Forgotten Gift

I'm back in Wisconsin and leave for Jacksonville again on Dec. 27th.  Since being home, I've had a great time with family.  Last year when I came back for Christmas, there was no snow until the morning that we had to drive back, which wasn't a fun experience.  Yesterday, we were blessed with a couple inches of snow.  I've missed the snow, how every branch on the trees has a little bit on it, the sound of shovels scraping against the cement, dogs barking in curiosity and excitement.  I have to admit, my default is to play before work.  Instead of shoveling the driveway, I immediately went to the closet to look for my winter jacket that I left here, searched the house for gloves, found them, then went to the backyard to start rolling.  A small sphere became an even bigger ball became an unliftable mass of cold.  It stopped snowing for a while, then a very light drizzle of rain came down, making the snow even better for packing.  An hour later, bam.  Snow Santa and a very happy 24 year old.

(Can't do this in Florida)

One of my highlights before leaving Jacksonville last week was getting the opportunity to see a couple of the after school program kids perform and help out at their school's winter performance.  Diallo and Alex go to Brentwood Elementary School of the Arts where art, music, dance, drama, etc. are all offered.  Only a few days before the Dec. 13th performance did I even know that Alex played the violin.  Diallo was there passing out the programs for the show, a job fitting his increasingly helpful personality at school.  My roommate Marc, our friend Ernest, and I went to see this show and had a great time.  We sat by Alex's family and when Alex by the side of the auditorium saw us there, he was excited to see us, proudly holding up his violin, smiling, and waving with his bow.  It was great to see the kids outside of our responsibility at the program and just enjoy being around them.  Those are the times I remember most, seeing the kids at the park on the weekends or in the classrooms when I come volunteer.

As I'm writing this blog, alone in the house for a few hours, I realize that my world goes really fast, my brain is always thinking about things to do, and I rarely make time to just sit quietly, think, thank God for all He's given me, meditate on how things have been going with me and Jesus.  With limited time at home, I know I want to make the most of it and see as many friends as possible and busy my schedule so that it doesn't feel like I'm wasting time, but that hasn't been good for my soul or my relationship with God.  I need prayer to just slow down, knowing that no time with friends and family will ever compare to time spent with the Lord.  No Christmas movie, no Packers or Bucks game, no perfect present on Christmas morning can capture my heart like He can.

It's been difficult for me lately to really be real with people, as you might've read in the last blog.  Some of the most powerful moments in my life have come when I've been real with people or people with me.  I could tell you story after story of times when I've felt His presence on me to pray for people, fellowship with others.  God is so good yet I ignore him so often.  God is so full of grace yet I take him for granted.  God is so loving yet I sometimes find it hard to love others. 

"It's been a long time since I've really looked in someone's eyes."  This lyric from the song "Spark" by Andrew Ripp has been resonating with me alot.  In fact, almost the entire song speaks much of what I'm feeling.  I'm glad that it's been stuck in my head all week.  It's from his Christmas album, which by the way is amazing.  I've been very impressed by Andrew Ripp's music after only hearing about him in the last couple weeks.  Please sit back, have some hot chocolate (if you're actually experiencing a winter) or some sweat tea or egg nog or whatever it is you drink around the holidays, and enjoy this very deep song.  Have a very blessed Christmas.  Spend time with the Lord, a gift you think you might be giving God when actually the gift of His presence will be given you.  Don't forget the gifts God so freely gives us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq0Ibz_-oLs

Too Weak to be Weak

I woke up Tuesday morning, walked to the kitchen, and started making a bowl of cereal.  Something wasn't right.  I wasn't sure what it was, but I felt that I better only pour a small bowl and eat very little.  After I ate, I got ready to go to North Shore Elementary.  I got there a little after 9am and normally stay until 1pm.  That day was different.  It was getting worse.  Every time I got up and walked or even moved it was a struggle.  "Ms. Hall (the volunteer coordinator) I'm gonna leave early.  I'm not feeling too good."  I got picked up at 11am, got taken to the church, and laid down on three pillows.  One for my head, one for my knees, and finally one for my aching stomach to rest on.  Sipping on a Sprite and listening to music, I just lay there, wondering when my body would give me the go-ahead to eat food again.  As long as I didn't move, pain was minimal.  I started thinking about that chili and egg nog I had the day before.  Those tortillas were kinda old.  I still wanted to help out at the after-school program and did my best to avoid close contact with them.  The thing that was most difficult for me was trying to play it off like it wasn't that bad.  I'm not big on wanting much attention so acting less active and less talkative, in my mind, would draw uncomfortable attention to myself.

When we went outside for game time, I felt lucky enough that a couple of the volunteers picked a thinking game that didn't require me to run around or throw kickballs at kids.  I got to just stand there.  One of the kids was going crazy and Marc needed to talk to a parent and keep the schedule running.  "Hey Andrew, can you sit over in the corner and make sure he doesn't leave his spot?"  "I'm on it."  I got to just sit there.  When I got home, there was Bible study and once again, I got to just sit there.  Great opportunities to not be in pain.  I tried to eat some Ramen later that night, not because I was hungry despite not eating most of the day, but because I was told it might help my stomach.

Long story short, my stomach hurt for three days, I got aches and pains in my body on Friday, and things could have been a lot worse that week.  I'm very thankful that God made the week very stress-free for me, the kids I worked with were on their best behavior and didn't cause me to raise my voice or move excessively.  Going through last week was really tough physically.  I barely ate anything those three days besides a sandwich, a banana, two Sprites, and a couple bowls of soup.  But it gave me a lot of time to think.  I am too concerned with what people think of me.  I put up the brave front.  I refuse to share or reveal my weaknesses.  Andrew has it all together.  He is so calm in the midst of chaos.  What could be wrong with him?  I realize the dumbest thing for me to do is to put on the false self in front of God.  He pierces through even my thoughts.  Can I deceive others as to what's really going on with me?  Yep, and sometimes better than I desire.  There's part of me that wishes I could stop playing this game where I act like I don't need people.  I know sometimes it's pride, but other times it's just fear of being real with people.  I have a much easier time being open and honest with God about everything, mainly because I know his grace is sufficient and his love never fails.  There is absolutely nothing I can do that is out of the reach of God's grace.  It's difficult to be open with people, sinners.  I'm sure you know what it feels like to be judged or talked about behind your back.  I'm not saying this happens to me but there is a legitimate fear that being real with people will push people away rather than build stronger relationships.

I urge you, brothers and sisters, to love another as God has loved us.  Show no condition, no selfishness.  Read 1 John 4:7-21.  Please read it.  Some of the most growing moments in my life have come when I've felt the freedom to tell people what's on my heart, what I have difficulty with.  For those of you that I see throughout the week, if you happen to be reading this, I apologize for being so quiet, for not talking to you as much as I really want to.  I know you have convictions and have been growing in a very specific way in your life through Christ and I act as if the only part of you that's real is how your job was, how your classes were, how you're feeling physically, etc.  My life looks a whole lot like the world right now.  I get excited when the Milwaukee Bucks win a game, I care about how much I get out of my job and how much my job gets out of me, I care a little too much about things that the devil uses to distract me from my walk with God.  God, have I even acknowledged your existence today?  Did I acknowledge you like "Oh, hey God, how's your day going?" or did I bow in reverence for how Holy and Awesome and Strong and Loving you are?  I'm tired of acting like Christmas shopping matters and that Buy 1 Get 1 deals are totally awesome!  Is that what I'm living for?  Lord, forgive me for this impostor that waves his magic wand and can disappear at the sight of transparency with others.  Lord, use my weaknesses for your strength.  Please touch someone's heart who is reading this.  I want to be real.  Awake my soul!  I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.  For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.  Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth. (Psalm 57)

Here's Mekhi (rhymes with "the pie").  2nd grade boy.  Smartest kid in the program even though there are 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders.  This is his first year in the program.  He has a 3rd grade sister and a 5th grade cousin in the program as well.  They all stay with their grandma and his mother was taken away from them (I'm not sure why).  He has been on medication because I don't think he quite knows how to handle his emotions with life.  The meds make him sad but docile.  When he's off the meds, he runs around, knocks over chairs, doesn't listen to instruction, and if he's really angry, he cause curse up a storm.  He's quite athletic for a little guy.  He's fearless in capture the flag, always running hard.  Kickball, he sprints towards the ball and kicks.  He's not afraid to get knocked down or hurt.  He just keeps playing hard.  What's great about working with him for academic time is that if you give him a big packet or pages of worksheets, he will absorb all the information and work until completion, stopping occasionally for a question about a particular word, then back to work.  He figures things out brilliantly by himself.  When he's happy, he's so funny.  He can be one of the most well-behaved kids on one day, or he can be literally jumping from table to table on another day.  On Wednesday, I got to work with him and I'm amazed that God put so much brains and ability in a kid whose life around him is messed up.  Please pray that Mekhi would know that he is loved by us and more importantly that Christ died for his sins and that he can come to know his creator in a very real way, free to display all his thoughts and emotions.  I'm glad that I just got to sit there that day and watch a kid who has so much potential for God's kingdom.

"Awake My Soul" -by Mumford and Sons
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzM69btqtYI



Mekhi

Thank You!

I often forget to show gratitude.  Honestly, I haven't really been that good at expressing my thankfulness at the times the blessings are given me.  Many times, we feel most thankful for things when there's been an experience of a shortage or absence of those things.  For example, when I lived in Milwaukee for a summer, we went through a two and a half day "poverty simulation" where we went without transportation, beds, showers, much food, or water.  Those two and a half days were some of the worst and best days of my life.  The worst because I haven't felt so helpless, weak, disgusting, and pitiful in my life.  The best because I realized how everything in my life had been given to me, I could sympathize with the homeless a little better who aren't going through a "simulation".  After going through that, I was thinking about air conditioning, a soft bed, showers, places to sit, water, changes of clothes, things I was deprived of for what seemed like an eternity at the time.

I wanted to take time in this blog post to not only thank God but also thank you for your support, love, and prayers.

-Thank you to those of you that have called me just to catch up and see how things are going.  God has used many of those conversations to encourage me at times I was feeling empty.

-Thank you to those of you that help me out financially in order that I work with 2nd Mile Ministries and help serve the Brentwood community with whatever time and energy I have.  I've been amazed by God's loving provision for my needs this year.

-Thank you to those of you that have faithfully prayed for me and the kids in our program, trusting that God hears and responds to your prayers.

-Thank you to those of you that read these blogs and give me encouragement through them.  I pray that God would be using these devotional times to bless you, challenge you, and point you towards Christ.

Looking back on Thanksgiving, shouldn't every moment, every situation be a perfect time to give thanks?  Everything you own was given to you.  Maybe you bought that sweater with your own money, but where did you get that money?  How did you get that job?  How did you get the people skills and experience to obtain that job?  All that you have was not yours to begin with.  Job says in chapter 1, verse 21,

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,

and naked I will depart.

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;

May the name of the LORD be praised."

It's gotta be difficult to take all your stuff with you after you die.

Wherever you are right now, take 5 minutes (sometimes even 1 minute or 60 seconds seems like a long time to sit still), and just start naming things, whether physical possessions or moments of grace that God has shown you, even just in the last few months.  Just know that God is mighty, merciful, and the lover of your soul.  All you need to do is allow yourself to do nothing.  Sit at his feet.  Life is not about you, it's about Jesus Christ.

-The best words that I can use are just simply, "Thank you," again for all the support, whether through encouragement, financially, or through prayers.