," and so far that statement is true.  I've never seen a friendship tighter than the one Ferrell and Mekhi have.  Even since 2nd grade, they were great friends despite going to different schools and only meeting at our program.  Mekhi used to be very fidgety and sad/angry at times, but I've seen him grow socially, a lot credited to Ferrell.  He has a very creative mind and works well with his hands.  He got our engineering award and I don't know anyone who knows how to make more kinds of paper airplanes than he can.

Christian

I've only known Christian for the past two years, but his close friendship to Ferrell and Mekhi makes it feel like we've known him for much longer.  Christian also has a great sense of humor and is always willing to help out.  His serving heart isn't without its own purposes as he often tries to find ways to get the things he wants, like food, school supplies, etc.  We think he could be a business owner someday as he is very creative in the ways he helps and makes others happy in order that he himself is helped out.  We hope to spend as much time as we can with him since there's a possibility of moving in his future.

For the 5th grade girls, we have Breana, Caydince, and Myesha.  This was Breana's first year in our after school program, but we knew her from summer day camp so she had some familiarity with 2nd Mile Ministries.  She was the female recipient of our Leadership Award and has demonstrated this leadership by getting other girls excited to start a dance team during our rec time, and by creating box houses and eventually an entire cardboard neighborhood in one section of our facilities.  I feel the least worried about her transition to middle school as I feel she will do great.

Breana and Caydince making/eating sushi

This was Caydince's second year with us.  She and her brother Caden, also in the program, live right next door to the church that our program is held.  She will just as quickly toss a football around as she would do cartwheels and splits and handstands and other gymnastics.  Like Christian, I never really see anyone have a problem with her.  She is a joy to be around.

Myesha

And lastly, Myesha's story is amazing.  She seems to always be smiling and is friendly to everyone, no matter who it is.  I first met Myesha when she joined our program when she was in 3rd grade.  After leaving the program for a year, she came back to us in her 5th grade year.  She has a beautiful voice and has taken piano lessons all year.  What's amazing to me about her story is her ability to be so joyful yet be going through lots of, we'll just say, "stuff" in her family.

As some of these kids either move, or go away for the summer, please pray that they would have people who love them in their lives, pouring into them.  We hope that they are able to continue into Connect (middle school) with us and continue to discover who God is and who they are growing up to become.  God already knows what the final product of these kids will be.  Please pray. Please.

Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome

Back in the fall, I completed a book called To Be a Slave by Julius Lester.  It's a nonfiction collection of personal accounts of what slavery was like at the time, through the eyes of slaves.  It is labeled a children's book, but the content is very descriptive and at times graphic.  Since what slavery entailed was different depending on where you were, there are various descriptions of all the types of conditions people went through, from bad to worse.  The book starts out with the horrors of abduction in Africa.  It continued on to the slave trade and separation of families.  Next, the horrible working conditions on the plantations.

While reading this book, it showed me a point of view that I never learned in school.  I may have been told about the bad conditions of slavery, but never in this much detail or from the mouth of a slave.  It was raw and made me think about how powerful and evil power and evil can be.

When we sin, it is quite natural to want to sweep it under the rug and forget that we did anything wrong.  A kid might try to glue a broken vase back together as to not get in trouble.  Also when we sin, it is almost automatic to either blame someone else, justify our wrong-doing, or escape from condemnation.  There's a video I'm including in this blog that I watched just at the start of the new year.  It's a lecture by Dr. Joy de Gruy Leary about the conditions of slavery, and the effects afterwards.  There was a lot of "sweeping under the rug" and it makes me think about the United States today.

I ask that you please watch this.  That fictional TV show can wait.  There will be another sporting event.  I know some of you may have a legitimate excuse to not watch this.  You may start the video and within five minutes you may have assumptions or judgments about what is being said.  I ask that you ask yourself, "What is my reaction to this video?  Is it anger, confusion, disbelief, dismissal?  Why do I feel this way?"  To move on with your life after this video without engaging what you think about these issues, unfortunately, reveals what I believe to be the response of many people today when thinking about modern-day racism, class issues, and stereotypes.  These issues are so much more prevalent in my life now that I'm aware of it and living where I live.  Please take the time.  I'd love to engage in some conversation about it too if you'd like.

Growing

2nd Mile Ministries has been going through changes the past few months.  First off, we've got a new Executive Director.  He and his wife and four kids have been very present in many of the ministry's gatherings and events.  They are already beginning to feel like family.  Secondly, we've just hired a high school director!  Five years ago, the idea to build an after school program was put into play and now some of those original two:fiftytwo After School Program students will be heading into high school at the end of this school year.  The Connect Middle School Program has been growing and getting much more consistent and well-structured.  I'm not exactly sure what the high school program will entail.  It is still in the planning stages.  I'm sure leadership development will be a big part of it, as many of the students in this neighborhood can't see life after high school having anything good for them.  We are starting to name this growing process for the kids The Leadership Pathway in hopes that our developing relationships with 2nd graders will continue to grow all the way through their teenage years.  Looking back on when some of these kids were just starting out with 2nd Mile, I'm encouraged by the growth God has allowed us to see.  Whether fast or slow, big or small, the growth is there.

Hannah Montana is a good read

When God broke my heart for these kids, he gave me a vision of where they'd be in twenty-plus years.  I cried at the thought of that.  God knows where they'll be and he allowed me to taste some of that.  As I get older and my muscles get more easily sore, I'm energized by the kids' energy and excitement.  The longer I spend with them and speak into their tough moments, the stronger bond I feel.  I genuinely love these kids and hurt when things happen to them beyond their control.  

We recently had Field Day, my favorite days of the school year.  The kids spend time outside throwing footballs, bouncing basketballs, running, jumping rope, and doing long jumps.  Why I love this day so much is because for the past three years, I've kept statistics.  I really enjoy keeping track of numbers and what trends and stories they tell.  (This probably began with my basketball card collecting days.)  I remember keeping stats of my elementary and middle school games.  I would even watch the NBA All-Star game and keep track of the players' point totals, even when I knew they'd be printed in the paper the next morning.  Why I love field day is because it shows a measureable amount of growth that we might not otherwise see.  I'm sure many of you have experienced or seen people measure how tall their kids grow each year.  We don't see the growth until we measure it with a ruler.  Although I get enjoyment out of seeing who the faster kid ever at two:fiftytwo was, I get more excited when I see the kids doing better year after year.  We do field day once in the fall and once in the spring.  I think it's a cool idea to think about 2nd Mile Ministries in a historical way as well as spiritual.  Ten years from now, maybe Mekhi's 11ft 3in long jump record will still be standing, and he can look back with fond memories of field day.  Maybe no one will ever run faster from one pole to the other than Jovan did in 5.08 seconds.  I hope that 2nd Mile Ministries won't just be a place some kids went after school to stay safe.  I hope it's a place where their lives are touched and loved by God and they can point to that love as a great part of their life.  Lastly, I hope that whatever positive effect this ministry has on these kids, they can reinvest to the next groups of youngens with their own influence and positivity.

Few things to note:

Lizards are everywhere in Jacksonville

Jake and Dani (After School Program Director) got married!

My nephew Lucas came to visit me
for a week.  It was awesome!

Prayer requests:

-Missi and I have been trying to buy a house and the process is taking much longer than what was originally said.  Pray for patience, but also that things move forward in this process.

-Back in January, Missi and I experienced a miscarriage.  God has provided us with comfort and encouragement from people.  Pray for us, and especially Missi, as her heart can still break at times in remembrance.

-Neek's transition to high school director.  Pray for wisdom and innovation and leadership as he plans the program.

Helping Relationships

It seems that every new year, I still manage to write down the wrong date once in awhile.  It's 2016, not 2015.  Although the experiences of the past now fade, their memories strive to revive truths about the world we live in.  It feels like yesterday I was in college.  But it's been six years!  As I recall favorite memories with some of the kids here, I realize that the frequency and depth of those experiences weigh much more heavily on their young lives.  I've known some of them for almost five years and they grow up right in front of my eyes.  I cannot emphasize enough how a simple encouraging word or moment of grace can bring light into a life.  Following through on a thought to call someone or pray for them is something that the devil loves to rob me of or distract me from.  That TV show isn't more important, or that football game, or that sense of laziness and comfort.

In continuing my counseling education, this semester I'm taking one class called Helping Relationships.  So far, I have been challenged to focus on other people before myself as well as convicted of my own tendencies to shy away from any real conversations, any real talk.  Many of my friendships are based on common secular interests (sports, music, news), but rarely on how we both are experiencing life and how we can be pointing each other towards Christ.  God has been using these classes to reveal parts of my heart that are dark and guarded heavily from letting God take over.  One in particular includes my fear of man.  I'm often way too concerned about what others think of me.  I can simultaneously wallow in both self-pity as well as pride.  There are even times when I want people to see my efforts in trying not to care about what people think of me.  

This morning I read Matthew 6.  If you have time, read it.  I'm a slow reader and it took me like ten minutes.  Jesus expounds on the theme of the hypocritical man who does things so that others may see.  They give to the needy in streets so that they may be praised by others. (6:2).  They pray on street corners that they may be seen by others. (6:5).  They disfigure their faces when they fast so their fasting may be seen by others. (6:16).  God knows the depth of our hearts and can see through our actions to know our true motives.  Are we living for ourselves or for him?  If you asked me whether or not I love people, my first thought is, absolutely I do, but when I think about my interactions, I seem to be less concerned about what's actually going on in their life and more concerned about not saying anything stupid or awkward.

I know there's grace for me and I need not spend any more time wallowing.  Please pray that my life would more and more reflect that of Christ's.  He loved in grace and in truth.  Every time I open my mouth is an opportunity to love, encourage, and reveal the truth of the gospel to someone.  I don't want to blindly walk through life unaffected by the death and resurrection of Jesus.  I'm here for but a minute and then I'll be swept away to eternity.

Ferrell, Agel, Christian (in red), and Mekhi taking a water break

December in Jacksonville showed some great weather for us (sorry).  We had another Boy's Day where we went to the Andrew Jackson High School track and played some flag football.  At our after school program, the boys often play football and have to play two-hand touch because of the cement ground.  It was fun to see them enjoy a little more freedom to jump, dive, bump, and hit on some "soft" grass.  These are the days the boys have told me they love the best, days away from the program, somewhere they don't usually get to go.  This shared experience only adds building blocks to their already strong friendships.

This past school year, I've been absent from most of the fun Friday activities in order to focus on school work.  However, last Thursday substituted as the day for a fun activity due to no school that Friday.  I got to lead in one of my favorite activities, cup stacking.  Three teams tried to build for height and durability.  Midway through the building process, I snuck around the room with a nerf gun and attempted to knock them down.  Aware of this, teams enrolled one or two teammates to guard their structures from destruction.  It was a very fun experience.  Kids got excited and into it as I tried to surprise them by hiding behind corners and curtains.  The times that I most cherish in ministry are those shared fun experiences that I can then share with the kids in future years.  "Remember when we played flag football?" or "Remember when we stacked cups up to the ceiling?"  It is my prayer that as these kids get older, what they reminisce about will include very significant encounters with God and how he has changed their lives.  I'm not always sure exactly what my role is in their lives, but I trust God to make it more and more clear as I continue to seek him in my life.