Self Care and Grace

Max Update

July 7th, 2017, Maximus came home from the hospital and suddenly Missi and I were the sole caretakers for this complicated human being with all his tubes and wires and monitors.  After getting the typical no-sleep that new parents often get, we got into a rhythm of rotating when we would take naps and when we'd spend time together.  After a couple months of this, we are getting to love every tiny little milestone that Max gives us.  He is slowly weening off of oxygen (good), he is starting to smile when we talk to him and give him attention (adorable), but he has since forgotten how to eat from a bottle (not so good). Luckily we can tube feed him but his gag reflex is very sensitive, even to the point where he chokes even before the bottle is in his mouth.  We are working with so many specialists to make sure he stays on track for his development.  Just a recap, he is almost 7 months old but is like a normal 3 month old baby developmentally.


We've been getting more and more used to bringing him out of the house to go to social gathering where he is "quarantined" in a room for his own health. With the hurricane coming in over the weekend, we evacuated to Charlotte, NC where we endured a 12-hour car ride filled with tube feedings and changed diapers galore.  Max slept most of the way there and back like a good boy.  The best parts of my day include just making simple eye contact with my son and he grins that silly half smile.

Ministry Update
Although I've been on paternity leave for the summer and now on sabbatical, I've heard bits and pieces as to how things in the 2nd Mile world have been going. Summer day camp had many high schoolers step up into leaderships roles for the first time, leading stations, making lesson plans, shepherding the kids to their different rotations. Already as the school year has been about a month in, I've heard that there has been tremendous progress in our returning kids, especially those who have had problems in the past with anger and defiance.  One thing that has really weighed heavily on my heart is some of the pain that has come with the summer. One of the high schoolers that was a part of LEAD (2nd Mile's high school program) died in a car wreck.  One of our elementary school students who already had some emotional issues last school year lost his father in a car wreck.  I never met the man but from what I remember, this boy admired his dad and looked up to him.  From what I've heard from my coworkers, he hasn't seemed too externally distressed by that loss.  I know there's some unprocessed feelings that are probably confusing to a young boy dealing with the death of a loved one. Pray that he feels God's love and 2nd Mile's love this year to really bring healing to those confusing emotions.  His name is Al'Savion.

Me Update

Beautiful disc golf course at Nevin Park, Charlotte, NC

Bringing home Max was awesome, getting to see the intricacies of his being--yawning, pooping, crying, wiggling--has been an amazing gift.  This summer, I've noticed my free time fading and I guess that just comes with the territory.  I've recently taken up disc golf more regularly as my "me-time" whenever I can get it.  There's just something about walking in a park early in the morning with nobody around except me, God, and a few discs that is just relaxing to my being.  I love the way that the discs leave my hand and paint the air with their flight, barreling towards a basket, it's eventual home.  Last weekend in Charlotte, I was excited to learn that there were about 15 courses within 10 miles of where we evacuated.  After getting the green light from my amazing wife, I proceeded to check out a few courses over the next few days.  It was strangely wonderful to see elevation changes, hills, wooded walls, and streams compared to the flatness of Florida.  On the way back to Jacksonville, I noticed my chest hurting on the left side. Not knowing exactly what it was, I assumed it may have been heart burn or something so I took some Tums.  After arriving home and getting the car unpacked, my chest pain got worse as I was laying down for bed. After taking the pain for a minute, I remained motionless (as to avoid more pain) and eventually got some sleep.  I woke up, still in pain, barely able to move, much less stand up, and made my way to the kitchen in order to feed Max. The chest pain sky rocketed and my ability to stand disappeared. I passed out, ended up the floor, my chin hurt (must've smacked onto the kitchen counter), and Missi called an ambulance. I've never done that before in my life. I recalled a story of a friend of a friend who had chest pain on a long bus ride who died the next day. I'm going to be honest, this thought crossed my mind.  As the ambulance came, they asked me questions while I was laying sideways on the floor.  I was completely alert, just couldn't talk with much volume. They helped me to my feet, and then I fell out again.  The next thing I can remember is being wheeled to the ambulance. My hearing was shot (felt like I had plugs in my ears), I couldn't really see vivid colors (much like when Maximus in the movie Gladiator experiences the afterlife), and at one point everything was a light yellow light.  I remember praying for God to save me, knowing that I would hate to leave Missi and Max like that.  I had to control any urge to cry for it caused my chest too much pain. I get to the hospital, they give me a chest X-ray to rule out any heart problems, they put like 15 stickers on my chest to monitor whatever it is they monitor, and checked my blood pressure repeatedly. Apparently it was 90 over 60 at one point.  Fast forward to today, I still have minor chest pain, the doctor said the some cartilage in the chest wall around the rib cage were inflamed. It's possible the combination of packing up our car with Max and other heavy things, of disc golfing way more than I normally do, of being confined to our small car for 9 hours, and of possibly being a bit dehydrated had something to do with the chest pain.

Things I can praise God for:
-He saved me.
-There isn't anything wrong with my heart, just my chest wall.
-I'm able to get in and out of bed with only a little pain.
-I got a doctor's appointment in today when previously they could only schedule me for two weeks from now.

Yesterday when I came home from the ER, I was lying in bed, unable to really do much, and all I could observe was my wife not only making sure I was okay, but taking care of our son, his feedings, his dirty diapers, his ticking time bomb projectile vomiting. The most painful part about being in bed was not the chest pain, but the inability to help her. My wife is awesome.  She saw the movie Wonder Woman a bunch in the theaters, but she's the real wonder. Amidst all the chaos of taking care of the house as well as the two babies in the house, she had time to carry Max into our room so that I could say hi to him since I was stuck in the other side of the house. I love that kid so much, and my wife even more. I think with all the confusion of not really understanding why all that had happened that day had happened and my frustration with not being able to help couldn't handle to simple gesture of grace that Missi showed me. As much as I didn't want my chest to hurt from crying, the tears came down.  Those two not being in my life would be unbearable. I had to ask Missi to take Max away from me for a bit because it was too much for me to handle and comprehend.  Where disc golf has been my safe place this summer, the importance of Missi and Max takes precedence.

There is nothing that you and I can do to rectify our sin. We are motionless in the pain of our imperfection. I didn't ask Missi to bring Max into our room, yet it was exactly what I needed. Jesus came and allowed himself to me murdered for our sake. There is nothing we could do to stop that.  Having someone pay for our mistakes doesn't seem fair, yet I imagine that when I see Jesus he will be met with tears as the realization of his great love for me will be too much for me to bare.

With just three or four weeks left of my sabbatical, I'm going to take it easy, hopefully read a book or two, get closer to Jesus, take care of myself, drink more water, limit my physical activity, spend quality time with my wife and son.

Please pray that:
-Max relearns how to eat from a bottle.
-God heals my chest pain fully.
-God would heal any hurt in Al'Savion's life
-God would reveal to you what habits in your life need to go. What is of God and what is of you?